Welcome back!!
It's no coincidence that the time spent on this blog decreased dramatically when I started going out with my girlfriend last spring.
I found it hard to be open and honest on the blog while simultaneously trying to remain guarded and not open up "too soon" with her at the start of the relationship.
Why the sudden change now? Am I single?? No. No. It's nothing of the sort.
I just realized what this blog meant to me and my sanity. My mental health has taken a toll lately by keeping a lot of my "random" thoughts in my head. Purging my brian of these thoughts that have weighed heavy on my conscience has been cathartic. I've been depriving myself of the opportunity to be less stressed, less overwhelmed, and less helpless for the better part of 2010, which was a challenging year. I refuse to let that happen in 2011.
Those closest to me know that I am not one to open up or share my emotions/feelings very easily. That's what makes this blog rather unique. I don't really hold much back when writing here. There is something inherently impersonal in blogging that makes it easier to write whatever I feel without censoring the content. I do happen to know some of you that visit here, whether it's occassionally or immediately after every post. For the most part, I consider my "audience" to be anonymous. I admit there are times when I want to know EVERYONE that reads this blog. Nevertheless, I truly enjoy writing for the unknown readers (including the future me).
This time away has also forced me to accept something that is probably obvious to most folks. When in a relationship, you cannot force your significant other to like the person you want to be, or the person you try to be around them. They need to accept you for who you are. For better or worse, this blog is an extension of me and maybe even a bigger piece of who I am than I care to admit. After all, a lot of who I am is left in every entry of this blog.
I kept myself from writing much in 2010. That will change going forward. It's not as if I have anything to hide. ;)
For your continued readership and patience throughout 2010, I thank you.
For those of you new to RaUM, I hope you enjoy the sneak peeks into my life.
Until next time, faithful reader......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum (2 hours after posting):
For the record, those who know me well (and that is a very short list, folks) know that I don't share my emotions/feelings very well in the "real world". Blame it on my troubled childhood or poor social skills as a youth. Perhaps, it was never learning how to deal with rejection or never understanding how to accept that life can be fucked up sometimes.
That being said, I want to be clear that the issue with the gf and my blogging had to do with my perception of how she might (or might not) react to things I had to write about. I can be very self-conscious about what I post sometimes (believe it or not!) which can make me more sensitive to any potential feedback I might get from those close to me. I hope you didn't think I was using her as a scapegoat.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Envy (or Why Can't I Keep It Together)
Welcome back,
Sorry to return on such a somber tone but... here goes.
It's at moments like these that I find myself at my most weakest. Not physically but emotionally. When I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I lose control of my emotions and my vulnerabilities seep through the surface...
I cried today... I cried at not having a father. It's not as if he's dead or if I didn't know him while growing up. It's quite the contrary. He's very much alive and he has had an impact on my life. The problem is that the impact was mostly negative. When I became an adult (the magical age of 18 when the law determines you're no longer a minor), I decided to live my life in a way that was opposite to the example he set for me. I credited him with teaching me how to be a man by showing me what NOT to do. But I realize now, many years later, I still have a lot of work to do.
I sit here weeping as I realize that I may have ended up more emotionally stable had he actually died when I was young. Or if only he had decided to leave my mom instead of staying and slowly inflicting the damage he did to me, my mom, and my sister, like a deadly cancer. Instead, I sit here, with tears streaming down my face as I type this, envying those around me who have a father they respect, and love, and can turn to in times of need. I hate them... well, that's not entirely true nor is it fair. I hate that they have the luxury of having a good man, or even just a decent one, at their disposal.
I need someone to turn to. I need to feel safe. I need a rock to lean on. I need the wisdom that only comes with age. I need a father. Just not the one I have.
I don't typically cry. But lately I've found it comes really easily to me. I want to do so much more for those I love but feel handcuffed by my financial circumstances. Although money isn't everything (this isn't a cliché thrown in for effect... it truly isn't) I can't help but look at the situation we're in and recognize that we'd all have a little more piece of mind if we just had a little financial comfort. Instead, we claw and scratch and scrape together what we can to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I just want to live.
