Welcome back!!
It's no coincidence that the time spent on this blog decreased dramatically when I started going out with my girlfriend last spring.
I found it hard to be open and honest on the blog while simultaneously trying to remain guarded and not open up "too soon" with her at the start of the relationship.
Why the sudden change now? Am I single?? No. No. It's nothing of the sort.
I just realized what this blog meant to me and my sanity. My mental health has taken a toll lately by keeping a lot of my "random" thoughts in my head. Purging my brian of these thoughts that have weighed heavy on my conscience has been cathartic. I've been depriving myself of the opportunity to be less stressed, less overwhelmed, and less helpless for the better part of 2010, which was a challenging year. I refuse to let that happen in 2011.
Those closest to me know that I am not one to open up or share my emotions/feelings very easily. That's what makes this blog rather unique. I don't really hold much back when writing here. There is something inherently impersonal in blogging that makes it easier to write whatever I feel without censoring the content. I do happen to know some of you that visit here, whether it's occassionally or immediately after every post. For the most part, I consider my "audience" to be anonymous. I admit there are times when I want to know EVERYONE that reads this blog. Nevertheless, I truly enjoy writing for the unknown readers (including the future me).
This time away has also forced me to accept something that is probably obvious to most folks. When in a relationship, you cannot force your significant other to like the person you want to be, or the person you try to be around them. They need to accept you for who you are. For better or worse, this blog is an extension of me and maybe even a bigger piece of who I am than I care to admit. After all, a lot of who I am is left in every entry of this blog.
I kept myself from writing much in 2010. That will change going forward. It's not as if I have anything to hide. ;)
For your continued readership and patience throughout 2010, I thank you.
For those of you new to RaUM, I hope you enjoy the sneak peeks into my life.
Until next time, faithful reader......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum (2 hours after posting):
For the record, those who know me well (and that is a very short list, folks) know that I don't share my emotions/feelings very well in the "real world". Blame it on my troubled childhood or poor social skills as a youth. Perhaps, it was never learning how to deal with rejection or never understanding how to accept that life can be fucked up sometimes.
That being said, I want to be clear that the issue with the gf and my blogging had to do with my perception of how she might (or might not) react to things I had to write about. I can be very self-conscious about what I post sometimes (believe it or not!) which can make me more sensitive to any potential feedback I might get from those close to me. I hope you didn't think I was using her as a scapegoat.
Showing posts with label lesson learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lesson learned. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Hesitation Kills (or Learning to Put One Foot in Front of the Other)
Hi there,
I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!
I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.
A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.
Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??
I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.
So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!
I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.
A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.
Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??
I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.
So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Lesson Learned?
I have been slowly unpacking a lot of my boxes. I have too much stuff and no where to put it. But I decided that I should go through some of these boxes to see what I can throw out (or sell on eBay and craigslist).
In one pile of old papers and notebooks I found some assignments I did back in junior high school. Among that pile o' junk I found Christmas cards I had gotten in the 7th grade. There was an envelope with a present drawn on it, meticulously colored in, and with the word "SUPRISE!" on the ribbon tied on the drawn gift box.
Inside the envelope was a nice card, presumably coming from a box of 15 other cards with similar designs and styles. From inside the card, out came a folded up note. The note was written in that neat penmanship - the kind of handwriting most girls seem to have in junior high school - on a small pink Hello Kitty notepad paper with tiny hearts along the top (where, incidentally, my name was spelled out with each letter inside it's own tiny heart).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alan,
You were right I do have some questions I'd like you to answer (You dont have to answer the questions if you dont want to but you do have to answer)
1) If you do like me wouldn't you want to know more about me? (If you want me to like you I would like to know more about you)
2) Why do you like me? (I know they are stupid questions but I have to get them out of my head)
P.S. Please answer them in a really answer if you know what I mean
P.P.S. Please write (or call) back
Love
S-----"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself experiencing many mixed emotions as I processed what I had just read. This note was written almost 20 years ago. Why did I keep this card (and all my JHS junk) all this time? Why did this card/note re-appear in my life at this precise moment? What can I learn from this?
-- I was amused by how she told me I didn't have to answer... but I had to answer. =)
-- I have always claimed to be signal stupid and not someone who could gauge interest from women in my past. However, in hindsight, had I paid attention to what this girl was telling me in this note, my love life could have been different. Sometimes people want to know more about you because they find you interesting or are simply fishing for information. But it could also be that they might actually like you... not that this is the ONLY indicator but thinking back on moments in my life, I could have avoided confusion and missed opportunities had I learned this little lesson back in the 7th grade.
-- Why did I like her? An important question. Was it simply a physical attraction? Were there personality traits that drew me to her? These are not trivial details... but why DID I like her??...
