(Bear with me. I need to get this off my chest.)
It shouldn't occupy so much of my time.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.
But, for some odd reason, it has lingered in my thoughts longer than I expected and I feel the need to exorcise this growing demon.
I don't have a brother. Not by blood, anyway. I have many close friends that I consider brothers in my heart. "Brother(s) from another mother", if you like that particular colloquialism.
Given that, there has always been a part of me that wished/hoped/imagined myself being the best man at one of their weddings. Once I got to an age when my friends started getting married, I realized that a lot of these men - my brothers - have actual brothers of their own. Being selected as a best man for any of their weddings was not something I honestly considered as a possible reality. The blood brothers have more of a right (a birthright, perhaps?), a more legitimate claim to being the best man and I'm OK with that. I have been OK with that.
So why am I feeling differently about it now? Why am I so fixated on not having the chance to be a best man? I think a large part of it comes down to my perceived value as a friend. I deeply appreciate the connections I've made with these great men I call brothers. Not being considered for "best man" duties makes me feel like I've somehow haven't held up my end of the friendship.
Now I look in the proverbial mirror and ask myself "How could I have been a better friend?" But that type of revisionist history doesn't change what has happened and I can only use this introspection to change my behavior going forward. It's not as if we're going to stop being friends. Like I said earlier, these are my brothers. Those are bonds that are not easily destroyed, especially not because of my own insecurities.
In the past, I've taken time to consider who would be on my list of 'contenders' for best man when it's my time to get married (should that day ever come... LOL). It's not an easy decision and I know that someone may feel slighted if I don't pick them. It almost makes me wish I had a brother (no offense, Eules!) but that's not my reality. I've come to realize that there really isn't a good choice or bad choice.
Also, being selected as a groomsman is not a consolation prize! That's as much an honor as being a best man, in my humble opinion. This is not to say that if I'm not asked to participate in any form in the ceremony that I should be upset or hurt. The tedium of being able on someone else's timetable (the wedding planner or photographer or even the bride and groom) can be draining and sap some of the enjoyment out of the occasion.
Yet, when I see guys from the same circle of friends - a circle that I consider myself a part of - go through the motions with rehearsals, taking photos, or just standing at the altar with the happy couple, it makes my heart sink a little and it makes me feel left out. For much of my childhood, I felt like an outsider so this problem is probably deeper rooted than I imagined when I first started writing this.
The lesson I'd like to impart on you today, faithful reader, is to take some time out of your busy week/weekend/life and contact those who you consider close to you. Reach out to your 'brothers' and 'sisters' and let them know how much you appreciate having them in your life. I'm not encouraging this to improve your chances at being chosen as 'best man' or 'maid of honor', do it as a favor to the friendships you hold dear. The unexpected phone call, visit, or even (dare I say it?) e-mail showing your appreciation will go a long way to picking that person, or those people, up.
Don't assume they know how you feel about them. Tell them yourself!
Brighten up their day today! And who knows, maybe it will be reciprocated!
Until next time......
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Look What I Found (or My Defense of Ché)
Happy 2012, Faithful Reader!
While recently skimming through old files I had saved in my old desktop computer (which had been untouched for several years now), I found this potential blog entry. I'm pretty sure it was a draft of something I wanted to post to my MySpace page. I don't recall if it ever made it to the digital ether.
But the draft has survived and I'd like to post it here for your perusal. Feel free to submit your feedback below but please be mindful of my warning at the end of the post.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was recently
criticized for my inclusion of a photo of Ernesto Guevara in my photo
gallery. It got me thinking that there
may be others who have strong opinions on the man commonly known as “Che.” With this in mind, I’d like to explain why I
included his photo and give some insight into my thoughts on the man and his
vision.
Though I do not approve of his violent methods of spreading this message, it is no more hateful and murderous than the
And what happened next? The American propaganda machine goes to work to label all insurgents in the
Lets be honest... if you read history texts without the pro-American spin (not those we used in junior high and high school), you will understand why most of Latin America hates the
I don't want to ramble further... just understand that despite his violent measures, they were wholly exaggerated and only done with the positive motivation to improve the situation of the poor. It was not some perverted sense of bloodlust as some have claimed. Now as for his ties with Castro... an unfortunate circumstance in history because Castro got power hungry in
Do I like that now all of these "yuppy followers" use his image as a commodity to further an agenda that has nothing to do with his beliefs?? NO! I hate that his face is on a fucking T-shirt. I hate that people are making money off of his likeness.