I want to enjoy life without wondering if my bills will get paid. Wondering if I'll have an apartment to live in next month. Wondering if I can get through the week. Wondering if I'll have food in the kitchen to cook a meal tonight. Wondering if I'll regain my sanity soon. Wondering what will drive me further down this hole next.
I want my dad. I need my dad. Shit... at this point, I'll take any dad. But only one will do. And that man doesn't exist. He never did.
Thanks for sticking with me, faithful reader.
Until next time......
Sorry to return on such a somber tone but... here goes.
It's at moments like these that I find myself at my most weakest. Not physically but emotionally. When I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I lose control of my emotions and my vulnerabilities seep through the surface...
I cried today... I cried at not having a father. It's not as if he's dead or if I didn't know him while growing up. It's quite the contrary. He's very much alive and he has had an impact on my life. The problem is that the impact was mostly negative. When I became an adult (the magical age of 18 when the law determines you're no longer a minor), I decided to live my life in a way that was opposite to the example he set for me. I credited him with teaching me how to be a man by showing me what NOT to do. But I realize now, many years later, I still have a lot of work to do.
I sit here weeping as I realize that I may have ended up more emotionally stable had he actually died when I was young. Or if only he had decided to leave my mom instead of staying and slowly inflicting the damage he did to me, my mom, and my sister, like a deadly cancer. Instead, I sit here, with tears streaming down my face as I type this, envying those around me who have a father they respect, and love, and can turn to in times of need. I hate them... well, that's not entirely true nor is it fair. I hate that they have the luxury of having a good man, or even just a decent one, at their disposal.
I need someone to turn to. I need to feel safe. I need a rock to lean on. I need the wisdom that only comes with age. I need a father. Just not the one I have.
I don't typically cry. But lately I've found it comes really easily to me. I want to do so much more for those I love but feel handcuffed by my financial circumstances. Although money isn't everything (this isn't a cliché thrown in for effect... it truly isn't) I can't help but look at the situation we're in and recognize that we'd all have a little more piece of mind if we just had a little financial comfort. Instead, we claw and scratch and scrape together what we can to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I just want to live.
I want to enjoy life without wondering if my bills will get paid. Wondering if I'll have an apartment to live in next month. Wondering if I can get through the week. Wondering if I'll have food in the kitchen to cook a meal tonight. Wondering if I'll regain my sanity soon. Wondering what will drive me further down this hole next.
I want my dad. I need my dad. Shit... at this point, I'll take any dad. But only one will do. And that man doesn't exist. He never did.
Thanks for sticking with me, faithful reader.
Until next time......
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I Ain’t ‘Fraid of No Ghost (or One Semi-Sleepless Night)
Now, bugs, on the other hand… they creep me the fuck out.
I cannot avoid the skin crawling sensation every time I see any type of insect, arachnid, or other bug-like vermin. Even when going to kill said pest, I have to take a moment to muster my courage and approach the creature without reacting in a way that will betray my stance of dominance (according to the hierarchy of the animal kingdom). Once the deed is done I feel a sense of relief but it’s the anxious moments during the standoff that I dread. The waning moments of the insect’s short life versus the nervous tension I have built inside of me creates a moment in time not unlike the high noon showdowns of the Wild West.
What the hell does this have to do with ghosts you ask? Well, unless you want to consider the spirit of the deceased bug… then nothing really. I just needed a catchy title. LOL.
But one night a few weeks ago, I had an encounter with a bug that didn’t end the way I would have liked and it still haunts me even to this day. (You like what I did there? “haunt”… ahem… never mind)
I was lying in bed on a very humid night. I felt something brush across my face and thought it might be a random hair left by my girlfriend on my pillow. I quickly realized it wasn’t a hair and I bolted out of bed to turn on the light. In the few seconds as I moved to the light source, I brushed my face repeatedly as if I had a swarm of bugs on my face as opposed to just one tiny little creature.