-- The sad thing about this note is that I don't remember this girl. She isn't in my 8th grade yearbook (trust me, she isn't there. I checked... twice!) which means she probably switched schools at some point. *sigh* Yet another one of my JHS crushes abruptly exiting my life.
-- Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I honestly cannot remember why... I don't think I ever answered this note. Is it possible I was a snob back then and was turned off by the fact she couldn't spell 'surprise' on the front of the card?? Did I get the card before the winter break and forgot all about the note by the time we came back to school?
-- The important thing about this note, for her, was that it gave her a chance to clean out the clutter from her head. I've realized this past holiday weekend that the clutter in my apartment isn't the only mess I'm dealing with. There is something I've been wrestling with lately and I'm using the emergence of this note as a catalyst for giving myself some piece of mind...
I've said it before and I'll say it again now: I'm a firm believer that coincidences aren't mere accidents. They occur in our lives for a purpose. We just need to be receptive to the reasons for these 'coincidences'. I don't claim to know why this happened to me now at this point in my life, but I do know it opened my eyes to something I should have taken care of a while ago.
Until next time, faithful reader......
In one pile of old papers and notebooks I found some assignments I did back in junior high school. Among that pile o' junk I found Christmas cards I had gotten in the 7th grade. There was an envelope with a present drawn on it, meticulously colored in, and with the word "SUPRISE!" on the ribbon tied on the drawn gift box.
Inside the envelope was a nice card, presumably coming from a box of 15 other cards with similar designs and styles. From inside the card, out came a folded up note. The note was written in that neat penmanship - the kind of handwriting most girls seem to have in junior high school - on a small pink Hello Kitty notepad paper with tiny hearts along the top (where, incidentally, my name was spelled out with each letter inside it's own tiny heart).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alan,
You were right I do have some questions I'd like you to answer (You dont have to answer the questions if you dont want to but you do have to answer)
1) If you do like me wouldn't you want to know more about me? (If you want me to like you I would like to know more about you)
2) Why do you like me? (I know they are stupid questions but I have to get them out of my head)
P.S. Please answer them in a really answer if you know what I mean
P.P.S. Please write (or call) back
Love
S-----"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself experiencing many mixed emotions as I processed what I had just read. This note was written almost 20 years ago. Why did I keep this card (and all my JHS junk) all this time? Why did this card/note re-appear in my life at this precise moment? What can I learn from this?
-- I was amused by how she told me I didn't have to answer... but I had to answer. =)
-- I have always claimed to be signal stupid and not someone who could gauge interest from women in my past. However, in hindsight, had I paid attention to what this girl was telling me in this note, my love life could have been different. Sometimes people want to know more about you because they find you interesting or are simply fishing for information. But it could also be that they might actually like you... not that this is the ONLY indicator but thinking back on moments in my life, I could have avoided confusion and missed opportunities had I learned this little lesson back in the 7th grade.
-- Why did I like her? An important question. Was it simply a physical attraction? Were there personality traits that drew me to her? These are not trivial details... but why DID I like her??...
-- The sad thing about this note is that I don't remember this girl. She isn't in my 8th grade yearbook (trust me, she isn't there. I checked... twice!) which means she probably switched schools at some point. *sigh* Yet another one of my JHS crushes abruptly exiting my life.
-- Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I honestly cannot remember why... I don't think I ever answered this note. Is it possible I was a snob back then and was turned off by the fact she couldn't spell 'surprise' on the front of the card?? Did I get the card before the winter break and forgot all about the note by the time we came back to school?
-- The important thing about this note, for her, was that it gave her a chance to clean out the clutter from her head. I've realized this past holiday weekend that the clutter in my apartment isn't the only mess I'm dealing with. There is something I've been wrestling with lately and I'm using the emergence of this note as a catalyst for giving myself some piece of mind...
I've said it before and I'll say it again now: I'm a firm believer that coincidences aren't mere accidents. They occur in our lives for a purpose. We just need to be receptive to the reasons for these 'coincidences'. I don't claim to know why this happened to me now at this point in my life, but I do know it opened my eyes to something I should have taken care of a while ago.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Who Am I and What Have I Done With Alan?
Hi there,
I'm smiling on the inside. It's not just a smirk or a grin but a full on ear-to-ear, Cheshire cat smile. I still can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I'm enveloped in an amorphous cloud of positivity and it's merely a harbinger of more great things yet to come for me. My life is moving in a positive direction and I feel more liberated from my former self. My attitude adjustment from the start of the year has been bearing fruit all year and things have only gotten better for me.
I suspect some of my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing the status updates with quotes and affirmations, etc. It's a reflection of who I am now... and I won't change it for anything. I love my life right now. Even though it is far from perfect, it's progressing in ways that I previously had not imagined. There are things that can still be tweaked, modified, improved upon, or just scrapped altogether about me and my life. All things considered, things are going fantastically and I cannot be happier with where I'm at right now. It took a long time for me to reach this point in my life. Being healthier in mind, body, and soul than I've ever been in my life is so liberating. And yet I know I still have not yet reached my goal. The journey has been a long and slow one until now. I feel like I've moved into the passing lane and am speeding ahead to my destination - not the "ultimate destination" (a.k.a. death) but one of self-fulfillment.
