"In a world full of everything, there are still days where I feel I have nothing." - my tweet from Jun 17, 2009 @ 4:43PM
I hate to admit it but I'm starting to think this rainy weather has begun to take it's toll on me. I've been really moody lately and hadn't been able to put my finger on what was causing it. Little insignificant things have set me off. I've gotten angry really easily lately. I've gotten extremely ecstatic very quickly. I've also become quite melancholy at the drop of a dime. I am trying hard to keep my emotions in check but for this past week it has been a challenge at times. Maybe some sun will do me some good. Thankfully, my workouts have helped a little over the past few days.
I've been known to sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. I have slowly realized, over the years, that it is mainly because I don't know how to let my emotions out verbally. I often find myself tongue tied and don't know how to express myself. Some people have told me it's as simple as saying 'X', 'Y', and 'Z', but it isn't. Not for me, anyway.
If we ever share a moment where I express any gratitude, show appreciation for something you did or said, or I'm in the unfortunate circumstance to tell you how sorry I am for your loss... understand that it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I find it hard to find the right words to convey the message I have deep inside. The feeling is there but the words aren't always.
This blog of mine helps me get over this character flaw a little. There are no faces looking back at me. Although, I will see some of you in person, I feel like I can get away with saying some things here that I may not be able (or have the nerve) to say in person - whether it is meant for you directly or not.
Nevertheless, there are still some things that I will keep close to the vest. Things that are either too personal to share or that will violate someone else's privacy. I try hard to keep the focus on me in this blog. This is not out of some sense of narcissism. I just feel like the only person I can really sound off on, or open up about, with reckless abandon is myself.
I even have some blog entries that I have written than remain unpublished. These entries will stay unpublished for the immediate future. Posting them would be inappropriate until I actually talk to the individual(s) that the posts are about. Only then will I know whether it's ok to publish it for all the world to see, or not. Also, some of my unpublished entries were written as a form of catharsis. Writing about that experience/feeling/moment was simply an exercise in letting things out. Those entries are meant for my eyes only... for now. ;)
Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest...
At this time next week, I will be having fun under the bright lights of Las Vegas!!
I'm super excited and am looking forward to this trip! Not just because it gets me out of NYC (and this dreary weather) but it's one of the places I have been wanting to visit (did I remember to put that on my "to do list" blog entry a few months ago?). I always figured one day I would have the balls to actually enter into one of the WSOP tournaments and that would be at the heart of my Vegas trip. Now, it's all about leisure!
Preliminary plans include seeing Blue Man Group, dinner (and partying) at Tao, and getting a tan. Vegas weather forecasts for next week show sunny skies with highs in the low 100's and nighttime temps in the low 80's. It's a lot hotter than I would like but it's not going to keep me from enjoying myself.
If any of you have been there before and have any advice, suggestions, tips, etc. for things to do, places to see, etc., please comment.
I hope to get one more entry in before I leave for Vegas.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thinking back - part 2
Welcome back,
Previously, I started recounted the story of my path from HS to when I dropped out of NYU (and the subsequent regret I had over that decision). This is the story of how I ended up at Queens College.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After spending several years away from a classroom, I realized my life wasn't really progressing and I wasn't happy where I had been working. Some of the jobs I had in this time included working at a car parts warehouse, a car rental agency (both ends of the transaction: the guy that gives the customer his/her car AND later as the rental agent printing up contracts), and a video store, among others. In all these jobs (except the warehouse), I had either become, or was on the verge of being promoted to, a manager (whether it was P/T mgr or ass't mgr). But despite the increase in pay and responsibility, it was not the life I felt I needed to be living.
I made the decision to go back to school. I had been out of NYU for some time and two of my closest friends were in Queens College. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I were to never go back and get a college degree. I went to Bronx-freaking-Science for Christ's sake!! I had friends who went to Ivy League schools. Others went to top universities throughout the country studying with faculty that were the experts in their fields of interest. What did I have to show for my time at Science? NOTHING. I was an NYU-drop out. I was bitter and needed to get back on the intellectual horse for my own sanity otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself.
I knew I couldn't afford a private university and opted for a CUNY education. I applied to all the CUNY's in Queens: LaGuardia CC, Queens College and Queensborough CC (QCC). Queens College was my first choice. Though I was willing to settle for admission to one of the CC's and transfer after a year or two. I was only accepted to Queensborough which was a blow to my ego but, at least, it got my foot in the door.
