Always the bridesmaid never the... Wait, that's not right (or You are NOT the Best Man)

(Bear with me. I need to get this off my chest.)

It shouldn't occupy so much of my time.

It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.

But, for some odd reason, it has lingered in my thoughts longer than I expected and I feel the need to exorcise this growing demon.

I don't have a brother. Not by blood, anyway. I have many close friends that I consider brothers in my heart. "Brother(s) from another mother", if you like that particular colloquialism.

Given that, there has always been a part of me that wished/hoped/imagined myself being the best man at one of their weddings. Once I got to an age when my friends started getting married, I realized that a lot of these men - my brothers - have actual brothers of their own. Being selected as a best man for any of their weddings was not something I honestly considered as a possible reality. The blood brothers have more of a right (a birthright, perhaps?), a more legitimate claim to being the best man and I'm OK with that. I have been OK with that.

So why am I feeling differently about it now? Why am I so fixated on not having the chance to be a best man? I think a large part of it comes down to my perceived value as a friend. I deeply appreciate the connections I've made with these great men I call brothers. Not being considered for "best man" duties makes me feel like I've somehow haven't held up my end of the friendship.

Now I look in the proverbial mirror and ask myself  "How could I have been a better friend?" But that type of revisionist history doesn't change what has happened and I can only use this introspection to change my behavior going forward. It's not as if we're going to stop being friends.  Like I said earlier, these are my brothers. Those are bonds that are not easily destroyed, especially not because of my own insecurities.

In the past, I've taken time to consider who would be on my list of 'contenders' for best man when it's my time to get married (should that day ever come... LOL). It's not an easy decision and I know that someone may feel slighted if I don't pick them. It almost makes me wish I had a brother (no offense, Eules!) but that's not my reality. I've come to realize that there really isn't a good choice or bad choice.

Also, being selected as a groomsman is not a consolation prize! That's as much an honor as being a best man, in my humble opinion. This is not to say that if I'm not asked to participate in any form in the ceremony that I should be upset or hurt. The tedium of being able on someone else's timetable (the wedding planner or photographer or even the bride and groom) can be draining and sap some of the enjoyment out of the occasion.

Yet, when I see guys from the same circle of friends - a circle that I consider myself a part of - go through the motions with rehearsals, taking photos, or just standing at the altar with the happy couple, it makes my heart sink a little and it makes me feel left out. For much of my childhood, I felt like an outsider so this problem is probably deeper rooted than I imagined when I first started writing this.

The lesson I'd like to impart on you today, faithful reader, is to take some time out of your busy week/weekend/life and contact those who you consider close to you. Reach out to your 'brothers' and 'sisters' and let them know how much you appreciate having them in your life. I'm not encouraging this to improve your chances at being chosen as 'best man' or 'maid of honor', do it as a favor to the friendships you hold dear. The unexpected phone call, visit, or even (dare I say it?) e-mail showing your appreciation will go a long way to picking that person, or those people, up.

Don't assume they know how you feel about them. Tell them yourself!
Brighten up their day today! And who knows, maybe it will be reciprocated!

Until next time......

Remember, remember the 5th of November... again (or RaUM's 3rd anniversary)

Is that really you? Wow, sorry for the mess. Let me clean up here for a moment while I compose myself. Thanks for the unexpected visit.

I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.

I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.

This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.

I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.

Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).

My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.

But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.

I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.

Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.

As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)

Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......

English Language Miscues (or Another Pet Peeve Unveiled)

My nerves are severely frayed and I can sense all of the muscles in my body tense up as I think about what I'm going to write now...

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(1) "Humbleness":
Have you ever heard someone speak a word and do a mental double take? You can make sense of what they said after quickly (or not so quickly) deciphering the mangled portion of what they uttered.

We get what they're trying to say. Sadly, we accept these mispronunciations and move on. After all, our own über-important lives are filled with serious concerns. Why should we bother bruising someone's ego and correct them when we have bigger fish to fry? Am I right?

A word already exists for what you're trying to say here, champ: 'humility'! <For some strange reason, right after I typed it, I read the word as humidity and giggled for a bit.> You cannot take any adjective and add the suffix '-ness' to the end of it and think everything is OK. It's as bad as those folks who think they can convert any English word to Spanish by adding an '-o' at the end. It doesn't work! Understand-o?

