Venting and Reflecting (or Getting Something Off My Chest)

[Note: For those of you who read my "A Peek Inside My Soul" post from a few weeks ago, consider this a follow-up post.]

I need to get this off my chest. Bear with me as I open up a little...

There have been times this year where I would become insanely furious with my ex-fiancé. I didn't understand why. I knew I was angry at her and thought it would be better to stay quiet. I wasn't exactly sure what it was that set me off each of those times. I had pieces of the puzzle but I think I now have a clear picture as to what I was feeling.

Ultimately, I can't shake the feeling that we wasted time being together. Not for the duration of the relationship but for the latter part of it. It could be due, partly, to convenience since we lived together and we got along just fine so cohabiting was easy. Part of it is also the convenience of simply being together. There's a saying in Spanish "el costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor" (a roughly translation of the idiom could read "routine is stronger than love"). I think that's what happened to us.

What actually caused us to 'fall out of love' is likely different for us both though I feel like I was the only one willing to speak up about our situation. And we DID try to make it work for a little while but I sensed it was probably too late. I didn't feel like there was any real effort on her part to make things work. I stopped trying to force things work. I succumbed to the inevitable and suggested we break up.

As I mentioned months ago, the feeling was mutual. Ultimately, our decision to split was based on the premise that we were both unhappy. The split would allow us to move on and find our own happiness. We still get along great and I'm glad (and admittedly a bit relieved) that she's moved on.

So why is it then that I have had these moments of bitterness, anger, and regret? It's because there is a part of me that feels I wasted time being with her. What really gnaws at me is being stuck with wondering whether I lost months or years staying with her for as long as I did.

When DID she start 'losing that loving feeling'? Why didn't she say anything to me if she sensed any trouble? The more I think about these things the more I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel bad feeling that way but it's hard to shake that thought.

I'm willing to bet she doesn't know why, or when she knew, the love was gone. These aren't the types of feelings that are tied in to one occasion or specific event. It's a process that occurs over an extended period of time and slowly erodes the foundation of a relationship. I'm not completely innocent and I'm sure I helped contribute to it in some way.

I am not posting this to simply air out my dirty laundry or to reveal some emotional vulnerability. Putting this on paper helps me process my thoughts and allows me to sort things out. I can say with the same certainty as I said it back in the winter, I'm ready to move on and, looking back on things, I wish the break-up had happened sooner.

['Broken record' warning!!] Throughout my life, I was never really comfortable being single. In the past, it was due to insecurities and low self-esteem. Now, I don't feel like I know what to do. I was never good at flirting and don't feel like I would even be able to do it effectively. Also, I'm "socially stupid" when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don't pick up on signals, signs, etc. from women so I don't even know if I'd be able to recognize when someone is interested in me unless she was blatant about her interest. Ultimately, the relationships will come in due time and I'm in no hurry - even though there are times where I feel like the sands in my hourglass are running out.

My primary focus this year has been enjoying my life. There's so much I haven't done, places I haven't seen, people to reconnect with, and once-in-a-lifetime experiences to revel in. My long-time friends have taken to calling me "Alan 2.0" because of how much I've changed in the past few years. I'm more carefree and I make time to go out more. I may not have made the most of my life to date but, in some ways, I am making up for lost time. I don't want any regrets when I look back on my life.

After all, isn't that what it's all about in the end? Live and enjoy life, ladies and gents! Don't settle for less than you feel you deserve.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Nothing Left To Do But Blog About It

Welcome to another installment of mindless drivel and nonsensical prose. Glad you could make it. Pull up a chair and I'll pour you a drink. We can share a drink or two... or ten.

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ROOOOOOOOOADTRIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!

I'm really looking forward to this weekend's getaway. I'm driving down to VA to visit some old friends! The Northeast crew along with the Southeast crew is converging in a house in the Mid-Atlantic. We've got my boy Tito coming up from Miami, cats flying down from NYC, me and Matt driving down in my car... and we're all staying at JV's place outside of Richmond.

About half the crew that's meeting up are people I went to elementary school with and this will be the first time we have all been together under the same roof since high school. There are some additions to the group. Girlfriends will be traveling as well along with new friends that we have made through the years.

Of all the trips I've taken this year, this may be the one I'm most looking forward to. Gotta love reunions with people you genuinely care about! I just received the tentative itinerary for this weekend and I'm sure we won't get to HALF of the things on the list. Although, I'm hoping we all get some time under the sun. I haven't had many chances to bask in the sunshine lately as I have been faithful to my work obligations. My main wish for the weekend is that the weather cooperates and we, at least, have the chance to do everything on the itinerary. Well... that, and I hope they all like my sangria!

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I started my summer gig at Queens College this week. For the remainder of the summer semester, I will be an all-purpose tutor for the Sociology department. I won't make as much as I do when I'm teaching. Next summer, I can assure you that I will be teaching some electives and, thus, making better money. Nevertheless, it's a good way to keep myself busy and ensure some form of additional income in the meantime.