I tried to make the most of my time there but, quite frankly, I was so bored with my classes that I didn't feel challenged. I would spend more time hanging out with new friends than working on my class work. I fell behind in my course work and was very unmotivated. In the span of a year, I managed to pass 2 classes, dropped a few (I forgot how many exactly), and the others I failed outright for lack of attendance. I knew I had to get out of there.
I decided a transfer would do me some good. After all, the school I really wanted to go to was Queens College (QC). I need to confess that my primary motivation for going to QC was the fact that my friends were there. They'd tell me about how they spent time there, the people that they've met, and it sounded like fun. So much so, I even started spending my free time at QC and really liked the vibe on the campus. I often rushed out of class at QCC (when I actually went to class) and took the buses to QC just to hang out. I spent my time at the office for the student organization Alliance of Latin American Students (ALAS). It got to the point that people in ALAS thought I was a QC student and were shocked to find out I was going to QCC.
My decision to attend QC was not solely based on the social scene there. After all, it's not as if QC is a bad school, academically. It actually had (and still has) a very good reputation and is one of the few "respected" schools in the CUNY system.
I applied for a transfer during the summer. I didn't get a letter from CUNY Central telling me whether the transfer was accepted or not. Instead, I received a phone call from the Director of Admissions at QC (to this day, I wish I could remember her name). She wanted to interview me in person. I was surprised and excited. I didn't know what to expect but, even though I was extremely nervous, I figured this must be a good sign.
I walk into her office and I'm greeting by a friendly woman. She asks me to take a seat and proceeds to tell me that she has been looking over my application repeatedly. Immediately, my heart sank. I began wondering why I was even called here in the first place. This was a waste of my time! She's seen how badly I've done in QCC. She knows that I've been out of HS for so many years. I only had a B (maybe B-) average at Science. What do I really have going for me??
Well, it turns out... something in my application had caught her eye. Something that made her call me in for the interview. Something that she couldn't quite wrap her head around that caused her to want to meet me in person rather than make her decision based on what was on paper. She asked me how someone who graduated from Bronx Science could do so badly in QCC. Essentially, I explained that I didn't feel QCC was the place for me. I explained having visited QC and feeling a sense of belonging there. She reasoned, aloud, that I wasn't being challenged academically and I hadn't realized that until she said it. It was the first ray of sunshine in what had been a cloudy collegiate experience for me.
She reviewed my SAT scores (which, for the record, were quite good) and told me that my academic pedigree was strong. She understood why I didn't do well at QCC and she was willing to give me a chance to succeed at QC. This was based on a hunch. An intuition that she had gotten after speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes. I could not believe what had just happened. I was going to attend Queens College!
After completing a few formalities such as writing a short reply to a generic question she had prepared (to prove I can write in English) and filling out some forms, I was officially a QC student. The director then made me promise to follow up with her every semester to let her know how I was progressing. I easily agreed to this condition. After all, this woman had just changed my life!! In hindsight, she changed it in more ways than I could have EVER imagined.
I'll talk about my time at QC some other time but I did want to say one more thing about the QC Admissions Director. I successfully completed my first semester at QC the following fall and was beginning to erase the memory of QCC on my record. I made arrangements to swing by the Director's office in January. It was after the new year but before the start of the spring semester. When I walked into the Admissions Office, I learned that she had transferred to another school and was no longer working at QC. I was disappointed since I really did want to give her a progress report and to thank her for letting me transfer to QC.
If she could only see me now: a graduate of the MA program at QC and teaching other QC students. I don't know where she is now and I am fairly certain she isn't reading this entry but THANK YOU! Thank you for for believing in me and for taking the chance on me. It was just what I needed and I don't know where I would be without you!!
Until next time, faithful reader......
Previously, I started recounted the story of my path from HS to when I dropped out of NYU (and the subsequent regret I had over that decision). This is the story of how I ended up at Queens College.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After spending several years away from a classroom, I realized my life wasn't really progressing and I wasn't happy where I had been working. Some of the jobs I had in this time included working at a car parts warehouse, a car rental agency (both ends of the transaction: the guy that gives the customer his/her car AND later as the rental agent printing up contracts), and a video store, among others. In all these jobs (except the warehouse), I had either become, or was on the verge of being promoted to, a manager (whether it was P/T mgr or ass't mgr). But despite the increase in pay and responsibility, it was not the life I felt I needed to be living.
