Hesitation Kills (or Learning to Put One Foot in Front of the Other)

Hi there,

I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!

I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.

A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.

Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??

I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.

So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!

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On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫

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Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)

Until next time, faithful reader......

Karaoke Obsession

Welcome back,

Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!

Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.

When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.

Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P

I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.

The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!

I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.

To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.

Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':

Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins

Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)

Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots

Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis

Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words

If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.

This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.

Until next time, faithful reader......

On My Own and Moving Along

I hate moving... Those of you who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or have been friends with me for years know this about me.

My current situation: I need to move despite loving my current apartment. Both of my roommates have moved out and I simply cannot afford the apartment on my own.

I've looked at a couple of decent places, one really nice apartment, seen a lot of awful listings online, and I'm hoping to get it all sorted out soon (a.k.a. this upcoming week... cross your fingers and toes plz).

I have a couple ideas I'm bouncing around in my head to blog about. But I wanted to assure those of you who have been patiently waiting for my blog entry on Spanglish - you know who you are - that it will post very soon (I'm targeting sometime this beginning of the upcoming week, maybe Monday or Tuesday).

With that being said, I realized the other day that I'd rather not post anything on RaUM if all I have to offer you is an apology for not posting anything and a promise to post after a few days (or weeks). So I'm avoiding that in this entry.

I have to admit that having the apartment to myself is a great idea... on paper. To be honest, the first few days sucked. I missed having someone around. I'd been so used to having some ambient noise in the apartment whether it was during the time that I took care of my mom (financially) for all those years after my parents separated or more recently living with my fiancee (ex-fiancee now). I won't go so far as to say I was depressed but I was definitely melancholy. On those early nights I couldn't go to sleep because it was too quiet. I tried everything from reading, to watching TV, to drinking tea, to playing xBox to exhaustion... nothing worked. I recall seeing the outside world getting a little brighter, as the sun began to rise, just as I managed to SOMEHOW fall asleep. Sometimes being left alone with your thoughts is a TERRIBLE thing.

It's been just about a week now and one of the major adjustments has been getting myself accustomed to make dinner ahead of time. I get home any time between 9 and 10 PM on nights that I teach and, quite frankly, I'm too tired to start whipping up a meal on the spot. The idea of ordering out has been EXTREMELY tempting but I've been good about eating well and have had enough will power to avoid the easy take-out meal for dinner. It's not that I won't do it every now and then but I don't want to fall into the habit of doing it regularly. What I need to do is make several meals on the weekend and re-heat them throughout the week. That way I will always have something to eat. I'll also have some quick fix, on-the-fly type of foods available as well so if I don't feel like eating what I have in the fridge, I can still eat a good meal without resorting to eating food out of a can.

I can now say that I'm finally settling in to the idea of being on my own. It's not a terrible thing (it felt rotten early on) but it certainly will be a work in progress as I discover new things about being alone that I'm not necessarily aware of now: good and bad.

I'd like to hear from you on this topic. Help me figure things out a little, faithful reader. For those of you who have been on your own, what's been the biggest adjustments and/or lifestyle changes you had to deal with? For those of you who have yet to be on your own, what do you most look forward to when you think about living by yourself and what do you think you will miss the most from your current life?

I hope to hear from you soon.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Who Am I and What Have I Done With Alan?

Hi there,

I'm smiling on the inside. It's not just a smirk or a grin but a full on ear-to-ear, Cheshire cat smile. I still can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I'm enveloped in an amorphous cloud of positivity and it's merely a harbinger of more great things yet to come for me. My life is moving in a positive direction and I feel more liberated from my former self. My attitude adjustment from the start of the year has been bearing fruit all year and things have only gotten better for me.

I suspect some of my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing the status updates with quotes and affirmations, etc. It's a reflection of who I am now... and I won't change it for anything. I love my life right now. Even though it is far from perfect, it's progressing in ways that I previously had not imagined. There are things that can still be tweaked, modified, improved upon, or just scrapped altogether about me and my life. All things considered, things are going fantastically and I cannot be happier with where I'm at right now. It took a long time for me to reach this point in my life. Being healthier in mind, body, and soul than I've ever been in my life is so liberating. And yet I know I still have not yet reached my goal. The journey has been a long and slow one until now. I feel like I've moved into the passing lane and am speeding ahead to my destination - not the "ultimate destination" (a.k.a. death) but one of self-fulfillment.

Part of the transformation includes having others notice the positive changes I have made. The compliments I've received over the past week or so have done wonders for my self-esteem and my ego. But it's also made me realize the importance of passing it forward to others and that is where I need to make my next change. I have to learn to offer the same compliments to others. I don't mean simple lip-service to make others feel good but sharing genuine feedback, appreciation, and love for others.