I conducted a writing workshop last night where I broke down the writing process (from the initial phase of thinking of your topic to fine tuning the final draft of a paper). When I started the lesson, I was a bundle of nerves and I didn't loosen up as quickly as I would have liked. I feel I could have done much better. Part of my anxiety was due to having to do the presentation in front of a colleague as opposed to flying solo with my own class. Thankfully, we get along well and whatever feedback I get from him will be off the record. It will be good to know what I can work on for next semester. I can also apply that knowledge to other Sociology classes when I decide to branch out beyond my statistics classes

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For those of you who are curious (and to foolishly provide some assistance to my stalkers), here are my other public profiles you may want to visit one day, if you're so inclined:
1 - www.twitter.com/agsilver51 (Where I get to sound off - and mouth off - about my life and experiences: 140 characters at a time)
2 - www.posterous.com/agsilver (I don't use it to blog... that's what THIS site is for, silly. But I do like to post pics here occasionally - typically those taken on my phone. Check it out when you have a chance and lemme know what you think)
3 - www.bedwetter.com (I'm just making sure you're still paying attention!)
4 - tiny.cc/lod7R (A link to my "Rate My Professors" page where you can find reviews I've gotten this far after just one semester)

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I'm not sure when I will get back on the ol' blog again so expect a mini-hiatus (the usual 6-10 days) unless I get inspired this weekend.

Until next time, faithful reader......

The Fake Sound of Progress

Hello once again,

A brief explanation to my RaUM-nivores: I've been fairly quiet recently but not because I haven't actually written anything. I've been recording a lot of my 'random and unforced musings' but there are certain things that are for my eyes only. Lately, when I've put the digital pen to paper, it's been more for the sake of self-therapy than public consumption. I thank you for understanding the importance of that personal writing process for me.

With that said, I think this would be a good time to fill you in on my weight loss/fitness progress.

I'm willing to go so far as to say that I am in the best shape of my adult life right now. In terms of weight, I've been staying steady at 195 pounds. I'm not too upset about that since I know that I'm leaner now than I've been in quite some time. Admittedly, I don't put a lot of stock in weight per se. I think that is where many people go wrong when trying to "lose weight". They focus on this one dimension, this single measurement to track their progress: the number on the scale.

This is not to downplay the importance of weight. It is surely the most visible and easily noticed change when someone adopts a new diet and/or an exercise plan. However, it's not the only tool at a person's disposal. For example, I know I'm leaner. My stomach is not as pronounced as it was when I first started my journey to better fitness/health. In addition to weighing myself, I also measure my mid-section to track how much girth I'm losing. The decrease in the size of the belly (along with hips, legs, and other body parts you may wish to measure) is an excellent motivator and an easy way to double check your progress when the scale doesn't make it overly apparent.

Many people overlook the role of new muscle built when beginning an exercise plan. I haven't completely abandoned the gym but I've tried to keep things simple by doing basic exercises at home. I haven't bulked up tremendously but I have noticed an improvement in my physique as a result of both the weight loss and the slight increase in muscle mass. With these two factors combined, there is a 'canceling out' effect on the scale. For all the fat I'm burning with my cardio, I'm replacing it with new muscle. I won't be naive enough to say it's a 1-to-1 ratio but I do recognize that the likely reason for not dropping more weight once I got under 200 lbs is due to new muscle.

Does this mean someone is not progressing if the scale keeps giving the same read out for weeks? Absolutely not. You have to consider other factors. Measuring your body is one tool. Another significant and, in my opinion, often overlooked factor is how you feel. Has your mood improved? Is there an increase in self-esteem? Are you feeling a sense of accomplishment? If not, it is likely that you're being too hard on yourself or that you have unrealistic expectations that need to be tempered. I've been there before. Now, I'm pleased knowing that sometimes I will make quick and immediately noticeable progress and have learned to accept that sometimes it'll take baby steps to get to where I want to be physically. I no longer get frustrated because I know that I'm taking all the right steps to ultimately arrive at my desired goal.

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Personal milestone: I recently did 30 consecutive pushups. I probably could have done another 5-10 but had in my mind to complete 30 and stopped there. This is a significant milestone for me because prior to this year I was never able to do more than 15 pushups. Even when I managed to do 15 pushups, the last 3-4 were always a struggle and the jelly arms would kick in as I wobbled up and down the movement.

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My cousin Nelson flew in from Portugal this weekend and unfortunately only stayed in NYC for two days. I haven't seen him in about 2 years and I love when he visits. When we see each other it's as if we has seen each other just a few days before. The beauty of this trip was that it was the first time his wife has been in NYC. I have not had the honor or privilege of meeting her until now. She is very chill, down to earth, and has a good sense of humor. If she hadn't already been married to my cousin I'd would have hit on her. haha. ;)

I had a great time with them (and everyone else) last night at the family gathering. I offered to take them to the airport this morning for their flight to the west coast and had a nice convo with them during the car ride. I hate to see them go so soon but it gave me additional motivation to get my act together and visit them in Portugal soon.

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With that, I bid you adieu for now!
Until next time, faithful reader......