I caught sight of the bug flying around and it looked like a cross between a small spider, a fly and a mosquito. It had the long, thin wiry legs of a mosquito or one of those light, 6-legged house spiders and the body of a very small fly. I think had it just been a mosquito, or a small spider, I would have been able to cope with the situation much better. But it was this unique hybrid of a bug that left me disoriented and emotionally rattled. As it flew around my bedroom, I couldn’t help but squirm and squeal like a small child that has come face-to-face with his greatest fear. Eventually, I managed to compose myself long enough to see the bug fly out of my bedroom.
What made this encounter more striking was the realization that I have NEVER had a bug in my apartment in my short time here. I found it strange and was wondering how one made it inside. I’m always careful to close the screen doors on my windows. Maybe it was my girlfriend who has a habit of opening all my blinds (to let in natural light) and open windows (to get some fresh air in my apartment). It couldn’t have been my fault this little fucker was flying around my apartment causing me to lose sleep. It was about 3 in the morning when it landed on my face.
Needless to say, this meant war. I had to kill this bug so I could have piece of mind. I wouldn’t be able to relax and have the adrenaline rush wear off until the deed was done. With vengeance on my mind, I pursued my prey into the living room. I grabbed a Crate & Barrel catalog that I had been meaning to throw out and roll it up as my weapon of choice. I spied the creature as it rested on my off-white walls. Its light brown body contrasted strongly against the wall making it an easy target for my wrath.
I raised my hand, weapon at the ready, and smacked the wall. SWAT!!
As I drew back my hand to view the impending clean-up job on the wall, a wave of dread washed over me. There was no trace of bug innards on my wall. This realization was coupled with an angry fly-by across my line of sight by the offending bug. I was so sure I had hit the little fucker, how did it not die?? I must have made contact since the creature seemed to have some difficulty flying around. This was a great sign and I was out for blood. There was just one problem.
My apartment has hardwood floors. The dark wood made for perfect camouflage for the bug that was now struggling to survive. I didn’t know how hurt it was but I knew at the very least it was stunned. But I wanted it dead. That would be the only way I could go to sleep. I had already wasted about a half hour stalking this little creature and refused to lose any more precious time for sleeping. I decided to be patient. Eventually, it would fly high enough for me to strike the death blow and go to sleep. I sat on my futon waiting for the moment it would reappear.
And reappear it did. The only problem was I wasn’t ready for it. My eyelids were getting heavier and I decided to turn on the TV after 10 minutes of waiting. When I saw the bug again, I was distracted, had put down the C&B catalog, and pretty much had forgotten about the bug. I freaked out as it was now flying close to and landed on my leg. I bolted off the futon trying to gather myself for the next offensive attack on this creature. But just like before it disappeared out of sight.
This went on for another hour or so with some variations in where I sat (on the small couch, at the dining table, on the futon again) and how focused I was (I had a stretch of 15 minutes where I meticulously scanned the floor).
Once the adrenaline wore off and I hadn’t seen the bug for 20 minutes, I decided I wasted enough time trying to kill this thing. I’d try again in the morning but I had lost too much sleep and was more annoyed than anything. I closed the bedroom door (first time I had to do this at this apartment) and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of the bug. I also realized very quickly that it was my own fault that any creatures had come into the apartment in the first place. Earlier the previous day, there was rain in the forecast and I had closed all my windows. Because of the high temperature and humidity, the apartment got stuffy very quickly so I reopened some of the windows. I had left the small screen door open on one of the windows.
So, what’s the moral of the story here? If you’re going to something (anything!), be sure to do it right the first time. Whether it’s closing/opening a window, or trying to kill a pesky bedroom invader intent on disrupting your sleep.
Until next time, faithful reader……
I cannot avoid the skin crawling sensation every time I see any type of insect, arachnid, or other bug-like vermin. Even when going to kill said pest, I have to take a moment to muster my courage and approach the creature without reacting in a way that will betray my stance of dominance (according to the hierarchy of the animal kingdom). Once the deed is done I feel a sense of relief but it’s the anxious moments during the standoff that I dread. The waning moments of the insect’s short life versus the nervous tension I have built inside of me creates a moment in time not unlike the high noon showdowns of the Wild West.
What the hell does this have to do with ghosts you ask? Well, unless you want to consider the spirit of the deceased bug… then nothing really. I just needed a catchy title. LOL.