If you don't believe me, why not tell me how stupid 'strongness' sounds to you? Perhaps 'teachableness' suits your limited English language needs?

I rest my case.

[Side note: To be fair, I know the word 'humbleness' does actually exist but it isn't commonly used. After all, we do use the word humility more than humbleness. Keep up with modern society, please.]

(2) "At the end of the day, ...":
Ahhhh yes. The hot new saying that everyone seems to be using. It's one of the most overused phrases I have heard in a long time! (It's only rivaled nowadays by 'epic', IMO.) When a person starts every other statement with this phrase, my brain goes to two places (depending on my mood): either the person has nothing of value to share and is trying to sound more interesting or the person genuinely believes the BS that's coming out of their mouths which makes me wonder what the end of their days are like. Well, not really. At the end of the day, they're not that interesting to begin with.

Damn it!!! It's contagious!!

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OKOKOKOKOKOK....
I'll stop venting now. Do you have any other words or sayings that rub you the wrong way? Do share below in the comments section!!

I hope to hear from you.
Until next time, faithful reader......

P.S. On second thought, those people that add an 'o' to the end of English words are worse. Instead of trying to learn the proper word, they decide that Spanish isn't important enough to make an effort for. In fact, they're devaluing the language and, by proxy and perhaps unintentionally, insulting an entire culture.

Envy (or Why Can't I Keep It Together)

Welcome back,

Sorry to return on such a somber tone but... here goes.

It's at moments like these that I find myself at my most weakest. Not physically but emotionally. When I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I lose control of my emotions and my vulnerabilities seep through the surface...

I cried today... I cried at not having a father. It's not as if he's dead or if I didn't know him while growing up. It's quite the contrary. He's very much alive and he has had an impact on my life. The problem is that the impact was mostly negative. When I became an adult (the magical age of 18 when the law determines you're no longer a minor), I decided to live my life in a way that was opposite to the example he set for me. I credited him with teaching me how to be a man by showing me what NOT to do. But I realize now, many years later, I still have a lot of work to do.

I sit here weeping as I realize that I may have ended up more emotionally stable had he actually died when I was young. Or if only he had decided to leave my mom instead of staying and slowly inflicting the damage he did to me, my mom, and my sister, like a deadly cancer. Instead, I sit here, with tears streaming down my face as I type this, envying those around me who have a father they respect, and love, and can turn to in times of need. I hate them... well, that's not entirely true nor is it fair. I hate that they have the luxury of having a good man, or even just a decent one, at their disposal.

I need someone to turn to. I need to feel safe. I need a rock to lean on. I need the wisdom that only comes with age. I need a father. Just not the one I have.

I don't typically cry. But lately I've found it comes really easily to me. I want to do so much more for those I love but feel handcuffed by my financial circumstances. Although money isn't everything (this isn't a cliché thrown in for effect... it truly isn't) I can't help but look at the situation we're in and recognize that we'd all have a little more piece of mind if we just had a little financial comfort. Instead, we claw and scratch and scrape together what we can to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I just want to live.

I want to enjoy life without wondering if my bills will get paid. Wondering if I'll have an apartment to live in next month. Wondering if I can get through the week. Wondering if I'll have food in the kitchen to cook a meal tonight. Wondering if I'll regain my sanity soon. Wondering what will drive me further down this hole next.

I want my dad. I need my dad. Shit... at this point, I'll take any dad. But only one will do. And that man doesn't exist. He never did.

Thanks for sticking with me, faithful reader.
Until next time......

Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)

Welcome back!! =)

Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.

I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."

There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).

I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.

This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.

It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.

I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)

Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......

My Fall Semester and Other Quick Hits

Fall is here and my second semester at Queens College has officially begun. My first impressions of the classes are mixed. They all seem interested in the material thus far, which is nice to see. Also, I was better at my opening day speech this semester because I was able to scare away about 5 students from my 2 classes. Nevertheless, I still have nearly a full course load since I approved 4 over-tallies (2 extra students per class).

