Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)

Welcome back!! =)

Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.

I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."

There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).

I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.

This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.

It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.

I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)

Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......

The Fake Sound of Progress

Hello once again,

A brief explanation to my RaUM-nivores: I've been fairly quiet recently but not because I haven't actually written anything. I've been recording a lot of my 'random and unforced musings' but there are certain things that are for my eyes only. Lately, when I've put the digital pen to paper, it's been more for the sake of self-therapy than public consumption. I thank you for understanding the importance of that personal writing process for me.

With that said, I think this would be a good time to fill you in on my weight loss/fitness progress.

I'm willing to go so far as to say that I am in the best shape of my adult life right now. In terms of weight, I've been staying steady at 195 pounds. I'm not too upset about that since I know that I'm leaner now than I've been in quite some time. Admittedly, I don't put a lot of stock in weight per se. I think that is where many people go wrong when trying to "lose weight". They focus on this one dimension, this single measurement to track their progress: the number on the scale.

This is not to downplay the importance of weight. It is surely the most visible and easily noticed change when someone adopts a new diet and/or an exercise plan. However, it's not the only tool at a person's disposal. For example, I know I'm leaner. My stomach is not as pronounced as it was when I first started my journey to better fitness/health. In addition to weighing myself, I also measure my mid-section to track how much girth I'm losing. The decrease in the size of the belly (along with hips, legs, and other body parts you may wish to measure) is an excellent motivator and an easy way to double check your progress when the scale doesn't make it overly apparent.

Many people overlook the role of new muscle built when beginning an exercise plan. I haven't completely abandoned the gym but I've tried to keep things simple by doing basic exercises at home. I haven't bulked up tremendously but I have noticed an improvement in my physique as a result of both the weight loss and the slight increase in muscle mass. With these two factors combined, there is a 'canceling out' effect on the scale. For all the fat I'm burning with my cardio, I'm replacing it with new muscle. I won't be naive enough to say it's a 1-to-1 ratio but I do recognize that the likely reason for not dropping more weight once I got under 200 lbs is due to new muscle.

Does this mean someone is not progressing if the scale keeps giving the same read out for weeks? Absolutely not. You have to consider other factors. Measuring your body is one tool. Another significant and, in my opinion, often overlooked factor is how you feel. Has your mood improved? Is there an increase in self-esteem? Are you feeling a sense of accomplishment? If not, it is likely that you're being too hard on yourself or that you have unrealistic expectations that need to be tempered. I've been there before. Now, I'm pleased knowing that sometimes I will make quick and immediately noticeable progress and have learned to accept that sometimes it'll take baby steps to get to where I want to be physically. I no longer get frustrated because I know that I'm taking all the right steps to ultimately arrive at my desired goal.

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Personal milestone: I recently did 30 consecutive pushups. I probably could have done another 5-10 but had in my mind to complete 30 and stopped there. This is a significant milestone for me because prior to this year I was never able to do more than 15 pushups. Even when I managed to do 15 pushups, the last 3-4 were always a struggle and the jelly arms would kick in as I wobbled up and down the movement.

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My cousin Nelson flew in from Portugal this weekend and unfortunately only stayed in NYC for two days. I haven't seen him in about 2 years and I love when he visits. When we see each other it's as if we has seen each other just a few days before. The beauty of this trip was that it was the first time his wife has been in NYC. I have not had the honor or privilege of meeting her until now. She is very chill, down to earth, and has a good sense of humor. If she hadn't already been married to my cousin I'd would have hit on her. haha. ;)

I had a great time with them (and everyone else) last night at the family gathering. I offered to take them to the airport this morning for their flight to the west coast and had a nice convo with them during the car ride. I hate to see them go so soon but it gave me additional motivation to get my act together and visit them in Portugal soon.

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With that, I bid you adieu for now!
Until next time, faithful reader......

Last post of 2008: My Fitness Goals

This is the last post of 2008!!! (In case you didn't read the title... hahaha)

Thanks for those of you who've been following my journey thru the last few weeks. This blog has been a lot of fun to maintain (and to vent on). I hope the new year will bring many new memories that I will remember for years to come: new experiences, new places traveled to, reconnecting with old friends, and cherishing the times spent with those around me.