But one night a few weeks ago, I had an encounter with a bug that didn’t end the way I would have liked and it still haunts me even to this day. (You like what I did there? “haunt”… ahem… never mind)
I was lying in bed on a very humid night. I felt something brush across my face and thought it might be a random hair left by my girlfriend on my pillow. I quickly realized it wasn’t a hair and I bolted out of bed to turn on the light. In the few seconds as I moved to the light source, I brushed my face repeatedly as if I had a swarm of bugs on my face as opposed to just one tiny little creature.
I caught sight of the bug flying around and it looked like a cross between a small spider, a fly and a mosquito. It had the long, thin wiry legs of a mosquito or one of those light, 6-legged house spiders and the body of a very small fly. I think had it just been a mosquito, or a small spider, I would have been able to cope with the situation much better. But it was this unique hybrid of a bug that left me disoriented and emotionally rattled. As it flew around my bedroom, I couldn’t help but squirm and squeal like a small child that has come face-to-face with his greatest fear. Eventually, I managed to compose myself long enough to see the bug fly out of my bedroom.
What made this encounter more striking was the realization that I have NEVER had a bug in my apartment in my short time here. I found it strange and was wondering how one made it inside. I’m always careful to close the screen doors on my windows. Maybe it was my girlfriend who has a habit of opening all my blinds (to let in natural light) and open windows (to get some fresh air in my apartment). It couldn’t have been my fault this little fucker was flying around my apartment causing me to lose sleep. It was about 3 in the morning when it landed on my face.
Needless to say, this meant war. I had to kill this bug so I could have piece of mind. I wouldn’t be able to relax and have the adrenaline rush wear off until the deed was done. With vengeance on my mind, I pursued my prey into the living room. I grabbed a Crate & Barrel catalog that I had been meaning to throw out and roll it up as my weapon of choice. I spied the creature as it rested on my off-white walls. Its light brown body contrasted strongly against the wall making it an easy target for my wrath.
I raised my hand, weapon at the ready, and smacked the wall. SWAT!!
As I drew back my hand to view the impending clean-up job on the wall, a wave of dread washed over me. There was no trace of bug innards on my wall. This realization was coupled with an angry fly-by across my line of sight by the offending bug. I was so sure I had hit the little fucker, how did it not die?? I must have made contact since the creature seemed to have some difficulty flying around. This was a great sign and I was out for blood. There was just one problem.
My apartment has hardwood floors. The dark wood made for perfect camouflage for the bug that was now struggling to survive. I didn’t know how hurt it was but I knew at the very least it was stunned. But I wanted it dead. That would be the only way I could go to sleep. I had already wasted about a half hour stalking this little creature and refused to lose any more precious time for sleeping. I decided to be patient. Eventually, it would fly high enough for me to strike the death blow and go to sleep. I sat on my futon waiting for the moment it would reappear.
And reappear it did. The only problem was I wasn’t ready for it. My eyelids were getting heavier and I decided to turn on the TV after 10 minutes of waiting. When I saw the bug again, I was distracted, had put down the C&B catalog, and pretty much had forgotten about the bug. I freaked out as it was now flying close to and landed on my leg. I bolted off the futon trying to gather myself for the next offensive attack on this creature. But just like before it disappeared out of sight.
This went on for another hour or so with some variations in where I sat (on the small couch, at the dining table, on the futon again) and how focused I was (I had a stretch of 15 minutes where I meticulously scanned the floor).
Once the adrenaline wore off and I hadn’t seen the bug for 20 minutes, I decided I wasted enough time trying to kill this thing. I’d try again in the morning but I had lost too much sleep and was more annoyed than anything. I closed the bedroom door (first time I had to do this at this apartment) and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of the bug. I also realized very quickly that it was my own fault that any creatures had come into the apartment in the first place. Earlier the previous day, there was rain in the forecast and I had closed all my windows. Because of the high temperature and humidity, the apartment got stuffy very quickly so I reopened some of the windows. I had left the small screen door open on one of the windows.