My Monday/Wednesday class is similar to my 2 classes from last semester. They seem to take good notes and manage to keep up with a quicker pace (which I prefer since the class doesn't drag). The Tuesday/Thursday class asks lots of questions (not necessarily a bad thing when it happens occasionally). I need to offer a thorough explanation to repeat the answer in an alternate way so that they can understand the material better. The side effect of this is that I can see that I'm losing the attention of the students who 'get it' and then feel the class is dragging along.

I don't mind the questions since they're valid questions but every time we meet I get asked a lot of questions which then takes time from other things we need to go over. On a personal note, another consequence of this is that they keep me in the classroom until 9:20pm (the scheduled end time of the class)!! This is a bad for me but more so for them because the last hour of the class time needs to be dedicated to doing lab work (using SPSS, a program we have for statistical analysis). I have the Sociology department's computer lab reserved for my classes. What I tend to do is dismiss my classes after the lecture is completed and then hang around for the students who want to work in the department's computer lab. The more time we take in class, the less lab time they have (or the later they stay in school since this keeps them from having an early night).

We'll see how things shake out. First exam is tonight and tomorrow. =)

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Disclaimer: Between classes (and grading of the first exam this week) along with finding my own place (among other things), I may end up having less time to dedicate to RaUM in the upcoming week or so. I'll do my best to write a short entry before another full week passes.

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I'd like to offer birthday shout-outs to the Virgos in my life. My fellow earth signs are people I have gotten along with very well for most of my life. Had some fun with some Virgos this past weekend. For the record, I am STILL upset that my sister, also a Virgo, didn't tell me if she had anything going on for her b-day. I may have to tell her to her face since it's not as if she reads my blog anyway. I actually have no idea if she did anything or not. Maybe I should call her...

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I feel sad for my best friend Jorge and his wife who had to give up their 3 kitties after their 21-month old daughter started having very bad allergic reactions to them. I know losing a pet is always hard whether it's because they die, are lost (and never found again) or given away for sudden (yet valid) reasons. However, given his daughter's reaction to them, the choice was clear. I know that given enough time, they'll learn to live without them. I just hope that day comes sooner than later.

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I'm working on a RaUM entry (about Spanglish and my feelings about it) and hope to have it posted some time this weekend. I also hope it won't take me more than a week to finish it up.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Venting and Reflecting (or Getting Something Off My Chest)

[Note: For those of you who read my "A Peek Inside My Soul" post from a few weeks ago, consider this a follow-up post.]

I need to get this off my chest. Bear with me as I open up a little...

There have been times this year where I would become insanely furious with my ex-fiancé. I didn't understand why. I knew I was angry at her and thought it would be better to stay quiet. I wasn't exactly sure what it was that set me off each of those times. I had pieces of the puzzle but I think I now have a clear picture as to what I was feeling.

Ultimately, I can't shake the feeling that we wasted time being together. Not for the duration of the relationship but for the latter part of it. It could be due, partly, to convenience since we lived together and we got along just fine so cohabiting was easy. Part of it is also the convenience of simply being together. There's a saying in Spanish "el costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor" (a roughly translation of the idiom could read "routine is stronger than love"). I think that's what happened to us.

What actually caused us to 'fall out of love' is likely different for us both though I feel like I was the only one willing to speak up about our situation. And we DID try to make it work for a little while but I sensed it was probably too late. I didn't feel like there was any real effort on her part to make things work. I stopped trying to force things work. I succumbed to the inevitable and suggested we break up.

As I mentioned months ago, the feeling was mutual. Ultimately, our decision to split was based on the premise that we were both unhappy. The split would allow us to move on and find our own happiness. We still get along great and I'm glad (and admittedly a bit relieved) that she's moved on.

So why is it then that I have had these moments of bitterness, anger, and regret? It's because there is a part of me that feels I wasted time being with her. What really gnaws at me is being stuck with wondering whether I lost months or years staying with her for as long as I did.

When DID she start 'losing that loving feeling'? Why didn't she say anything to me if she sensed any trouble? The more I think about these things the more I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel bad feeling that way but it's hard to shake that thought.

