Hesitation Kills (or Learning to Put One Foot in Front of the Other)

Hi there,

I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!

I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.

A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.

Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??

I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.

So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!

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On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫

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Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)

Until next time, faithful reader......

Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)

Welcome back!! =)

Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.

I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."

There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).

I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.

This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.

It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.

I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)

Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......

My New Apartment (Part 3)

(NOTE: Sorry that this took weeks to write. This arguably has been the hardest of the 3 parts to write...... I hope it was worth your wait.)

If you need to catch up on the story, here are the links to Part 1 and Part 2

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My last week in the old apartment was fairly uneventful. The one thing I should have been dedicating my time to was packing. I had found the new apartment relatively quickly and there was a very small window to get my things over to the new place.

Instead, I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my work schedule. After getting home late after teaching each night, the LAST thing I wanted to do was PACK. Each night that week, I reasoned I had time the next day. That line of thinking didn't work when it got to be Thursday and I knew I had friends helping me move Friday night. I started getting things together in earnest on Thursday night.

I had devised a GENIUS plan to move all of my things to the new place. I was going to recruit several of my male friends to help me take furniture and bulk items to the apartment on Friday night and another group of "volunteers" would come by on Saturday (for the morning and afternoon) to take everything else. This would afford me a little extra time to pack (last minute, of course) on Friday night and MAYBE even Saturday morning. It would also allow me to rent the truck for only 24 hours.

The one snag in the ill-conceived plan was the timing of it all. You see, for those of you who don't remember, Halloween fell on a Saturday this year. I was basically asking my friends to help me move on Halloween weekend. This didn't prove to be a problem on Friday night as I got several dudes to come by and help me with what I figured was the more difficult part. The problem I had was finding people willing to help me out on Saturday. In the end, I only had about 3 people helping me the entire day.

I picked up the keys to my new apartment on Friday afternoon and picked up the UHaul truck before 5pm. My friends began arriving shortly thereafter for the big move. After several hours of heavy lifting, I took my boys out for some pizza and wings. The next morning, with many things still left to pack, I was disappointed to find that very few people were available to help me. Everyone's Halloween plans was beginning to interfere with my moving plans (grrrr). Not that I blame them but I have to admit being a little disappointed with the lack of help.

Eventually, with the help of a select few, I managed to get everything moved to my new apartment by 2AM (yes, you read that correctly*)! Oh, did I forget to mention that this was also when daylight savings time ended? When I say I was done at 2AM, I mean 2AM AFTER the clock was turned back one hour (so I was done by 3AM by my internal clock). There was JUST enough time for me to wash up and head out to my friend's Halloween party.

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The first few weeks in the new place took some getting used to. There were many things about the life I knew that had been disrupted by the move. For starters, I was always used to living with SOMEONE. For most of my life it was my mom and for a couple of years it was with my ex. There is a lot to be said about having someone in close proximity to you. A residual closeness that I had gotten so used to and found so comforting. I didn't have to speak to the person but knowing someone was around was a nice feeling.

Now that I was living on my own I was more aware of how alone I was. Being forced to a position of self-sufficiency wasn't the issue. It was not having anyone to talk to. Not having anyone ask me a question or even tell me about their day. I had gotten so accustomed to these things in my life that I didn't realize how important it was for me to have someone with me.

There was so much alcohol that I had brought from the old apartment I figured I either needed to start drinking it myself or plan for the housewarming party. I recall the first night in my apartment I decided to have a celebratory cocktail and I made myself a margarita. The next night, I mixed myself another drink which I had with dinner. The following day I was in the mood for my 'nightly' drink while I was cooking. I had a pre-dinner cocktail and another one with dinner. Over the next few days, my own personal Happy Hour progressed to the point where I would have at least 3 drinks a night. I would go to bed buzzed daily (there were a few nights were I can say I was legitimately drunk).

This couldn't continue long term and there were two factors that led me to stop drinking as much as I did those first two weeks on my own. The first was a practical reason and it was financial. Drinking is an expensive hobby if you do too much of it and I wasn't ready to commit to buying a bottle or two every week. The second factor was much more personal. I've alluded to my father in my blog before... and it is partly due to him that I was able to stop drinking as much as I did.

My father was an alcoholic. He was in severe denial and I suspect that to this day he probably still believes he never really had a drinking problem. Though he had his moments of kindness, overall he was not a good man to my family. His way of coping with the stress in his life was to drink. To be honest, he was a better person when he was drunk. But it was this realization that really hit home with me.