So, what’s the moral of the story here? If you’re going to something (anything!), be sure to do it right the first time. Whether it’s closing/opening a window, or trying to kill a pesky bedroom invader intent on disrupting your sleep.
Until next time, faithful reader……
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Lesson Learned?
I have been slowly unpacking a lot of my boxes. I have too much stuff and no where to put it. But I decided that I should go through some of these boxes to see what I can throw out (or sell on eBay and craigslist).
In one pile of old papers and notebooks I found some assignments I did back in junior high school. Among that pile o' junk I found Christmas cards I had gotten in the 7th grade. There was an envelope with a present drawn on it, meticulously colored in, and with the word "SUPRISE!" on the ribbon tied on the drawn gift box.
Inside the envelope was a nice card, presumably coming from a box of 15 other cards with similar designs and styles. From inside the card, out came a folded up note. The note was written in that neat penmanship - the kind of handwriting most girls seem to have in junior high school - on a small pink Hello Kitty notepad paper with tiny hearts along the top (where, incidentally, my name was spelled out with each letter inside it's own tiny heart).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alan,
You were right I do have some questions I'd like you to answer (You dont have to answer the questions if you dont want to but you do have to answer)
1) If you do like me wouldn't you want to know more about me? (If you want me to like you I would like to know more about you)
2) Why do you like me? (I know they are stupid questions but I have to get them out of my head)
P.S. Please answer them in a really answer if you know what I mean
P.P.S. Please write (or call) back
Love
S-----"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself experiencing many mixed emotions as I processed what I had just read. This note was written almost 20 years ago. Why did I keep this card (and all my JHS junk) all this time? Why did this card/note re-appear in my life at this precise moment? What can I learn from this?
-- I was amused by how she told me I didn't have to answer... but I had to answer. =)
-- I have always claimed to be signal stupid and not someone who could gauge interest from women in my past. However, in hindsight, had I paid attention to what this girl was telling me in this note, my love life could have been different. Sometimes people want to know more about you because they find you interesting or are simply fishing for information. But it could also be that they might actually like you... not that this is the ONLY indicator but thinking back on moments in my life, I could have avoided confusion and missed opportunities had I learned this little lesson back in the 7th grade.
-- Why did I like her? An important question. Was it simply a physical attraction? Were there personality traits that drew me to her? These are not trivial details... but why DID I like her??...
-- The sad thing about this note is that I don't remember this girl. She isn't in my 8th grade yearbook (trust me, she isn't there. I checked... twice!) which means she probably switched schools at some point. *sigh* Yet another one of my JHS crushes abruptly exiting my life.
-- Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I honestly cannot remember why... I don't think I ever answered this note. Is it possible I was a snob back then and was turned off by the fact she couldn't spell 'surprise' on the front of the card?? Did I get the card before the winter break and forgot all about the note by the time we came back to school?
-- The important thing about this note, for her, was that it gave her a chance to clean out the clutter from her head. I've realized this past holiday weekend that the clutter in my apartment isn't the only mess I'm dealing with. There is something I've been wrestling with lately and I'm using the emergence of this note as a catalyst for giving myself some piece of mind...
I've said it before and I'll say it again now: I'm a firm believer that coincidences aren't mere accidents. They occur in our lives for a purpose. We just need to be receptive to the reasons for these 'coincidences'. I don't claim to know why this happened to me now at this point in my life, but I do know it opened my eyes to something I should have taken care of a while ago.
Until next time, faithful reader......
In one pile of old papers and notebooks I found some assignments I did back in junior high school. Among that pile o' junk I found Christmas cards I had gotten in the 7th grade. There was an envelope with a present drawn on it, meticulously colored in, and with the word "SUPRISE!" on the ribbon tied on the drawn gift box.