I'm willing to bet she doesn't know why, or when she knew, the love was gone. These aren't the types of feelings that are tied in to one occasion or specific event. It's a process that occurs over an extended period of time and slowly erodes the foundation of a relationship. I'm not completely innocent and I'm sure I helped contribute to it in some way.

I am not posting this to simply air out my dirty laundry or to reveal some emotional vulnerability. Putting this on paper helps me process my thoughts and allows me to sort things out. I can say with the same certainty as I said it back in the winter, I'm ready to move on and, looking back on things, I wish the break-up had happened sooner.

['Broken record' warning!!] Throughout my life, I was never really comfortable being single. In the past, it was due to insecurities and low self-esteem. Now, I don't feel like I know what to do. I was never good at flirting and don't feel like I would even be able to do it effectively. Also, I'm "socially stupid" when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don't pick up on signals, signs, etc. from women so I don't even know if I'd be able to recognize when someone is interested in me unless she was blatant about her interest. Ultimately, the relationships will come in due time and I'm in no hurry - even though there are times where I feel like the sands in my hourglass are running out.

My primary focus this year has been enjoying my life. There's so much I haven't done, places I haven't seen, people to reconnect with, and once-in-a-lifetime experiences to revel in. My long-time friends have taken to calling me "Alan 2.0" because of how much I've changed in the past few years. I'm more carefree and I make time to go out more. I may not have made the most of my life to date but, in some ways, I am making up for lost time. I don't want any regrets when I look back on my life.

After all, isn't that what it's all about in the end? Live and enjoy life, ladies and gents! Don't settle for less than you feel you deserve.

Until next time, faithful reader......

What I Learned About Life from a Puppy

A mini-post for today:

Most of you who know me personally know I've always been more of a cat-person than a dog-person. However, after observing the behavior of a certain puppy this weekend, I had a quasi-epiphany.

The world could be a better place if we take time to learn a lesson, or two, from dogs when it comes to dealing with other people:

- All we really need in life is a roof over our heads, regular meals, some love and attention, and a daily walk outside. The rest is gravy.

- There is nothing wrong with running up to a person you like and acknowledge them wholeheartedly

- If you don't like or trust someone, there is no shame in snarling, growling, or barking at them to let them know how you truly feel about them (a.k.a. don't be fake. If you don't like/trust someone, don't pretend to like/trust them)

- If you want to play, share your toys.

- Getting in someone's face doesn't have to be a sign of aggression. It may just mean you really like that person.

- Take the time to size someone up before you decide, with good reason, whether you like them or not.

It certainly is food for thought. Does anyone out there have any more lessons we can learn from "man's best friend"?

Until next time, faithful reader......

Thinking back - part 2

Welcome back,

Previously, I started recounted the story of my path from HS to when I dropped out of NYU (and the subsequent regret I had over that decision). This is the story of how I ended up at Queens College.

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After spending several years away from a classroom, I realized my life wasn't really progressing and I wasn't happy where I had been working. Some of the jobs I had in this time included working at a car parts warehouse, a car rental agency (both ends of the transaction: the guy that gives the customer his/her car AND later as the rental agent printing up contracts), and a video store, among others. In all these jobs (except the warehouse), I had either become, or was on the verge of being promoted to, a manager (whether it was P/T mgr or ass't mgr). But despite the increase in pay and responsibility, it was not the life I felt I needed to be living.

I made the decision to go back to school. I had been out of NYU for some time and two of my closest friends were in Queens College. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I were to never go back and get a college degree. I went to Bronx-freaking-Science for Christ's sake!! I had friends who went to Ivy League schools. Others went to top universities throughout the country studying with faculty that were the experts in their fields of interest. What did I have to show for my time at Science? NOTHING. I was an NYU-drop out. I was bitter and needed to get back on the intellectual horse for my own sanity otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself.

I knew I couldn't afford a private university and opted for a CUNY education. I applied to all the CUNY's in Queens: LaGuardia CC, Queens College and Queensborough CC (QCC). Queens College was my first choice. Though I was willing to settle for admission to one of the CC's and transfer after a year or two. I was only accepted to Queensborough which was a blow to my ego but, at least, it got my foot in the door.