There is a Che poster in the ALAS office (the Latino student organization at
There will be many people who will disagree with my decision to put that photo in my gallery and will be strong in their opposition to the apparent “glorification of Che." I don't blame them. Who wants to see their enemy put on a pedestal to be worshipped? All I ask is that they understand that my admiration for the man does not condone his methods nor does it atone for those who died at his hand. Do know that his idealism and vision is what I respect. I will not make excuses for having his picture in my gallery but I hope to never be accused of being a follower of the consumerism that clouds the legacy of Ernesto Guevara. I chose to put the photo up out of my own volition not as part of a fad that will soon fade in favor of the next “pretty face.”
If you are going to debate this issue I hope you don’t resort to the typical name-calling most people are prone to. In a discussion, it is a copout not an explanation.
I hope that this doesn't change your opinion of me because I am still the same person you knew before you read this blog. Nor will it change my opinion of you, no matter what your reaction is.>>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There you have it, faithful reader... Your thoughts?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Remember, remember the 5th of November... again (or RaUM's 3rd anniversary)
Is that really you? Wow, sorry for the mess. Let me clean up here for a moment while I compose myself. Thanks for the unexpected visit.
I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.
I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.
This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.
I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.
Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).
My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.
But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.
I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.
Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.
As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)
Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......
I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.
I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.
This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.
I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.
Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).
My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.
But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.
I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.
Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.
As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)
Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......
Saturday, May 28, 2011
A Childhood Poem (or Something Else I Dug Up)
Hey there,
I'll start by saying that I am not a hoarder though I do have pack rat tendencies. This morning, I was going through a pile of papers that I've kept from my high school years. It was nice to purge my apartment of the excess clutter that had gone unchecked all these years. There were so many memories that came rushing back to me (soccer on the Quad, the prom, that odd year where I had 3 different Chem teachers b/c my original Chem teacher - what was his name again?? - broke his hip after falling off of a stool).
In that chaos of dusty papers and old notebooks, I found this poem. There is a chance it may be from junior high school but the silliness of it brought a smile to my face! Enjoy y'all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
There's no chance in hell.
I'd go out with you.
Sugar is sweet.
Coal is black.
Do me a favor.
Go sit on a tack.
Snow is white.
Grass is green.
With you, in public,
I'd never be seen.
Flowers bloom.
The river flows.
What do you think I am?
One of your cheap hoes!?
Water is water.
Grass is grass.
Do me a favor
and wipe your ass.
You smell real bad.
You smell like shit.
Go take a bath.
You REALLY need it!
All in all,
what I have to say
is get a life
and have a nice day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FYI, this was NOT written to me nor is it about me.]
=)
Hope you all go out and make the most of this Memorial Day weekend! And please take a moment this weekend to remember those folks who have served our country.
Until next time, faithful reader......
I'll start by saying that I am not a hoarder though I do have pack rat tendencies. This morning, I was going through a pile of papers that I've kept from my high school years. It was nice to purge my apartment of the excess clutter that had gone unchecked all these years. There were so many memories that came rushing back to me (soccer on the Quad, the prom, that odd year where I had 3 different Chem teachers b/c my original Chem teacher - what was his name again?? - broke his hip after falling off of a stool).
In that chaos of dusty papers and old notebooks, I found this poem. There is a chance it may be from junior high school but the silliness of it brought a smile to my face! Enjoy y'all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
There's no chance in hell.
I'd go out with you.
Sugar is sweet.
Coal is black.
Do me a favor.
Go sit on a tack.
Snow is white.
Grass is green.
With you, in public,
I'd never be seen.
Flowers bloom.
The river flows.
What do you think I am?
One of your cheap hoes!?
Water is water.
Grass is grass.
Do me a favor
and wipe your ass.
You smell real bad.
You smell like shit.
Go take a bath.
You REALLY need it!
All in all,
what I have to say
is get a life
and have a nice day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FYI, this was NOT written to me nor is it about me.]