Inside the envelope was a nice card, presumably coming from a box of 15 other cards with similar designs and styles. From inside the card, out came a folded up note. The note was written in that neat penmanship - the kind of handwriting most girls seem to have in junior high school - on a small pink Hello Kitty notepad paper with tiny hearts along the top (where, incidentally, my name was spelled out with each letter inside it's own tiny heart).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alan,
You were right I do have some questions I'd like you to answer (You dont have to answer the questions if you dont want to but you do have to answer)
1) If you do like me wouldn't you want to know more about me? (If you want me to like you I would like to know more about you)
2) Why do you like me? (I know they are stupid questions but I have to get them out of my head)
P.S. Please answer them in a really answer if you know what I mean
P.P.S. Please write (or call) back
Love
S-----"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself experiencing many mixed emotions as I processed what I had just read. This note was written almost 20 years ago. Why did I keep this card (and all my JHS junk) all this time? Why did this card/note re-appear in my life at this precise moment? What can I learn from this?
-- I was amused by how she told me I didn't have to answer... but I had to answer. =)
-- I have always claimed to be signal stupid and not someone who could gauge interest from women in my past. However, in hindsight, had I paid attention to what this girl was telling me in this note, my love life could have been different. Sometimes people want to know more about you because they find you interesting or are simply fishing for information. But it could also be that they might actually like you... not that this is the ONLY indicator but thinking back on moments in my life, I could have avoided confusion and missed opportunities had I learned this little lesson back in the 7th grade.
-- Why did I like her? An important question. Was it simply a physical attraction? Were there personality traits that drew me to her? These are not trivial details... but why DID I like her??...
-- The sad thing about this note is that I don't remember this girl. She isn't in my 8th grade yearbook (trust me, she isn't there. I checked... twice!) which means she probably switched schools at some point. *sigh* Yet another one of my JHS crushes abruptly exiting my life.
-- Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I honestly cannot remember why... I don't think I ever answered this note. Is it possible I was a snob back then and was turned off by the fact she couldn't spell 'surprise' on the front of the card?? Did I get the card before the winter break and forgot all about the note by the time we came back to school?
-- The important thing about this note, for her, was that it gave her a chance to clean out the clutter from her head. I've realized this past holiday weekend that the clutter in my apartment isn't the only mess I'm dealing with. There is something I've been wrestling with lately and I'm using the emergence of this note as a catalyst for giving myself some piece of mind...
I've said it before and I'll say it again now: I'm a firm believer that coincidences aren't mere accidents. They occur in our lives for a purpose. We just need to be receptive to the reasons for these 'coincidences'. I don't claim to know why this happened to me now at this point in my life, but I do know it opened my eyes to something I should have taken care of a while ago.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Who Am I and What Have I Done With Alan?
Hi there,
I'm smiling on the inside. It's not just a smirk or a grin but a full on ear-to-ear, Cheshire cat smile. I still can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I'm enveloped in an amorphous cloud of positivity and it's merely a harbinger of more great things yet to come for me. My life is moving in a positive direction and I feel more liberated from my former self. My attitude adjustment from the start of the year has been bearing fruit all year and things have only gotten better for me.
I suspect some of my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing the status updates with quotes and affirmations, etc. It's a reflection of who I am now... and I won't change it for anything. I love my life right now. Even though it is far from perfect, it's progressing in ways that I previously had not imagined. There are things that can still be tweaked, modified, improved upon, or just scrapped altogether about me and my life. All things considered, things are going fantastically and I cannot be happier with where I'm at right now. It took a long time for me to reach this point in my life. Being healthier in mind, body, and soul than I've ever been in my life is so liberating. And yet I know I still have not yet reached my goal. The journey has been a long and slow one until now. I feel like I've moved into the passing lane and am speeding ahead to my destination - not the "ultimate destination" (a.k.a. death) but one of self-fulfillment.
Part of the transformation includes having others notice the positive changes I have made. The compliments I've received over the past week or so have done wonders for my self-esteem and my ego. But it's also made me realize the importance of passing it forward to others and that is where I need to make my next change. I have to learn to offer the same compliments to others. I don't mean simple lip-service to make others feel good but sharing genuine feedback, appreciation, and love for others.
