(Bear with me. I need to get this off my chest.)
It shouldn't occupy so much of my time.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.
But, for some odd reason, it has lingered in my thoughts longer than I expected and I feel the need to exorcise this growing demon.
I don't have a brother. Not by blood, anyway. I have many close friends that I consider brothers in my heart. "Brother(s) from another mother", if you like that particular colloquialism.
Given that, there has always been a part of me that wished/hoped/imagined myself being the best man at one of their weddings. Once I got to an age when my friends started getting married, I realized that a lot of these men - my brothers - have actual brothers of their own. Being selected as a best man for any of their weddings was not something I honestly considered as a possible reality. The blood brothers have more of a right (a birthright, perhaps?), a more legitimate claim to being the best man and I'm OK with that. I have been OK with that.
So why am I feeling differently about it now? Why am I so fixated on not having the chance to be a best man? I think a large part of it comes down to my perceived value as a friend. I deeply appreciate the connections I've made with these great men I call brothers. Not being considered for "best man" duties makes me feel like I've somehow haven't held up my end of the friendship.
Now I look in the proverbial mirror and ask myself "How could I have been a better friend?" But that type of revisionist history doesn't change what has happened and I can only use this introspection to change my behavior going forward. It's not as if we're going to stop being friends. Like I said earlier, these are my brothers. Those are bonds that are not easily destroyed, especially not because of my own insecurities.
In the past, I've taken time to consider who would be on my list of 'contenders' for best man when it's my time to get married (should that day ever come... LOL). It's not an easy decision and I know that someone may feel slighted if I don't pick them. It almost makes me wish I had a brother (no offense, Eules!) but that's not my reality. I've come to realize that there really isn't a good choice or bad choice.
Also, being selected as a groomsman is not a consolation prize! That's as much an honor as being a best man, in my humble opinion. This is not to say that if I'm not asked to participate in any form in the ceremony that I should be upset or hurt. The tedium of being able on someone else's timetable (the wedding planner or photographer or even the bride and groom) can be draining and sap some of the enjoyment out of the occasion.
Yet, when I see guys from the same circle of friends - a circle that I consider myself a part of - go through the motions with rehearsals, taking photos, or just standing at the altar with the happy couple, it makes my heart sink a little and it makes me feel left out. For much of my childhood, I felt like an outsider so this problem is probably deeper rooted than I imagined when I first started writing this.
The lesson I'd like to impart on you today, faithful reader, is to take some time out of your busy week/weekend/life and contact those who you consider close to you. Reach out to your 'brothers' and 'sisters' and let them know how much you appreciate having them in your life. I'm not encouraging this to improve your chances at being chosen as 'best man' or 'maid of honor', do it as a favor to the friendships you hold dear. The unexpected phone call, visit, or even (dare I say it?) e-mail showing your appreciation will go a long way to picking that person, or those people, up.
Don't assume they know how you feel about them. Tell them yourself!
Brighten up their day today! And who knows, maybe it will be reciprocated!
Until next time......
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