I was dealing with the loneliness I was experiencing by distracting myself with my daily drinks. Alcohol was incorporated into nearly every aspect of my nightly routine. Since I got home late after teaching, I would mix a drink before starting to prepare dinner. I'd drink during dinner. I'd drink after dinner. I'd regularly fall asleep on the futon in the living room and wake up to a TV that had been on all night and staring at a half empty glass by my side.

I've since stopped drinking in excess thought I still enjoy a drink or two every now and again. In the weeks leading up to my move (and even a little after), many people told me that a person starts learning a lot about themselves when they live on their own. I didn't quite see that learning process manifest itself until I managed to clear my head of some clutter that had been keeping me from discovering who I am. I understand that the process is an ongoing one. It's an awakening of sorts; a discovery, if you will. And it is one that I'm genuinely excited about and I cannot wait to see where this journey takes me.

Until next time, faithful reader......

* A special thank you goes out to Anthony for his help on my moving weekend. He was the only one who came to help me on both days and even helped me almost until midnight on Halloween. He was heading out to the same Halloween party I was going to and I felt guilty that it was my move that made him go to the party so late. I am eternally grateful for his help during my move and I hope to someday repay him in kind. From the bottom of my heart, thank you brother! I owe you big time!

My New Apartment (Part 1)

Hello there,

It certainly has been a while, hasn't it?

When I started writing this entry it was a week before Halloween. I was excited that I had finally found my next apartment. My bona fide bachelor pad. Then, the reality of having to pack, moving, and getting settled in the new place smacked me in the face. Hard!

Here's the story of my new apartment...

I had been actively looking for an apartment for almost 6 weeks. My roommate has found a place and moved out already. I was living alone in an apartment that was too big (and, frankly, too expensive) for just me. And even though I was alone, the apartment didn't feel like my own. It has been shared for several years and I couldn't shake the history that existed in that apartment. It would never be "MY" place no matter how long I lived there.

I spoke with my landlord in September and informed her I'd be forced to move (and thus breaking my lease). We agreed that, as long as they found someone to move in immediately, I wouldn't lose any part of my deposit.

I set a personal deadline of October 15th as my final day in the apartment. I figured I would find a place to move into by the 1st. This would give me two solid weeks to organized my things and move into the new apartment without having to rush. Well, Oct 1st passed and I started considering a quicker move. Perhaps I'd move on the weekend of the 15th instead. The stubborn old me wanted to stick to my self-imposed deadline. In the meantime, the landlord had people visiting my apartment every weekend. I didn't mind. If anything, I welcomed all the visitors. Every new person walking into my place was another potential resident who would assure me the full amount of my deposit.

Panic didn't set in until around the 15th. I hadn't been able to find a suitable apartment up to that point. Time was running out and I certainly didn't want to move in the winter. I've done a cold weather move before and it is BRUTAL. I definitely did NOT want to live through that again. Also, I didn't want my friends (those who would help me move) to deal with bad weather either.

That weekend, my landlord had set-up several appointments to view my apartment. I indicated to her that I wanted to move by Nov 1st. I had a concrete date now. A fixed deadline. I didn't want to back down on my word. I had to find a place... and soon!

(To be continued, faithful reader......)

Milestones

Welcome back to another installment of RaUM,

I usually don't consider any drop in weight to be permanent unless I can have three consecutive days at or near the 'new' weight. But I can say unequivocally that I officially 185 pounds!

My first major milestone weight was getting to 200 pounds. When I reached 200, I thought I could make it to 185 and figured that would be the absolute minimum weight I could maintain and still be healthy. I created short term goals along the way. The first goal was getting under 200 pounds and maintaining that weight. Then I used every 5 pounds as a mini-goal. Now that I'm at 185, and feeling fantastic, I realize that I still have few extra pounds that I could lose.

I'm in a strange place now, mentally. I never thought I would be able to drop below 200 pounds on a consistent basis and 185 always seemed so far away for the past 2 years that, now that I am at this weight, I almost don't know what to do. Do I consider a lighter weight as my new "ultimate" goal? Do I maintain my current weight and stay content with my progress to date? I don't want to reach the point where all I want to do is continue losing weight because that's not realistic.

I know I mentioned before it isn't so much about weight as it is about how I look and feel. I can definitively say that one thing that has annoyed me about the whole weight loss process is realizing that almost every bit of clothing I wore last fall/winter fits a little too loose for my liking now for the colder weather we're about to experience in the Northeast. I need to go on a little shopping spree for my new body. =)

To be honest, I'm kind of afraid to go shopping since I may undergo another weight loss and change in my body which will make all the new clothes relatively useless. but I think it's a small price to pay for the "new" me.