=)
Hope you all go out and make the most of this Memorial Day weekend! And please take a moment this weekend to remember those folks who have served our country.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Survey Results (or How To Lose Friends Quickly with Just One Message)
Helllllllooooooooo everyone,
Long time no see. I've been wanting to write this entry for several months now. I've been busy with my stats classes, keeping sane, and staying afloat financially. [Sidebar: When I say "staying afloat", I mean it like drowning... but managing to get your head above water JUST long enough to catch a quick breath before you go under long enough for your lungs to burn. Rinse and repeat.]
But enough of that... I have an interesting story to tell you all. [Trust me when I tell you that the pace with which I am typing these keys now is one that only compares to those all-nighters I would pull to write my 10+ page term papers as an undergrad... only with more of a purpose... and joy.]
Several months ago, I get the following text message from a female friend:
"So gentlemen,I was having a debate w/a male friend of mine...I know this isn't a hot topic of discussion,but if ur all not embarrassed 2 respond, I'd appreciate honest responses.1)would/do u mind having sex w/ ur girl when she has her period 2)would/do u mind doing "strategic" oral sex 2 ur girl if she has her period- ask if u need clarification on strategic 3)would/do u prefer just a bj to sex from ur girl when she has her period- this one was a hoot!"
[FYI, for those of you wondering, like I did... "strategic meaning: clitoral tongue action only. not necessarily tongue to vaginal opening"]
After mulling it over I replied by e-mail (since she needed written evidence). Then I got curious to know what my fellow XY chromosome comrades thought of these questions. I got busy contacting my buddies to get their feedback. Partly to give my friend some more content for her debate but the researcher in me was curious to see if there were any trends in the responses I'd get.
Here were the questions I asked my friends:
(1) Would you/do you mind having sex with your girl when she has her period?
(2) Would you/do you mind "strategic" oral sex to your girl if she has her period? ("strategic" = tongue-to-clitoris contact)
(3) Would you/do you prefer just a BJ to sex from your girl when she is on her period?
(Follow-up to Q3) Would you ask for the BJ or only take it if offered?
I had 21 friends reply (why did I think there were more??) and here are the results (with my answers included among the totals) along with any funny/quirky/insightful quotes to these yes/no questions added in.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(1) Yes, they would have sex during period - 12
"My penis has no sense of smell or taste"
"only in the shower or covered bed"
"with a condom and if she cleans up"
"a shower takes care of that"
"but on a VERY slow day"
No, they would not - 9
"I'd try anything once but I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it"
"but sometimes you have to take one for the team to make her happy"
Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(2) Yes, would perform "strategic" oral - 1
No "strategic" oral - 20
"NAY!!! Mouth stays fffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr away from that area until things clear up. lol"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(3) Yes, they would prefer BJ over sex - 15
"If she's comfortable only"
"It's easier"
"It's all about reciprocating so I won't lose sleep if there is no BJ during this time"
"If I had a choice - which most of the time I don't - I would prefer a BJ over sex"
No to BJ over sex - 5
"Sex over BJ but a BJ or a handjob would do [if that's all there is]"
Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Follow-up Q
Yes (would ask for a BJ) - 2
"whatever floats her boat"
"a BJ is good but would rather have sex"
"I would ask in a diplomatic way"
No (would not ask for it but would take it if offered) - 12
"only if she prefers that"
"asking for it ruins the experience"
Other - 2
"feel bad about getting and not giving"
"it depends on the girl. some are givers and some aren't"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It would seem as if the guys are almost split evenly among those who would and would not do it during "that time of the month". There was a resounding, nearly unanimous NO on question 2 about the strategic oral. Also when given the choice, my pool of respondents would mainly prefer a BJ over sex during this time but acknowledged that it isn't up to them (us?). I suspect there was a case of "If I have to answer this question then..." and is not really a reflection of what would actually happen under those circumstances. Finally, most of the guys recognize that getting a BJ is a privilege and not something we should necessarily ask for per se (unless done "diplomatically"! LOL). Besides, there are plenty of women who refuse to do that (just like there are plenty of guy who won't reciprocate).
I'm considering revisiting these questions but from the female perspective. Any of my female friends reading this... you've been warned. Expect an e-mail/FB message from me in the near future.