Part of the transformation includes having others notice the positive changes I have made. The compliments I've received over the past week or so have done wonders for my self-esteem and my ego. But it's also made me realize the importance of passing it forward to others and that is where I need to make my next change. I have to learn to offer the same compliments to others. I don't mean simple lip-service to make others feel good but sharing genuine feedback, appreciation, and love for others.
There are times that I feel there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need or want to do but it's all good. There have been no wasted moments. There are still a few things I want to knock off the old to-do-list before the year is up and I'll be sure to share those moments with you all when the time comes. Until then I'll leave you with a few quotes that have moved me lately:
= "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." ~ Muhammad Ali
= “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze
= Dimidium facti qui coepit havet: sapere aude (He who has begun is half done: dare to know)
= Each day brings it's own miracles and disappointments. You just need the proper filters to see the good that's around you. =) (via @agsilver51 on twitter)
= If you are scared of failure, you will never succeed. (via @digitalspit on Twitter)
= Quotes are just quotes. When u apply it to ur life, then its wisdom. (via @iconic88 on Twitter)
Until next time, faithful reader......
I'm smiling on the inside. It's not just a smirk or a grin but a full on ear-to-ear, Cheshire cat smile. I still can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I'm enveloped in an amorphous cloud of positivity and it's merely a harbinger of more great things yet to come for me. My life is moving in a positive direction and I feel more liberated from my former self. My attitude adjustment from the start of the year has been bearing fruit all year and things have only gotten better for me.
I suspect some of my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing the status updates with quotes and affirmations, etc. It's a reflection of who I am now... and I won't change it for anything. I love my life right now. Even though it is far from perfect, it's progressing in ways that I previously had not imagined. There are things that can still be tweaked, modified, improved upon, or just scrapped altogether about me and my life. All things considered, things are going fantastically and I cannot be happier with where I'm at right now. It took a long time for me to reach this point in my life. Being healthier in mind, body, and soul than I've ever been in my life is so liberating. And yet I know I still have not yet reached my goal. The journey has been a long and slow one until now. I feel like I've moved into the passing lane and am speeding ahead to my destination - not the "ultimate destination" (a.k.a. death) but one of self-fulfillment.
Part of the transformation includes having others notice the positive changes I have made. The compliments I've received over the past week or so have done wonders for my self-esteem and my ego. But it's also made me realize the importance of passing it forward to others and that is where I need to make my next change. I have to learn to offer the same compliments to others. I don't mean simple lip-service to make others feel good but sharing genuine feedback, appreciation, and love for others.
There are times that I feel there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need or want to do but it's all good. There have been no wasted moments. There are still a few things I want to knock off the old to-do-list before the year is up and I'll be sure to share those moments with you all when the time comes. Until then I'll leave you with a few quotes that have moved me lately:
= "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." ~ Muhammad Ali
= “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze
= Dimidium facti qui coepit havet: sapere aude (He who has begun is half done: dare to know)
= Each day brings it's own miracles and disappointments. You just need the proper filters to see the good that's around you. =) (via @agsilver51 on twitter)
= If you are scared of failure, you will never succeed. (via @digitalspit on Twitter)
= Quotes are just quotes. When u apply it to ur life, then its wisdom. (via @iconic88 on Twitter)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What I Learned About Life from a Puppy
A mini-post for today:
Most of you who know me personally know I've always been more of a cat-person than a dog-person. However, after observing the behavior of a certain puppy this weekend, I had a quasi-epiphany.
The world could be a better place if we take time to learn a lesson, or two, from dogs when it comes to dealing with other people:
- All we really need in life is a roof over our heads, regular meals, some love and attention, and a daily walk outside. The rest is gravy.
- There is nothing wrong with running up to a person you like and acknowledge them wholeheartedly
- If you don't like or trust someone, there is no shame in snarling, growling, or barking at them to let them know how you truly feel about them (a.k.a. don't be fake. If you don't like/trust someone, don't pretend to like/trust them)
- If you want to play, share your toys.
- Getting in someone's face doesn't have to be a sign of aggression. It may just mean you really like that person.
- Take the time to size someone up before you decide, with good reason, whether you like them or not.
It certainly is food for thought. Does anyone out there have any more lessons we can learn from "man's best friend"?
Until next time, faithful reader......
Most of you who know me personally know I've always been more of a cat-person than a dog-person. However, after observing the behavior of a certain puppy this weekend, I had a quasi-epiphany.