I'd like to thank those of you who have supported me along the way, whether directly or indirectly. Every comment about how much slimmer I looked, every second glance I got from the most unexpected people, and every seemingly innocuous comment about how I was looking better, not only boosted my ego but gave me additional motivation to keep plugging along to my goal in the past two years.

Recap of my progress (based on weight):
Holiday season 2007-08 -- 225 (possibly closer to 230)
August 2008 -- 216-217
Dec 31, 2008 -- 206
February 13, 2009 -- ~201
March 23, 2009 -- 198 (plateaued at this weight for quite some time but I was happy to be consistently under 200 lbs.)
July 12, 2009 -- 195 (finally a break through in the summer but plateaued here again and became a bit frustrated but plugged right along continuing what I was doing)
October 15, 2009 -- 185!!

- 40+ pounds in less than 2 years
- 20 pounds in the 10 months of this year
- 10 pounds in the last 3 months alone

I'm soooooooo stoked. I haven't decided on my next milestone. But I can say that now I'm a full fledged Middleweight (my UFC/MMA fans know what I'm talking about!).

I cannot adequately express in words how immensely proud I am of getting as far as I have. Thank you again to those who have encouraged me, directly or indirectly, in the past 2 years.

I am a new man. And I'm loving every second of it.

Until next time, faithful reader......

The Fake Sound of Progress

Hello once again,

A brief explanation to my RaUM-nivores: I've been fairly quiet recently but not because I haven't actually written anything. I've been recording a lot of my 'random and unforced musings' but there are certain things that are for my eyes only. Lately, when I've put the digital pen to paper, it's been more for the sake of self-therapy than public consumption. I thank you for understanding the importance of that personal writing process for me.

With that said, I think this would be a good time to fill you in on my weight loss/fitness progress.

I'm willing to go so far as to say that I am in the best shape of my adult life right now. In terms of weight, I've been staying steady at 195 pounds. I'm not too upset about that since I know that I'm leaner now than I've been in quite some time. Admittedly, I don't put a lot of stock in weight per se. I think that is where many people go wrong when trying to "lose weight". They focus on this one dimension, this single measurement to track their progress: the number on the scale.

This is not to downplay the importance of weight. It is surely the most visible and easily noticed change when someone adopts a new diet and/or an exercise plan. However, it's not the only tool at a person's disposal. For example, I know I'm leaner. My stomach is not as pronounced as it was when I first started my journey to better fitness/health. In addition to weighing myself, I also measure my mid-section to track how much girth I'm losing. The decrease in the size of the belly (along with hips, legs, and other body parts you may wish to measure) is an excellent motivator and an easy way to double check your progress when the scale doesn't make it overly apparent.

Many people overlook the role of new muscle built when beginning an exercise plan. I haven't completely abandoned the gym but I've tried to keep things simple by doing basic exercises at home. I haven't bulked up tremendously but I have noticed an improvement in my physique as a result of both the weight loss and the slight increase in muscle mass. With these two factors combined, there is a 'canceling out' effect on the scale. For all the fat I'm burning with my cardio, I'm replacing it with new muscle. I won't be naive enough to say it's a 1-to-1 ratio but I do recognize that the likely reason for not dropping more weight once I got under 200 lbs is due to new muscle.

Does this mean someone is not progressing if the scale keeps giving the same read out for weeks? Absolutely not. You have to consider other factors. Measuring your body is one tool. Another significant and, in my opinion, often overlooked factor is how you feel. Has your mood improved? Is there an increase in self-esteem? Are you feeling a sense of accomplishment? If not, it is likely that you're being too hard on yourself or that you have unrealistic expectations that need to be tempered. I've been there before. Now, I'm pleased knowing that sometimes I will make quick and immediately noticeable progress and have learned to accept that sometimes it'll take baby steps to get to where I want to be physically. I no longer get frustrated because I know that I'm taking all the right steps to ultimately arrive at my desired goal.

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Personal milestone: I recently did 30 consecutive pushups. I probably could have done another 5-10 but had in my mind to complete 30 and stopped there. This is a significant milestone for me because prior to this year I was never able to do more than 15 pushups. Even when I managed to do 15 pushups, the last 3-4 were always a struggle and the jelly arms would kick in as I wobbled up and down the movement.