There are times that I feel there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need or want to do but it's all good. There have been no wasted moments. There are still a few things I want to knock off the old to-do-list before the year is up and I'll be sure to share those moments with you all when the time comes. Until then I'll leave you with a few quotes that have moved me lately:

= "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." ~ Muhammad Ali

= “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze

= Dimidium facti qui coepit havet: sapere aude (He who has begun is half done: dare to know)

= Each day brings it's own miracles and disappointments. You just need the proper filters to see the good that's around you. =) (via @agsilver51 on twitter)

= If you are scared of failure, you will never succeed. (via @digitalspit on Twitter)

= Quotes are just quotes. When u apply it to ur life, then its wisdom. (via @iconic88 on Twitter)

Until next time, faithful reader......

A Peek Inside My Soul (or Opening Up Some More)

"In a world full of everything, there are still days where I feel I have nothing." - my tweet from Jun 17, 2009 @ 4:43PM

I hate to admit it but I'm starting to think this rainy weather has begun to take it's toll on me. I've been really moody lately and hadn't been able to put my finger on what was causing it. Little insignificant things have set me off. I've gotten angry really easily lately. I've gotten extremely ecstatic very quickly. I've also become quite melancholy at the drop of a dime. I am trying hard to keep my emotions in check but for this past week it has been a challenge at times. Maybe some sun will do me some good. Thankfully, my workouts have helped a little over the past few days.

I've been known to sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. I have slowly realized, over the years, that it is mainly because I don't know how to let my emotions out verbally. I often find myself tongue tied and don't know how to express myself. Some people have told me it's as simple as saying 'X', 'Y', and 'Z', but it isn't. Not for me, anyway.

If we ever share a moment where I express any gratitude, show appreciation for something you did or said, or I'm in the unfortunate circumstance to tell you how sorry I am for your loss... understand that it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I find it hard to find the right words to convey the message I have deep inside. The feeling is there but the words aren't always.

This blog of mine helps me get over this character flaw a little. There are no faces looking back at me. Although, I will see some of you in person, I feel like I can get away with saying some things here that I may not be able (or have the nerve) to say in person - whether it is meant for you directly or not.

Nevertheless, there are still some things that I will keep close to the vest. Things that are either too personal to share or that will violate someone else's privacy. I try hard to keep the focus on me in this blog. This is not out of some sense of narcissism. I just feel like the only person I can really sound off on, or open up about, with reckless abandon is myself.

I even have some blog entries that I have written than remain unpublished. These entries will stay unpublished for the immediate future. Posting them would be inappropriate until I actually talk to the individual(s) that the posts are about. Only then will I know whether it's ok to publish it for all the world to see, or not. Also, some of my unpublished entries were written as a form of catharsis. Writing about that experience/feeling/moment was simply an exercise in letting things out. Those entries are meant for my eyes only... for now. ;)

Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest...

At this time next week, I will be having fun under the bright lights of Las Vegas!!

I'm super excited and am looking forward to this trip! Not just because it gets me out of NYC (and this dreary weather) but it's one of the places I have been wanting to visit (did I remember to put that on my "to do list" blog entry a few months ago?). I always figured one day I would have the balls to actually enter into one of the WSOP tournaments and that would be at the heart of my Vegas trip. Now, it's all about leisure!

Preliminary plans include seeing Blue Man Group, dinner (and partying) at Tao, and getting a tan. Vegas weather forecasts for next week show sunny skies with highs in the low 100's and nighttime temps in the low 80's. It's a lot hotter than I would like but it's not going to keep me from enjoying myself.

If any of you have been there before and have any advice, suggestions, tips, etc. for things to do, places to see, etc., please comment.

I hope to get one more entry in before I leave for Vegas.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Last post of 2008: My Fitness Goals

This is the last post of 2008!!! (In case you didn't read the title... hahaha)

Thanks for those of you who've been following my journey thru the last few weeks. This blog has been a lot of fun to maintain (and to vent on). I hope the new year will bring many new memories that I will remember for years to come: new experiences, new places traveled to, reconnecting with old friends, and cherishing the times spent with those around me.

One of the things that has helped make the end of this year so special for me is seeing the results of my "hard work" as it relates to my health and fitness.

During the holiday season of 2007, I tipped the scales at 225 (roughly... it may have been more but that's the heaviest I ever actually saw on a scale). I didn't think anything of it but I knew I was the biggest I had been in my life. I knew any change would have to be gradual and I couldn't expect to drop 25 pounds in 5 weeks. I also felt like I didn't have much time to dedicate to the gym or to working out at home.

I made small changes early in the year. I had decided (around the early Spring) to stop snacking cold turkey. Any time I had an impulse to reach for a cookie, brownie, piece of cake, etc. that was lying around the house, I'd reach for something else. Other times I'd stop and consider whether I really wanted the snack or if it was merely a reflex reaction to seeing the snack nearby. I've stopped drinking soda years ago and replaced it with water so I knew that small changes such as these would benefit me greatly.

The next thing I did, in late spring, was buy a treadmill. I was afraid that it would become an oversized coat hanger but I have been putting it to use occasionally. Even if it was just to walk, I managed to get on it frequently enough that I got used to doing some physical activity in the house (this was a HUGE mental hurdle... definitely a good thing!!). I even started dreaming of running a marathon in two years (a reasonable goal). Now that may NEVER happen but at least I felt good having goals that seemed well within my reach if I chose to go for it.