The world could be a better place if we take time to learn a lesson, or two, from dogs when it comes to dealing with other people:
- All we really need in life is a roof over our heads, regular meals, some love and attention, and a daily walk outside. The rest is gravy.
- There is nothing wrong with running up to a person you like and acknowledge them wholeheartedly
- If you don't like or trust someone, there is no shame in snarling, growling, or barking at them to let them know how you truly feel about them (a.k.a. don't be fake. If you don't like/trust someone, don't pretend to like/trust them)
- If you want to play, share your toys.
- Getting in someone's face doesn't have to be a sign of aggression. It may just mean you really like that person.
- Take the time to size someone up before you decide, with good reason, whether you like them or not.
It certainly is food for thought. Does anyone out there have any more lessons we can learn from "man's best friend"?
Until next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Crazy text
Hey all,
So a few days ago, I received what has to be one of the strangest text messages I ever had the pleasure of reading (and responding to). Below is the transcript with excess and, at times, unnecessary commentary:
----------------------------------------------------
Unknown # (6:17 PM): Are u paying the daycare or I am being left paying it. It's the bitch bitchin
[Clearly, I was taken aback as I have no children - that I'm aware of - so I clearly had to diffuse the situation quickly without seeming like the idiot that didn't care about paying for the daycare expense of his kids. Either that or just ignore it... but I couldn't do that. This woman needs to know that I'm not the guy she thinks I am. Then again, why am I assuming it's a girl texting? How sexist of me.]
Me (6:23 PM): I don't know who u are and I don't know this #. I suspect your msg was not meant for me.
[This seemed like the best option for a reply. But I wish I had been able to come up with such a 'clever' and thoughtful response in less than 6 minutes. I'm losing my touch.]
Unknown # (6:27 PM): I am the mother of your kids. Don't worry we don't know you either.
[AW CRAP!!! Exactly what I was trying to avoid. I could see the venom oozing off the phone as I read this reply. I had tried to make her realize that she sent the message to the wrong person without having her interpret it as her man trying to skirt his responsibility - and thus upsetting her further. Instead, I got the EXACT reaction I was hoping to avoid. *sigh* What to do now? Let her cool off or reply immediately?]
Unknown # (6:29 PM): Sorry so sorry you're right wrong number truly sorry.
[THANK GOD!!! She figured it out without me replying and making her even more upset. *WHEW* wow... I hope she can get in touch with her baby daddy and get her $$]
Me (6:30 PM): No problem. I completely understand. Good luck.
[Eh... I figured I should reply and let her know it was no big deal... for me that is. It's still a big deal to her.]
Unknown # (6:37 PM): Thanks I need it. :)
['Nuff said]
----------------------------------------------------
Lesson learned:
The next time you find yourself with a random text message from an unknown number, it may not hurt to reply and give some encouragement to those in need.
'til next time faithful reader...
So a few days ago, I received what has to be one of the strangest text messages I ever had the pleasure of reading (and responding to). Below is the transcript with excess and, at times, unnecessary commentary:
----------------------------------------------------
Unknown # (6:17 PM): Are u paying the daycare or I am being left paying it. It's the bitch bitchin
[Clearly, I was taken aback as I have no children - that I'm aware of - so I clearly had to diffuse the situation quickly without seeming like the idiot that didn't care about paying for the daycare expense of his kids. Either that or just ignore it... but I couldn't do that. This woman needs to know that I'm not the guy she thinks I am. Then again, why am I assuming it's a girl texting? How sexist of me.]
Me (6:23 PM): I don't know who u are and I don't know this #. I suspect your msg was not meant for me.
[This seemed like the best option for a reply. But I wish I had been able to come up with such a 'clever' and thoughtful response in less than 6 minutes. I'm losing my touch.]
Unknown # (6:27 PM): I am the mother of your kids. Don't worry we don't know you either.
[AW CRAP!!! Exactly what I was trying to avoid. I could see the venom oozing off the phone as I read this reply. I had tried to make her realize that she sent the message to the wrong person without having her interpret it as her man trying to skirt his responsibility - and thus upsetting her further. Instead, I got the EXACT reaction I was hoping to avoid. *sigh* What to do now? Let her cool off or reply immediately?]
Unknown # (6:29 PM): Sorry so sorry you're right wrong number truly sorry.
[THANK GOD!!! She figured it out without me replying and making her even more upset. *WHEW* wow... I hope she can get in touch with her baby daddy and get her $$]
Me (6:30 PM): No problem. I completely understand. Good luck.
[Eh... I figured I should reply and let her know it was no big deal... for me that is. It's still a big deal to her.]
Unknown # (6:37 PM): Thanks I need it. :)
['Nuff said]
----------------------------------------------------
Lesson learned:
The next time you find yourself with a random text message from an unknown number, it may not hurt to reply and give some encouragement to those in need.
'til next time faithful reader...
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