I made the decision to go back to school. I had been out of NYU for some time and two of my closest friends were in Queens College. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I were to never go back and get a college degree. I went to Bronx-freaking-Science for Christ's sake!! I had friends who went to Ivy League schools. Others went to top universities throughout the country studying with faculty that were the experts in their fields of interest. What did I have to show for my time at Science? NOTHING. I was an NYU-drop out. I was bitter and needed to get back on the intellectual horse for my own sanity otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself.
I knew I couldn't afford a private university and opted for a CUNY education. I applied to all the CUNY's in Queens: LaGuardia CC, Queens College and Queensborough CC (QCC). Queens College was my first choice. Though I was willing to settle for admission to one of the CC's and transfer after a year or two. I was only accepted to Queensborough which was a blow to my ego but, at least, it got my foot in the door.
I tried to make the most of my time there but, quite frankly, I was so bored with my classes that I didn't feel challenged. I would spend more time hanging out with new friends than working on my class work. I fell behind in my course work and was very unmotivated. In the span of a year, I managed to pass 2 classes, dropped a few (I forgot how many exactly), and the others I failed outright for lack of attendance. I knew I had to get out of there.
I decided a transfer would do me some good. After all, the school I really wanted to go to was Queens College (QC). I need to confess that my primary motivation for going to QC was the fact that my friends were there. They'd tell me about how they spent time there, the people that they've met, and it sounded like fun. So much so, I even started spending my free time at QC and really liked the vibe on the campus. I often rushed out of class at QCC (when I actually went to class) and took the buses to QC just to hang out. I spent my time at the office for the student organization Alliance of Latin American Students (ALAS). It got to the point that people in ALAS thought I was a QC student and were shocked to find out I was going to QCC.
My decision to attend QC was not solely based on the social scene there. After all, it's not as if QC is a bad school, academically. It actually had (and still has) a very good reputation and is one of the few "respected" schools in the CUNY system.
I applied for a transfer during the summer. I didn't get a letter from CUNY Central telling me whether the transfer was accepted or not. Instead, I received a phone call from the Director of Admissions at QC (to this day, I wish I could remember her name). She wanted to interview me in person. I was surprised and excited. I didn't know what to expect but, even though I was extremely nervous, I figured this must be a good sign.
I walk into her office and I'm greeting by a friendly woman. She asks me to take a seat and proceeds to tell me that she has been looking over my application repeatedly. Immediately, my heart sank. I began wondering why I was even called here in the first place. This was a waste of my time! She's seen how badly I've done in QCC. She knows that I've been out of HS for so many years. I only had a B (maybe B-) average at Science. What do I really have going for me??
Well, it turns out... something in my application had caught her eye. Something that made her call me in for the interview. Something that she couldn't quite wrap her head around that caused her to want to meet me in person rather than make her decision based on what was on paper. She asked me how someone who graduated from Bronx Science could do so badly in QCC. Essentially, I explained that I didn't feel QCC was the place for me. I explained having visited QC and feeling a sense of belonging there. She reasoned, aloud, that I wasn't being challenged academically and I hadn't realized that until she said it. It was the first ray of sunshine in what had been a cloudy collegiate experience for me.
She reviewed my SAT scores (which, for the record, were quite good) and told me that my academic pedigree was strong. She understood why I didn't do well at QCC and she was willing to give me a chance to succeed at QC. This was based on a hunch. An intuition that she had gotten after speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes. I could not believe what had just happened. I was going to attend Queens College!
After completing a few formalities such as writing a short reply to a generic question she had prepared (to prove I can write in English) and filling out some forms, I was officially a QC student. The director then made me promise to follow up with her every semester to let her know how I was progressing. I easily agreed to this condition. After all, this woman had just changed my life!! In hindsight, she changed it in more ways than I could have EVER imagined.
I'll talk about my time at QC some other time but I did want to say one more thing about the QC Admissions Director. I successfully completed my first semester at QC the following fall and was beginning to erase the memory of QCC on my record. I made arrangements to swing by the Director's office in January. It was after the new year but before the start of the spring semester. When I walked into the Admissions Office, I learned that she had transferred to another school and was no longer working at QC. I was disappointed since I really did want to give her a progress report and to thank her for letting me transfer to QC.
If she could only see me now: a graduate of the MA program at QC and teaching other QC students. I don't know where she is now and I am fairly certain she isn't reading this entry but THANK YOU! Thank you for for believing in me and for taking the chance on me. It was just what I needed and I don't know where I would be without you!!
Until next time, faithful reader......
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