I was finishing up my graduate studies in the first half of 2008 and didn't really dedicate any serious time to working out. I only made a slight change in diet (stopped snacking). I knew this was not going to be enough and by the time I finished my thesis in August, I weighed around 216-217. By September, I had time to go back to the gym on a regular basis (and actually USE the freaking membership to Bally's that I keep paying for every year!!), I noticed a rapid change in my physique and weight.

I have been harping on my weight in this post and want you to know that I'm aware that weight isn't the end all be all to personal fitness. I weighed around 150 lbs. from junior high school through the end of high school (I grew into my body... lol). My sedentary lifestyle 'earned' me an additional 15-20 pounds (maybe more?) after graduating from high school but I stayed at that new weight for some time. I was chubby but didn't feel unhealthy. Once I started lifting weights more consistently in my early to mid 20's, I gained a lot of muscle weight. So much so, in fact, that I hit 200 lbs. (much to my shock) for the first time in my life despite being trimmer in the waist than I had been in years. I was still chubby (lol) but I felt I was definitely better off. Yet any BMI reading would have told you I was bordering on "Morbid Obesity". Clearly, I wasn't. But I also haven't been below 200 pounds since.

This is what drives my "weight loss" efforts now. Before, I used to look at going to the gym was a means to an end goal: losing weight. I now see physical fitness as a lifestyle and not simply a single season of working out hardcore. It isn't about reaching a finish line but it is more about maintaining a consistent fitness level which will allow me to be healthier for the rest of my life. I no longer see a visit to the gym as a chore. It is simply one other thing for me to do in a week. If I happen to miss a day, I don't have the guilt I used to feel because my gym days are not tied in with a finite weight loss goal. Now those goals are tied in with my overall health. It is a long term plan now and not one that is meant to produce short term results.

I currently weigh 205-206. I joked with my friend Jorge the other day that I'm officially a light heavyweight by MMA weight classes!!

My ultimate goal is to reach 185 pounds by my birthday (early May). I won't be disappointed, however, if I have a leaner body without reaching that target number. I would like to keep dropping pounds but I don't know what my actually body mass is, so I need to be realistic about my goals. For all I know, 190 might be my lower limit and I won't be able to drop below that without being unhealthy.

No matter where I end up this spring 2009, I know I will be happy with who I have become. I know that the result of the work and effort I've put in these past months (and those upcoming) will reveal itself then. This isn't a resolution. This is a change in mentality, in motivation, and in my lifestyle. It's one that is meant to help me cope with a body that is slowing down due to the aging process. By no means am I breaking down any time soon but I do notice a change in how my body works now compared to 10 years ago.

I don't want to wait until a doctor mandates me to start a fitness regimen. I don't want to be in a severe accident before I realize how out of shape I am. I am being proactive and plan to maintain this for the rest of my life.

So this new year, though I may have a finite goal for my birthday, it's all about my health and my well-being: physical and mental!

I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year 2009!

Until next year, faithful reader...

Remember, remember the 5th of November

Now we have a reason to truly remember and reflect on this 5th of November, 2008.

Today is the first full day without any campaigning (finally!). The votes have been tallied and the American people have spoken. Barack Obama is our president-elect.

This day is not marked, so much, by his victory as it is by two major developments. We will no longer have the daily tit-for-tat campaign updates that divided our country in unprecedented ways over the past several months ("real" America? seriously?!?). The most important election of my lifetime is finally over. It is time to accept that Mr. Obama is our nation's next president and not merely the "North's president" or the "Coastal president". Republicans will have to swallow their pride and accept that they will have as little say in national government as the Democrats did during the majority of Dubya's 8 year reign ... ahem, presidency. Likewise, Democrats need to realize that, although proud of the achievement of the Obama campaign and his supporters nationwide, they will need to reach out to Republicans in the same way they reached out to the "undecided" voters. This needs to happen if we are to solve the problems that plague our nation.

The next development is the need to focus on the future. Not simply the future of Obama's political career but our future and that of our country. There are many problems that will be left in the White House (like the mess left by vengeful tenants that trash their co-ops after receiving an eviction notice) that need to be cleaned up before we can reasonably expect true change to happen. Heck, the clean-up will be a major change in and of itself. But there will be much work still left to be done.

Domestically, we have a damaged economy, families are losing their homes, tens of (if not hundreds of) thousands are currently without adequate healthcare, not to mention the HIV/AIDS epidemic still causing havok nationwide, and so on and so on. Internationally, we have a reputation that needs to be rebuilt, friendships that need to be mended, wars that need to end, and legitimate efforts to control terrorism need to be put into place (and not with actions based on faulty intel).

There is a lot of work to be done by Obama and the citizens of the U.S. But, today... today I rejoice. I celebrate the fact that a change is a-comin'. And for the rest of my life I will forever remember, remember the 5th of November, 2008.