I tried to make the most of my time there but, quite frankly, I was so bored with my classes that I didn't feel challenged. I would spend more time hanging out with new friends than working on my class work. I fell behind in my course work and was very unmotivated. In the span of a year, I managed to pass 2 classes, dropped a few (I forgot how many exactly), and the others I failed outright for lack of attendance. I knew I had to get out of there.

I decided a transfer would do me some good. After all, the school I really wanted to go to was Queens College (QC). I need to confess that my primary motivation for going to QC was the fact that my friends were there. They'd tell me about how they spent time there, the people that they've met, and it sounded like fun. So much so, I even started spending my free time at QC and really liked the vibe on the campus. I often rushed out of class at QCC (when I actually went to class) and took the buses to QC just to hang out. I spent my time at the office for the student organization Alliance of Latin American Students (ALAS). It got to the point that people in ALAS thought I was a QC student and were shocked to find out I was going to QCC.

My decision to attend QC was not solely based on the social scene there. After all, it's not as if QC is a bad school, academically. It actually had (and still has) a very good reputation and is one of the few "respected" schools in the CUNY system.

I applied for a transfer during the summer. I didn't get a letter from CUNY Central telling me whether the transfer was accepted or not. Instead, I received a phone call from the Director of Admissions at QC (to this day, I wish I could remember her name). She wanted to interview me in person. I was surprised and excited. I didn't know what to expect but, even though I was extremely nervous, I figured this must be a good sign.

I walk into her office and I'm greeting by a friendly woman. She asks me to take a seat and proceeds to tell me that she has been looking over my application repeatedly. Immediately, my heart sank. I began wondering why I was even called here in the first place. This was a waste of my time! She's seen how badly I've done in QCC. She knows that I've been out of HS for so many years. I only had a B (maybe B-) average at Science. What do I really have going for me??

Well, it turns out... something in my application had caught her eye. Something that made her call me in for the interview. Something that she couldn't quite wrap her head around that caused her to want to meet me in person rather than make her decision based on what was on paper. She asked me how someone who graduated from Bronx Science could do so badly in QCC. Essentially, I explained that I didn't feel QCC was the place for me. I explained having visited QC and feeling a sense of belonging there. She reasoned, aloud, that I wasn't being challenged academically and I hadn't realized that until she said it. It was the first ray of sunshine in what had been a cloudy collegiate experience for me.

She reviewed my SAT scores (which, for the record, were quite good) and told me that my academic pedigree was strong. She understood why I didn't do well at QCC and she was willing to give me a chance to succeed at QC. This was based on a hunch. An intuition that she had gotten after speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes. I could not believe what had just happened. I was going to attend Queens College!

After completing a few formalities such as writing a short reply to a generic question she had prepared (to prove I can write in English) and filling out some forms, I was officially a QC student. The director then made me promise to follow up with her every semester to let her know how I was progressing. I easily agreed to this condition. After all, this woman had just changed my life!! In hindsight, she changed it in more ways than I could have EVER imagined.

I'll talk about my time at QC some other time but I did want to say one more thing about the QC Admissions Director. I successfully completed my first semester at QC the following fall and was beginning to erase the memory of QCC on my record. I made arrangements to swing by the Director's office in January. It was after the new year but before the start of the spring semester. When I walked into the Admissions Office, I learned that she had transferred to another school and was no longer working at QC. I was disappointed since I really did want to give her a progress report and to thank her for letting me transfer to QC.

If she could only see me now: a graduate of the MA program at QC and teaching other QC students. I don't know where she is now and I am fairly certain she isn't reading this entry but THANK YOU! Thank you for for believing in me and for taking the chance on me. It was just what I needed and I don't know where I would be without you!!

Until next time, faithful reader......

Introspective and Contemplative Musings...

I'm going to dig deep into 'me' today... You can always leave now before things get messy... This will not be a light-hearted entry or one filled with interesting anecdotes of my quotidian life...

Still here?

OK then. Suit yourself. You've been warned...

First off, I'm doing this because it's the only method I haven't tried yet to get over this mental funk that I feel I'm in. All the bravado and energy I started the year with is starting to fade just a little and I'm looking to recapture that spark.

You should also know that I hate opening up and exposing myself too much. I've always felt it wasn't in my nature to do so. However, I now feel it's not nature but nurture (or maybe the lack of it) that's at the heart of things.

