My Light Bulb Moment (or Consider It a 2011 Resolution)

Welcome back!!

It's no coincidence that the time spent on this blog decreased dramatically when I started going out with my girlfriend last spring.

I found it hard to be open and honest on the blog while simultaneously trying to remain guarded and not open up "too soon" with her at the start of the relationship.

Why the sudden change now? Am I single?? No. No. It's nothing of the sort.

I just realized what this blog meant to me and my sanity. My mental health has taken a toll lately by keeping a lot of my "random" thoughts in my head. Purging my brian of these thoughts that have weighed heavy on my conscience has been cathartic. I've been depriving myself of the opportunity to be less stressed, less overwhelmed, and less helpless for the better part of 2010, which was a challenging year. I refuse to let that happen in 2011.

Those closest to me know that I am not one to open up or share my emotions/feelings very easily. That's what makes this blog rather unique. I don't really hold much back when writing here. There is something inherently impersonal in blogging that makes it easier to write whatever I feel without censoring the content. I do happen to know some of you that visit here, whether it's occassionally or immediately after every post. For the most part, I consider my "audience" to be anonymous. I admit there are times when I want to know EVERYONE that reads this blog. Nevertheless, I truly enjoy writing for the unknown readers (including the future me).

This time away has also forced me to accept something that is probably obvious to most folks. When in a relationship, you cannot force your significant other to like the person you want to be, or the person you try to be around them. They need to accept you for who you are. For better or worse, this blog is an extension of me and maybe even a bigger piece of who I am than I care to admit. After all, a lot of who I am is left in every entry of this blog.

I kept myself from writing much in 2010. That will change going forward. It's not as if I have anything to hide. ;)

For your continued readership and patience throughout 2010, I thank you.
For those of you new to RaUM, I hope you enjoy the sneak peeks into my life.

Until next time, faithful reader......

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Addendum (2 hours after posting):
For the record, those who know me well (and that is a very short list, folks) know that I don't share my emotions/feelings very well in the "real world". Blame it on my troubled childhood or poor social skills as a youth. Perhaps, it was never learning how to deal with rejection or never understanding how to accept that life can be fucked up sometimes.

That being said, I want to be clear that the issue with the gf and my blogging had to do with my perception of how she might (or might not) react to things I had to write about. I can be very self-conscious about what I post sometimes (believe it or not!) which can make me more sensitive to any potential feedback I might get from those close to me. I hope you didn't think I was using her as a scapegoat.

Karaoke Obsession

Welcome back,

Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!

Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.

When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.

Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P

I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.

The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!

I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.

To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.

Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':

Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins

Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)

Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots

Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis

Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words

If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.

This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Venting and Reflecting (or Getting Something Off My Chest)

[Note: For those of you who read my "A Peek Inside My Soul" post from a few weeks ago, consider this a follow-up post.]

I need to get this off my chest. Bear with me as I open up a little...

There have been times this year where I would become insanely furious with my ex-fiancé. I didn't understand why. I knew I was angry at her and thought it would be better to stay quiet. I wasn't exactly sure what it was that set me off each of those times. I had pieces of the puzzle but I think I now have a clear picture as to what I was feeling.

Ultimately, I can't shake the feeling that we wasted time being together. Not for the duration of the relationship but for the latter part of it. It could be due, partly, to convenience since we lived together and we got along just fine so cohabiting was easy. Part of it is also the convenience of simply being together. There's a saying in Spanish "el costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor" (a roughly translation of the idiom could read "routine is stronger than love"). I think that's what happened to us.

What actually caused us to 'fall out of love' is likely different for us both though I feel like I was the only one willing to speak up about our situation. And we DID try to make it work for a little while but I sensed it was probably too late. I didn't feel like there was any real effort on her part to make things work. I stopped trying to force things work. I succumbed to the inevitable and suggested we break up.

As I mentioned months ago, the feeling was mutual. Ultimately, our decision to split was based on the premise that we were both unhappy. The split would allow us to move on and find our own happiness. We still get along great and I'm glad (and admittedly a bit relieved) that she's moved on.

So why is it then that I have had these moments of bitterness, anger, and regret? It's because there is a part of me that feels I wasted time being with her. What really gnaws at me is being stuck with wondering whether I lost months or years staying with her for as long as I did.

When DID she start 'losing that loving feeling'? Why didn't she say anything to me if she sensed any trouble? The more I think about these things the more I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel bad feeling that way but it's hard to shake that thought.