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My cousin Nelson flew in from Portugal this weekend and unfortunately only stayed in NYC for two days. I haven't seen him in about 2 years and I love when he visits. When we see each other it's as if we has seen each other just a few days before. The beauty of this trip was that it was the first time his wife has been in NYC. I have not had the honor or privilege of meeting her until now. She is very chill, down to earth, and has a good sense of humor. If she hadn't already been married to my cousin I'd would have hit on her. haha. ;)

I had a great time with them (and everyone else) last night at the family gathering. I offered to take them to the airport this morning for their flight to the west coast and had a nice convo with them during the car ride. I hate to see them go so soon but it gave me additional motivation to get my act together and visit them in Portugal soon.

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With that, I bid you adieu for now!
Until next time, faithful reader......

Before and After

Hey there,

For those of you who were curious to see my weight loss progress, I've included "Before" and "After" pics in this entry.

I am now using the "After" pictures as my NEW "Before" pics. =)

185 (my target weight): here I come!!

BEFORE:
1 - November 2007: Watching a soccer game with my uncles














2 - April 2008: At a Mets game for my b-day
















3 - July 2008: Outside MSG for the Bon Jovi concert




















AFTER:
1 - Out and about in December 2008






























2 - Around New Year's (Dec 08/Jan 09)















I've still got a bit of a belly (nothing's changed since my childhood apparently... haha) but it's not nearly as pronounced as before.

I will post updated pics when the summer comes around.

Until next time, faithful reader...

Unexpected Motivation

I've plateaued at 198 lbs, y'all. I've been stuck at that weight (approximately) for over a month now. I figure my body has gotten accustomed to my training and I need to make a change in my routine.

Sunday morning, I was going to play soccer at 8AM - which I hope will become a weekly ritual and will be a great way to shake my body up a little. Sadly, I forgot to set my alarm after getting home Saturday night just before 2AM (early for some, late for others). I overslept and didn't make it to the field in time to actually play but I got to check out the surface (astroturf... that'll be a first), scout some of the better players (as a defender, I would like to see who I'm up against... I can take these guys), and got a sense of their style of play. I was introduced to some of the players and they know to expect me next week. Should be fun!

I may also have the opportunity to play 'enforcer' once in a while. This should be fun as well and would allow me to release some pent up aggression. I pity the first man to earn my wrath on the pitch - and I DO mean 'earn'. I don't lash out at fellow players simply for the sake of it. We're not professionals and we're not getting paid so I'm not looking to hurt anyone. Yet I'm not against policing players on the field, especially when they get overly aggressive with my teammates.

Last night, while hanging out with some old friends, plans were also set to play handball in the afternoon today. I had decided I would play soccer in the morning and handball afterwards. When I left my friends last night, I mentioned that I was playing soccer early so I needed to sleep a little. After all, I'm not in my 20's any more... haha.

Turns out my friends were 'concerned' about me playing soccer and handball. They reasoned that since that is something they can't do now at their age - since they feel they are fitter than I am - that for me to try the 'doubleheader' would be ridiculous. I was offended when I found out about this and now have added motivation to push myself even harder, both in preparation for the High Rock Challenge in April and for my continued fitness goals. I'm so insulted that I'm upset that they judged my determination and how DARE they question my dedication.

I am certain I will be insanely sore after next Sunday. The aches and pains are worst after the first time. But the body adapts and I know I will get accustomed to that level of physical exertion. I am also sure that there will be a weekend or two where I will pass on one or both of the sports to take a break during on some random Sunday. But I'll be damned if I sit here and let these friends of mine question whether I can do this!!

You know what drives me?
- At my age, things are pretty much going downhill. I'm even more convinced of the accuracy of the old saying "Youth is wasted on the young." This is because many things are taken for granted by young people, especially when it comes to the body. Once the body starts to slow down, there are two options available to you: (1) accept it or (2) balance it the negative effects of aging with added physical activity.
- The need to be healthier. This is where my diet comes into play. I don't eat as badly as I did in the past. I've eliminated many eating bad habits (overeating at meals, emotional eating, 'blind' snacking), I snack less often, when I snack I eat smarter, and I eat a more balanced diet. I, by no means, follow the plan perfectly 100% of the time but I make a conscious effort to eat well whenever I can.
- Finally, when my weight first reached 200 lbs. I was stunned. I was weight training hard at the time and simply attributed it to the muscle mass I may have gained during my training. I can't say for sure whether it was true or not but I know that it was nearly 10 years ago that I hit that milestone and it wasn't until recently that I dropped below 200. I don't ever want to be 200+ again. Simple as that.

Until next time, faithful reader.....