One of the things that has helped make the end of this year so special for me is seeing the results of my "hard work" as it relates to my health and fitness.

During the holiday season of 2007, I tipped the scales at 225 (roughly... it may have been more but that's the heaviest I ever actually saw on a scale). I didn't think anything of it but I knew I was the biggest I had been in my life. I knew any change would have to be gradual and I couldn't expect to drop 25 pounds in 5 weeks. I also felt like I didn't have much time to dedicate to the gym or to working out at home.

I made small changes early in the year. I had decided (around the early Spring) to stop snacking cold turkey. Any time I had an impulse to reach for a cookie, brownie, piece of cake, etc. that was lying around the house, I'd reach for something else. Other times I'd stop and consider whether I really wanted the snack or if it was merely a reflex reaction to seeing the snack nearby. I've stopped drinking soda years ago and replaced it with water so I knew that small changes such as these would benefit me greatly.

The next thing I did, in late spring, was buy a treadmill. I was afraid that it would become an oversized coat hanger but I have been putting it to use occasionally. Even if it was just to walk, I managed to get on it frequently enough that I got used to doing some physical activity in the house (this was a HUGE mental hurdle... definitely a good thing!!). I even started dreaming of running a marathon in two years (a reasonable goal). Now that may NEVER happen but at least I felt good having goals that seemed well within my reach if I chose to go for it.

I was finishing up my graduate studies in the first half of 2008 and didn't really dedicate any serious time to working out. I only made a slight change in diet (stopped snacking). I knew this was not going to be enough and by the time I finished my thesis in August, I weighed around 216-217. By September, I had time to go back to the gym on a regular basis (and actually USE the freaking membership to Bally's that I keep paying for every year!!), I noticed a rapid change in my physique and weight.

I have been harping on my weight in this post and want you to know that I'm aware that weight isn't the end all be all to personal fitness. I weighed around 150 lbs. from junior high school through the end of high school (I grew into my body... lol). My sedentary lifestyle 'earned' me an additional 15-20 pounds (maybe more?) after graduating from high school but I stayed at that new weight for some time. I was chubby but didn't feel unhealthy. Once I started lifting weights more consistently in my early to mid 20's, I gained a lot of muscle weight. So much so, in fact, that I hit 200 lbs. (much to my shock) for the first time in my life despite being trimmer in the waist than I had been in years. I was still chubby (lol) but I felt I was definitely better off. Yet any BMI reading would have told you I was bordering on "Morbid Obesity". Clearly, I wasn't. But I also haven't been below 200 pounds since.

This is what drives my "weight loss" efforts now. Before, I used to look at going to the gym was a means to an end goal: losing weight. I now see physical fitness as a lifestyle and not simply a single season of working out hardcore. It isn't about reaching a finish line but it is more about maintaining a consistent fitness level which will allow me to be healthier for the rest of my life. I no longer see a visit to the gym as a chore. It is simply one other thing for me to do in a week. If I happen to miss a day, I don't have the guilt I used to feel because my gym days are not tied in with a finite weight loss goal. Now those goals are tied in with my overall health. It is a long term plan now and not one that is meant to produce short term results.

I currently weigh 205-206. I joked with my friend Jorge the other day that I'm officially a light heavyweight by MMA weight classes!!

My ultimate goal is to reach 185 pounds by my birthday (early May). I won't be disappointed, however, if I have a leaner body without reaching that target number. I would like to keep dropping pounds but I don't know what my actually body mass is, so I need to be realistic about my goals. For all I know, 190 might be my lower limit and I won't be able to drop below that without being unhealthy.

No matter where I end up this spring 2009, I know I will be happy with who I have become. I know that the result of the work and effort I've put in these past months (and those upcoming) will reveal itself then. This isn't a resolution. This is a change in mentality, in motivation, and in my lifestyle. It's one that is meant to help me cope with a body that is slowing down due to the aging process. By no means am I breaking down any time soon but I do notice a change in how my body works now compared to 10 years ago.

I don't want to wait until a doctor mandates me to start a fitness regimen. I don't want to be in a severe accident before I realize how out of shape I am. I am being proactive and plan to maintain this for the rest of my life.

So this new year, though I may have a finite goal for my birthday, it's all about my health and my well-being: physical and mental!

I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year 2009!

Until next year, faithful reader...