Bear with me as I open up a little bit. As this is serving as a thought dump, I may end up all over the place and you're not obligated to connect the dots.

- Over the years, I've been told I have emotional barriers. (It happened as recently as a few days ago) Though this may be true, I've never given it much serious thought before today. You can consider this entry a rudimentary self-exploration to what's going on in my noggin. (More stalling? Damn...)

- I'm accustomed to repressing, hiding, or masking my true feelings on many occasions. So much so that I end up on one of two extremes: (1) not being able to open up when I really want to, or (2) I keep things inside to the point that I uncontrollably let out some emotion (usually anger but it's not limited to that).

- I have a constant need to feel like I have to do anything and everything to the best of my ability. If I put in a half-assed effort to something, I usually feel like I let myself down. This need, however, is coupled with a need to impress others. If I feel I'll fail at meeting either of the two needs, I usually abandon that activity altogether whenever possible. It's better for me to not do anything than to fuck it up. This can't be healthy... and being aware of it now, I hope to change it. I hope it this old dog can still learn some new tricks.

- I was talking to my sister about something the other day. Essentially, people don't understand the degree to which we were made to feel like sh*t growing up. This was because of our dad and his constant put-downs. We were never good enough in his eyes. (Except when we did something he could brag about to co-workers about, then we were HIS kids. Every other time we were our MOM'S kids.) He was very vocal in reminding us on a consistent basis that we wouldn't amount to much and that we weren't very good at anything.

One residual side-effect of this is that I find it hard to accept compliments or praise. I justify this by easily dismissing it because I feel I can always do better and/or be better. It's almost as if who I am or anything I do is not praise-worthy. I tend to devalue myself because that's what I grew up with. The positive application of this attitude has been to drive myself to strive for excellence - and, when possible, perfection - in anything I do. Though when I feel that I can't do things well I abandon it altogether (see above). However, I also find that I usually stop myself from even trying if I deem I cannot do things well.

- I feel there are many people who are okay with mediocrity and accept their own limitations. This bothers me greatly and, personally, I cannot. Maybe it's a matter of perspective and they feel they are the best they can be. Maybe they don't realize they can be more than they are. On the contrary, I constantly feel like I should be challenging myself to be better in all aspects of my life, to be a better son, a better brother, a better worker, a better friend, a better lover.

Some things are easier to envision and extremely difficult to put into practice for me. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and not give a damn about the consequences but all I seem to think about are the what if's.

I was reminded of a quote I once heard and I read it again recently: older people do not regret what they have done but rather what they have not. I really need to take charge of things and not put myself in a position where I will regret anything later in life.

- I have never learned to properly deal with failure because I was made to feel like it wasn't a natural part of life. It was either success or nothing. Failure never seemed like an option for me. This is why I think I don't take a chance on anything... I need to know what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so I don't mess things up... It's not matter of preparedness but just me not wanting to fail.

- I'm afraid to open up to people because I've been made to feel like it is a sign of weakness. I hate being this way and, at times, try very hard to not get sucked into that emotional black hole where I disconnect from others. It's difficult for me to gauge how much is too much when I finally manage to share my feelings with others. Which is why I fear opening up in the first place. My apologies to those who have been frustrated by my tight-lipped nature...

- "Sand is so overrated. It's just tiny little rocks."

I recently saw a movie that I hadn't seen in years (one of my faves, actually) and it got me to thinking about things. I empathize with Joel. He's a shy man who has a self-perceived dull and uninteresting life, yet he has a lot of pent-up creativity and a sense of craziness about him. For much of my life, I've routinized my life to going to work and going home (rinse and repeat). Even Joel's experience with "fall[ing] in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention” is something I can relate to.

Watching this movie made me think about my life again. As beautiful and exciting as it would be, I can't expect to just sit around waiting to run into my own Clementine in Montauk (though, is a road trip in order?). I'm content where I am now... but is it enough? . . . . . .

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If I keep writing at this point, I'll veer off on a tangent that I don't want to go on now... so I'll leave you with a quote from the movie cited above.

Until next time, faithful reader...

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Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...