Remember, remember the 5th of November... again (or RaUM's 3rd anniversary)

Is that really you? Wow, sorry for the mess. Let me clean up here for a moment while I compose myself. Thanks for the unexpected visit.

I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.

I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.

This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.

I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.

Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).

My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.

But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.

I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.

Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.

As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)

Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......

Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)

Welcome back!! =)

Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.

I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."

There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).

I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.

This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.

It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.

I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)

Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......

A Peek Inside My Soul (or Opening Up Some More)

"In a world full of everything, there are still days where I feel I have nothing." - my tweet from Jun 17, 2009 @ 4:43PM

I hate to admit it but I'm starting to think this rainy weather has begun to take it's toll on me. I've been really moody lately and hadn't been able to put my finger on what was causing it. Little insignificant things have set me off. I've gotten angry really easily lately. I've gotten extremely ecstatic very quickly. I've also become quite melancholy at the drop of a dime. I am trying hard to keep my emotions in check but for this past week it has been a challenge at times. Maybe some sun will do me some good. Thankfully, my workouts have helped a little over the past few days.

I've been known to sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. I have slowly realized, over the years, that it is mainly because I don't know how to let my emotions out verbally. I often find myself tongue tied and don't know how to express myself. Some people have told me it's as simple as saying 'X', 'Y', and 'Z', but it isn't. Not for me, anyway.

If we ever share a moment where I express any gratitude, show appreciation for something you did or said, or I'm in the unfortunate circumstance to tell you how sorry I am for your loss... understand that it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I find it hard to find the right words to convey the message I have deep inside. The feeling is there but the words aren't always.

This blog of mine helps me get over this character flaw a little. There are no faces looking back at me. Although, I will see some of you in person, I feel like I can get away with saying some things here that I may not be able (or have the nerve) to say in person - whether it is meant for you directly or not.

Nevertheless, there are still some things that I will keep close to the vest. Things that are either too personal to share or that will violate someone else's privacy. I try hard to keep the focus on me in this blog. This is not out of some sense of narcissism. I just feel like the only person I can really sound off on, or open up about, with reckless abandon is myself.

I even have some blog entries that I have written than remain unpublished. These entries will stay unpublished for the immediate future. Posting them would be inappropriate until I actually talk to the individual(s) that the posts are about. Only then will I know whether it's ok to publish it for all the world to see, or not. Also, some of my unpublished entries were written as a form of catharsis. Writing about that experience/feeling/moment was simply an exercise in letting things out. Those entries are meant for my eyes only... for now. ;)

Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest...

At this time next week, I will be having fun under the bright lights of Las Vegas!!

I'm super excited and am looking forward to this trip! Not just because it gets me out of NYC (and this dreary weather) but it's one of the places I have been wanting to visit (did I remember to put that on my "to do list" blog entry a few months ago?). I always figured one day I would have the balls to actually enter into one of the WSOP tournaments and that would be at the heart of my Vegas trip. Now, it's all about leisure!

Preliminary plans include seeing Blue Man Group, dinner (and partying) at Tao, and getting a tan. Vegas weather forecasts for next week show sunny skies with highs in the low 100's and nighttime temps in the low 80's. It's a lot hotter than I would like but it's not going to keep me from enjoying myself.

If any of you have been there before and have any advice, suggestions, tips, etc. for things to do, places to see, etc., please comment.

I hope to get one more entry in before I leave for Vegas.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Five Stages of Grief (2008 Mets fan version)

Dear reader,

As you may know, the past two seasons have not been good times to be a Mets fan. Granted, it isn't the 1990's (what I refer to as the 'Dark Years'), but it's been difficult to see so much money and talent going to waste. As the 2008 season came to a close, a possible sequel to the "Collapse of 2007" loomed. The end of this season was a nail-biter. My playoffs tickets had been purchased and sent via e-mail (permanently available in PDF format on my laptop) before the end of the season. Needless to say, the season did not end well as our hated rivals, the Philadelphia Phillies, not only made the playoffs but won the NL East.

This entry will chronicle my personal path through the Five Stages of Grief for the NY Mets 2008 season.

1. Denial and Isolation: At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
This pic was taken after the last game I attended at Shea Stadium (during the last week of the season). The writing was on the wall even at this stage. I witnessed yet another loss which brings the Mets to a record of 1-7 when I attended during the 2008 season. When will the pain end? Will they be able to come back? Who am I kidding!! I know they will and we're going to the playoffs!! No one can tell me otherwise... I have the tickets to prove it!! LET'S GO METS!!!

2. Anger: The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if s/he's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
How the hell could the Mets win so dominantly with Johan on Saturday and NOT carry that momentum over to Sunday's game. And Ollie was pitching a good game (especially since he's pitched some stinkers this season!!). WTF!?!? I had these f'n tickets in my hand!! I was going to visit Shea one more time in a playoff game!!! AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!! Why did I have to bring them such bad luck this season!!?? I should have missed a few games and they would have won AT LEAST ONE of those games!!! No-o-ooooo!!!!

3. Bargaining: Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?
Maybe the baseball gods will be kind to us and modify the qualifying rules for the postseason. They could find a way to add one more wild card team to the mix. Bud Selig could force MLB to pass the rule and put it into effect immediately. I mean, the NHL added a new rule in the middle of the playoffs last season... MLB can do it to right?? Please, oh great pantheon of baseball legends, give the Mets a chance to show that they are a good team and let us play this postseason... please... pretty please... I'm on my knees... Maybe the new rule can get the Yanks in too... (then again, maybe not... lol)

4. Depression: The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
My visits to the Brooklyn Brewery became more frequent after the season (and my baseball loving life) ended. I even managed to sneak in to the distillery and tried to drown my sorrow straight from the fermenting tanks. It tasted awful but it took my mind off of the Mets for a few minutes. Moments later, while in the ambulance, I was told by friends that I was asked to never return again... especially since they found out I jynxed the team during 7 games. I opened the door and jumped out before we made it to the hospital so I think I managed to avoid a hefty bill. Who cares... it still won't change what the Mets did to me. I didn't even get a picture of the spot where Tommie Agee hit the HR in the Upper Deck at Shea. That place is gone forever... except in my memories... *sniff*

5. Acceptance: This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Yesterday, I finally realized that there would be no Mets appearance in the postseason. I realized that the tickets I had in my possession wouldn't allow me to actually enter the stadium since the games were never formally scheduled. I also found out that the playoffs did actually take place without the Mets and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays made it to the World Series against... some NL team.. I forget. At least there was one good story to talk about this postseason! So if the tickets are worthless, then I might as well get rid of them. Here you go Mr. Shredder. Enjoy them. I know I wasn't able to.

Here's to another postseason of wondering, waiting, uncertainty, hope, anticipation, and preparation. Spring Training can't come fast enough. I'll be watching this March as I do every season since my childhood. I plan to make my way to CitiField in April 2009 (yes, in person... inside... not just staring at it from the GCP).

This is still my team. And I still love them, win or lose. Let's go Mets!!

Faithful Mets fan til the end (despite the heartache, heartbreak, and heart attacks),
Alan G.

P.S. Can we have a winning record when I attend in 2009, plz? Do you hear me Mr. Ruth?