I'm willing to bet she doesn't know why, or when she knew, the love was gone. These aren't the types of feelings that are tied in to one occasion or specific event. It's a process that occurs over an extended period of time and slowly erodes the foundation of a relationship. I'm not completely innocent and I'm sure I helped contribute to it in some way.

I am not posting this to simply air out my dirty laundry or to reveal some emotional vulnerability. Putting this on paper helps me process my thoughts and allows me to sort things out. I can say with the same certainty as I said it back in the winter, I'm ready to move on and, looking back on things, I wish the break-up had happened sooner.

['Broken record' warning!!] Throughout my life, I was never really comfortable being single. In the past, it was due to insecurities and low self-esteem. Now, I don't feel like I know what to do. I was never good at flirting and don't feel like I would even be able to do it effectively. Also, I'm "socially stupid" when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don't pick up on signals, signs, etc. from women so I don't even know if I'd be able to recognize when someone is interested in me unless she was blatant about her interest. Ultimately, the relationships will come in due time and I'm in no hurry - even though there are times where I feel like the sands in my hourglass are running out.

My primary focus this year has been enjoying my life. There's so much I haven't done, places I haven't seen, people to reconnect with, and once-in-a-lifetime experiences to revel in. My long-time friends have taken to calling me "Alan 2.0" because of how much I've changed in the past few years. I'm more carefree and I make time to go out more. I may not have made the most of my life to date but, in some ways, I am making up for lost time. I don't want any regrets when I look back on my life.

After all, isn't that what it's all about in the end? Live and enjoy life, ladies and gents! Don't settle for less than you feel you deserve.

Until next time, faithful reader......

A Peek Inside My Soul (or Opening Up Some More)

"In a world full of everything, there are still days where I feel I have nothing." - my tweet from Jun 17, 2009 @ 4:43PM

I hate to admit it but I'm starting to think this rainy weather has begun to take it's toll on me. I've been really moody lately and hadn't been able to put my finger on what was causing it. Little insignificant things have set me off. I've gotten angry really easily lately. I've gotten extremely ecstatic very quickly. I've also become quite melancholy at the drop of a dime. I am trying hard to keep my emotions in check but for this past week it has been a challenge at times. Maybe some sun will do me some good. Thankfully, my workouts have helped a little over the past few days.

I've been known to sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. I have slowly realized, over the years, that it is mainly because I don't know how to let my emotions out verbally. I often find myself tongue tied and don't know how to express myself. Some people have told me it's as simple as saying 'X', 'Y', and 'Z', but it isn't. Not for me, anyway.

If we ever share a moment where I express any gratitude, show appreciation for something you did or said, or I'm in the unfortunate circumstance to tell you how sorry I am for your loss... understand that it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I find it hard to find the right words to convey the message I have deep inside. The feeling is there but the words aren't always.

This blog of mine helps me get over this character flaw a little. There are no faces looking back at me. Although, I will see some of you in person, I feel like I can get away with saying some things here that I may not be able (or have the nerve) to say in person - whether it is meant for you directly or not.

Nevertheless, there are still some things that I will keep close to the vest. Things that are either too personal to share or that will violate someone else's privacy. I try hard to keep the focus on me in this blog. This is not out of some sense of narcissism. I just feel like the only person I can really sound off on, or open up about, with reckless abandon is myself.

I even have some blog entries that I have written than remain unpublished. These entries will stay unpublished for the immediate future. Posting them would be inappropriate until I actually talk to the individual(s) that the posts are about. Only then will I know whether it's ok to publish it for all the world to see, or not. Also, some of my unpublished entries were written as a form of catharsis. Writing about that experience/feeling/moment was simply an exercise in letting things out. Those entries are meant for my eyes only... for now. ;)

Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest...

At this time next week, I will be having fun under the bright lights of Las Vegas!!

I'm super excited and am looking forward to this trip! Not just because it gets me out of NYC (and this dreary weather) but it's one of the places I have been wanting to visit (did I remember to put that on my "to do list" blog entry a few months ago?). I always figured one day I would have the balls to actually enter into one of the WSOP tournaments and that would be at the heart of my Vegas trip. Now, it's all about leisure!

Preliminary plans include seeing Blue Man Group, dinner (and partying) at Tao, and getting a tan. Vegas weather forecasts for next week show sunny skies with highs in the low 100's and nighttime temps in the low 80's. It's a lot hotter than I would like but it's not going to keep me from enjoying myself.

If any of you have been there before and have any advice, suggestions, tips, etc. for things to do, places to see, etc., please comment.

I hope to get one more entry in before I leave for Vegas.

Until next time, faithful reader......