Lesson Learned?

I have been slowly unpacking a lot of my boxes. I have too much stuff and no where to put it. But I decided that I should go through some of these boxes to see what I can throw out (or sell on eBay and craigslist).

In one pile of old papers and notebooks I found some assignments I did back in junior high school. Among that pile o' junk I found Christmas cards I had gotten in the 7th grade. There was an envelope with a present drawn on it, meticulously colored in, and with the word "SUPRISE!" on the ribbon tied on the drawn gift box.

Inside the envelope was a nice card, presumably coming from a box of 15 other cards with similar designs and styles. From inside the card, out came a folded up note. The note was written in that neat penmanship - the kind of handwriting most girls seem to have in junior high school - on a small pink Hello Kitty notepad paper with tiny hearts along the top (where, incidentally, my name was spelled out with each letter inside it's own tiny heart).

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"Alan,
You were right I do have some questions I'd like you to answer (You dont have to answer the questions if you dont want to but you do have to answer)
1) If you do like me wouldn't you want to know more about me? (If you want me to like you I would like to know more about you)
2) Why do you like me? (I know they are stupid questions but I have to get them out of my head)
P.S. Please answer them in a really answer if you know what I mean
P.P.S. Please write (or call) back

Love
S-----"
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I found myself experiencing many mixed emotions as I processed what I had just read. This note was written almost 20 years ago. Why did I keep this card (and all my JHS junk) all this time? Why did this card/note re-appear in my life at this precise moment? What can I learn from this?

-- I was amused by how she told me I didn't have to answer... but I had to answer. =)
-- I have always claimed to be signal stupid and not someone who could gauge interest from women in my past. However, in hindsight, had I paid attention to what this girl was telling me in this note, my love life could have been different. Sometimes people want to know more about you because they find you interesting or are simply fishing for information. But it could also be that they might actually like you... not that this is the ONLY indicator but thinking back on moments in my life, I could have avoided confusion and missed opportunities had I learned this little lesson back in the 7th grade.
-- Why did I like her? An important question. Was it simply a physical attraction? Were there personality traits that drew me to her? These are not trivial details... but why DID I like her??...
-- The sad thing about this note is that I don't remember this girl. She isn't in my 8th grade yearbook (trust me, she isn't there. I checked... twice!) which means she probably switched schools at some point. *sigh* Yet another one of my JHS crushes abruptly exiting my life.
-- Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I honestly cannot remember why... I don't think I ever answered this note. Is it possible I was a snob back then and was turned off by the fact she couldn't spell 'surprise' on the front of the card?? Did I get the card before the winter break and forgot all about the note by the time we came back to school?
-- The important thing about this note, for her, was that it gave her a chance to clean out the clutter from her head. I've realized this past holiday weekend that the clutter in my apartment isn't the only mess I'm dealing with. There is something I've been wrestling with lately and I'm using the emergence of this note as a catalyst for giving myself some piece of mind...

I've said it before and I'll say it again now: I'm a firm believer that coincidences aren't mere accidents. They occur in our lives for a purpose. We just need to be receptive to the reasons for these 'coincidences'. I don't claim to know why this happened to me now at this point in my life, but I do know it opened my eyes to something I should have taken care of a while ago.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Venting and Reflecting (or Getting Something Off My Chest)

[Note: For those of you who read my "A Peek Inside My Soul" post from a few weeks ago, consider this a follow-up post.]

I need to get this off my chest. Bear with me as I open up a little...

There have been times this year where I would become insanely furious with my ex-fiancé. I didn't understand why. I knew I was angry at her and thought it would be better to stay quiet. I wasn't exactly sure what it was that set me off each of those times. I had pieces of the puzzle but I think I now have a clear picture as to what I was feeling.

Ultimately, I can't shake the feeling that we wasted time being together. Not for the duration of the relationship but for the latter part of it. It could be due, partly, to convenience since we lived together and we got along just fine so cohabiting was easy. Part of it is also the convenience of simply being together. There's a saying in Spanish "el costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor" (a roughly translation of the idiom could read "routine is stronger than love"). I think that's what happened to us.

What actually caused us to 'fall out of love' is likely different for us both though I feel like I was the only one willing to speak up about our situation. And we DID try to make it work for a little while but I sensed it was probably too late. I didn't feel like there was any real effort on her part to make things work. I stopped trying to force things work. I succumbed to the inevitable and suggested we break up.

As I mentioned months ago, the feeling was mutual. Ultimately, our decision to split was based on the premise that we were both unhappy. The split would allow us to move on and find our own happiness. We still get along great and I'm glad (and admittedly a bit relieved) that she's moved on.

So why is it then that I have had these moments of bitterness, anger, and regret? It's because there is a part of me that feels I wasted time being with her. What really gnaws at me is being stuck with wondering whether I lost months or years staying with her for as long as I did.

When DID she start 'losing that loving feeling'? Why didn't she say anything to me if she sensed any trouble? The more I think about these things the more I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel bad feeling that way but it's hard to shake that thought.

I'm willing to bet she doesn't know why, or when she knew, the love was gone. These aren't the types of feelings that are tied in to one occasion or specific event. It's a process that occurs over an extended period of time and slowly erodes the foundation of a relationship. I'm not completely innocent and I'm sure I helped contribute to it in some way.

I am not posting this to simply air out my dirty laundry or to reveal some emotional vulnerability. Putting this on paper helps me process my thoughts and allows me to sort things out. I can say with the same certainty as I said it back in the winter, I'm ready to move on and, looking back on things, I wish the break-up had happened sooner.

['Broken record' warning!!] Throughout my life, I was never really comfortable being single. In the past, it was due to insecurities and low self-esteem. Now, I don't feel like I know what to do. I was never good at flirting and don't feel like I would even be able to do it effectively. Also, I'm "socially stupid" when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don't pick up on signals, signs, etc. from women so I don't even know if I'd be able to recognize when someone is interested in me unless she was blatant about her interest. Ultimately, the relationships will come in due time and I'm in no hurry - even though there are times where I feel like the sands in my hourglass are running out.

My primary focus this year has been enjoying my life. There's so much I haven't done, places I haven't seen, people to reconnect with, and once-in-a-lifetime experiences to revel in. My long-time friends have taken to calling me "Alan 2.0" because of how much I've changed in the past few years. I'm more carefree and I make time to go out more. I may not have made the most of my life to date but, in some ways, I am making up for lost time. I don't want any regrets when I look back on my life.

After all, isn't that what it's all about in the end? Live and enjoy life, ladies and gents! Don't settle for less than you feel you deserve.

Until next time, faithful reader......