Last post of 2008: My Fitness Goals

This is the last post of 2008!!! (In case you didn't read the title... hahaha)

Thanks for those of you who've been following my journey thru the last few weeks. This blog has been a lot of fun to maintain (and to vent on). I hope the new year will bring many new memories that I will remember for years to come: new experiences, new places traveled to, reconnecting with old friends, and cherishing the times spent with those around me.

One of the things that has helped make the end of this year so special for me is seeing the results of my "hard work" as it relates to my health and fitness.

During the holiday season of 2007, I tipped the scales at 225 (roughly... it may have been more but that's the heaviest I ever actually saw on a scale). I didn't think anything of it but I knew I was the biggest I had been in my life. I knew any change would have to be gradual and I couldn't expect to drop 25 pounds in 5 weeks. I also felt like I didn't have much time to dedicate to the gym or to working out at home.

I made small changes early in the year. I had decided (around the early Spring) to stop snacking cold turkey. Any time I had an impulse to reach for a cookie, brownie, piece of cake, etc. that was lying around the house, I'd reach for something else. Other times I'd stop and consider whether I really wanted the snack or if it was merely a reflex reaction to seeing the snack nearby. I've stopped drinking soda years ago and replaced it with water so I knew that small changes such as these would benefit me greatly.

The next thing I did, in late spring, was buy a treadmill. I was afraid that it would become an oversized coat hanger but I have been putting it to use occasionally. Even if it was just to walk, I managed to get on it frequently enough that I got used to doing some physical activity in the house (this was a HUGE mental hurdle... definitely a good thing!!). I even started dreaming of running a marathon in two years (a reasonable goal). Now that may NEVER happen but at least I felt good having goals that seemed well within my reach if I chose to go for it.

I was finishing up my graduate studies in the first half of 2008 and didn't really dedicate any serious time to working out. I only made a slight change in diet (stopped snacking). I knew this was not going to be enough and by the time I finished my thesis in August, I weighed around 216-217. By September, I had time to go back to the gym on a regular basis (and actually USE the freaking membership to Bally's that I keep paying for every year!!), I noticed a rapid change in my physique and weight.

I have been harping on my weight in this post and want you to know that I'm aware that weight isn't the end all be all to personal fitness. I weighed around 150 lbs. from junior high school through the end of high school (I grew into my body... lol). My sedentary lifestyle 'earned' me an additional 15-20 pounds (maybe more?) after graduating from high school but I stayed at that new weight for some time. I was chubby but didn't feel unhealthy. Once I started lifting weights more consistently in my early to mid 20's, I gained a lot of muscle weight. So much so, in fact, that I hit 200 lbs. (much to my shock) for the first time in my life despite being trimmer in the waist than I had been in years. I was still chubby (lol) but I felt I was definitely better off. Yet any BMI reading would have told you I was bordering on "Morbid Obesity". Clearly, I wasn't. But I also haven't been below 200 pounds since.

This is what drives my "weight loss" efforts now. Before, I used to look at going to the gym was a means to an end goal: losing weight. I now see physical fitness as a lifestyle and not simply a single season of working out hardcore. It isn't about reaching a finish line but it is more about maintaining a consistent fitness level which will allow me to be healthier for the rest of my life. I no longer see a visit to the gym as a chore. It is simply one other thing for me to do in a week. If I happen to miss a day, I don't have the guilt I used to feel because my gym days are not tied in with a finite weight loss goal. Now those goals are tied in with my overall health. It is a long term plan now and not one that is meant to produce short term results.

I currently weigh 205-206. I joked with my friend Jorge the other day that I'm officially a light heavyweight by MMA weight classes!!

My ultimate goal is to reach 185 pounds by my birthday (early May). I won't be disappointed, however, if I have a leaner body without reaching that target number. I would like to keep dropping pounds but I don't know what my actually body mass is, so I need to be realistic about my goals. For all I know, 190 might be my lower limit and I won't be able to drop below that without being unhealthy.

No matter where I end up this spring 2009, I know I will be happy with who I have become. I know that the result of the work and effort I've put in these past months (and those upcoming) will reveal itself then. This isn't a resolution. This is a change in mentality, in motivation, and in my lifestyle. It's one that is meant to help me cope with a body that is slowing down due to the aging process. By no means am I breaking down any time soon but I do notice a change in how my body works now compared to 10 years ago.

I don't want to wait until a doctor mandates me to start a fitness regimen. I don't want to be in a severe accident before I realize how out of shape I am. I am being proactive and plan to maintain this for the rest of my life.

So this new year, though I may have a finite goal for my birthday, it's all about my health and my well-being: physical and mental!

I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year 2009!

Until next year, faithful reader...