For the guys reading this... are any of you brave enough to answer these questions? You could comment anonymously but any feedback would be welcome!
Until next time, faithful reader......
Long time no see. I've been wanting to write this entry for several months now. I've been busy with my stats classes, keeping sane, and staying afloat financially. [Sidebar: When I say "staying afloat", I mean it like drowning... but managing to get your head above water JUST long enough to catch a quick breath before you go under long enough for your lungs to burn. Rinse and repeat.]
But enough of that... I have an interesting story to tell you all. [Trust me when I tell you that the pace with which I am typing these keys now is one that only compares to those all-nighters I would pull to write my 10+ page term papers as an undergrad... only with more of a purpose... and joy.]
Several months ago, I get the following text message from a female friend:
"So gentlemen,I was having a debate w/a male friend of mine...I know this isn't a hot topic of discussion,but if ur all not embarrassed 2 respond, I'd appreciate honest responses.1)would/do u mind having sex w/ ur girl when she has her period 2)would/do u mind doing "strategic" oral sex 2 ur girl if she has her period- ask if u need clarification on strategic 3)would/do u prefer just a bj to sex from ur girl when she has her period- this one was a hoot!"
[FYI, for those of you wondering, like I did... "strategic meaning: clitoral tongue action only. not necessarily tongue to vaginal opening"]
After mulling it over I replied by e-mail (since she needed written evidence). Then I got curious to know what my fellow XY chromosome comrades thought of these questions. I got busy contacting my buddies to get their feedback. Partly to give my friend some more content for her debate but the researcher in me was curious to see if there were any trends in the responses I'd get.
Here were the questions I asked my friends:
(1) Would you/do you mind having sex with your girl when she has her period?
(2) Would you/do you mind "strategic" oral sex to your girl if she has her period? ("strategic" = tongue-to-clitoris contact)
(3) Would you/do you prefer just a BJ to sex from your girl when she is on her period?
(Follow-up to Q3) Would you ask for the BJ or only take it if offered?
I had 21 friends reply (why did I think there were more??) and here are the results (with my answers included among the totals) along with any funny/quirky/insightful quotes to these yes/no questions added in.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(1) Yes, they would have sex during period - 12
"My penis has no sense of smell or taste"
"only in the shower or covered bed"
"with a condom and if she cleans up"
"a shower takes care of that"
"but on a VERY slow day"
No, they would not - 9
"I'd try anything once but I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it"
"but sometimes you have to take one for the team to make her happy"
Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(2) Yes, would perform "strategic" oral - 1
No "strategic" oral - 20
"NAY!!! Mouth stays fffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr away from that area until things clear up. lol"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(3) Yes, they would prefer BJ over sex - 15
"If she's comfortable only"
"It's easier"
"It's all about reciprocating so I won't lose sleep if there is no BJ during this time"
"If I had a choice - which most of the time I don't - I would prefer a BJ over sex"
No to BJ over sex - 5
"Sex over BJ but a BJ or a handjob would do [if that's all there is]"
Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Follow-up Q
Yes (would ask for a BJ) - 2
"whatever floats her boat"
"a BJ is good but would rather have sex"
"I would ask in a diplomatic way"
No (would not ask for it but would take it if offered) - 12
"only if she prefers that"
"asking for it ruins the experience"
Other - 2
"feel bad about getting and not giving"
"it depends on the girl. some are givers and some aren't"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It would seem as if the guys are almost split evenly among those who would and would not do it during "that time of the month". There was a resounding, nearly unanimous NO on question 2 about the strategic oral. Also when given the choice, my pool of respondents would mainly prefer a BJ over sex during this time but acknowledged that it isn't up to them (us?). I suspect there was a case of "If I have to answer this question then..." and is not really a reflection of what would actually happen under those circumstances. Finally, most of the guys recognize that getting a BJ is a privilege and not something we should necessarily ask for per se (unless done "diplomatically"! LOL). Besides, there are plenty of women who refuse to do that (just like there are plenty of guy who won't reciprocate).
I'm considering revisiting these questions but from the female perspective. Any of my female friends reading this... you've been warned. Expect an e-mail/FB message from me in the near future.
For the guys reading this... are any of you brave enough to answer these questions? You could comment anonymously but any feedback would be welcome!
Until next time, faithful reader......
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