There are times that I feel there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need or want to do but it's all good. There have been no wasted moments. There are still a few things I want to knock off the old to-do-list before the year is up and I'll be sure to share those moments with you all when the time comes. Until then I'll leave you with a few quotes that have moved me lately:
= "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." ~ Muhammad Ali
= “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze
= Dimidium facti qui coepit havet: sapere aude (He who has begun is half done: dare to know)
= Each day brings it's own miracles and disappointments. You just need the proper filters to see the good that's around you. =) (via @agsilver51 on twitter)
= If you are scared of failure, you will never succeed. (via @digitalspit on Twitter)
= Quotes are just quotes. When u apply it to ur life, then its wisdom. (via @iconic88 on Twitter)
Until next time, faithful reader......
I'm smiling on the inside. It's not just a smirk or a grin but a full on ear-to-ear, Cheshire cat smile. I still can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I'm enveloped in an amorphous cloud of positivity and it's merely a harbinger of more great things yet to come for me. My life is moving in a positive direction and I feel more liberated from my former self. My attitude adjustment from the start of the year has been bearing fruit all year and things have only gotten better for me.
I suspect some of my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing the status updates with quotes and affirmations, etc. It's a reflection of who I am now... and I won't change it for anything. I love my life right now. Even though it is far from perfect, it's progressing in ways that I previously had not imagined. There are things that can still be tweaked, modified, improved upon, or just scrapped altogether about me and my life. All things considered, things are going fantastically and I cannot be happier with where I'm at right now. It took a long time for me to reach this point in my life. Being healthier in mind, body, and soul than I've ever been in my life is so liberating. And yet I know I still have not yet reached my goal. The journey has been a long and slow one until now. I feel like I've moved into the passing lane and am speeding ahead to my destination - not the "ultimate destination" (a.k.a. death) but one of self-fulfillment.
Part of the transformation includes having others notice the positive changes I have made. The compliments I've received over the past week or so have done wonders for my self-esteem and my ego. But it's also made me realize the importance of passing it forward to others and that is where I need to make my next change. I have to learn to offer the same compliments to others. I don't mean simple lip-service to make others feel good but sharing genuine feedback, appreciation, and love for others.
There are times that I feel there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need or want to do but it's all good. There have been no wasted moments. There are still a few things I want to knock off the old to-do-list before the year is up and I'll be sure to share those moments with you all when the time comes. Until then I'll leave you with a few quotes that have moved me lately:
= "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." ~ Muhammad Ali
= “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze
= Dimidium facti qui coepit havet: sapere aude (He who has begun is half done: dare to know)
= Each day brings it's own miracles and disappointments. You just need the proper filters to see the good that's around you. =) (via @agsilver51 on twitter)
= If you are scared of failure, you will never succeed. (via @digitalspit on Twitter)
= Quotes are just quotes. When u apply it to ur life, then its wisdom. (via @iconic88 on Twitter)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Reunions and Looking Forward
Greetings,
It occurred to me today that I managed to upload pics from my trip to VA this past weekend to my Facebook profile but I still haven't posted my pics of my cousin Nelson's visit to NY yet!! What's wrong with me... smh. AH YES! I remember what happened now... Problems with the Facebook photo uploader. [Update: I managed to make it work while writing this blog entry. Hooray Beer!]
Speaking of VA, I HAD A BLAST this weekend catching up with old childhood friends in Richmond. This was the first time that all of us have been together under the same roof in almost a decade. We even made time (at the last possible minute, of course) to recreate the photo we took the last time we were together on that cold December night years ago back in T's house. This reunion also included a few new additions to the 'family' (a high school friend of T and Lex, and Lex's girlfriend, Cyn).
The only regret I have from this past weekend (it's a minor one, mind you) is that I missed out on the chance to check out the bar scene in downtown Richmond. I will say, though, that visiting Busch Gardens and spending time with childhood friends was a fair trade-off. On a related note, Busch Gardens was surprisingly fun and was better than Six Flags in NJ, if I do say so myself.
What else do I have planned, you ask? What's next for me?
Well... after talking with the fellas... we're trying set up a week-long cruise in Sept/Oct to the Caribbean. It'll be a chance for all the single guys of the crew to hang out and do our thing. Sorry Lex, though I'm sure you'd rather spend the time with Cyn anyway. =)
A few days ago, I had announced on Twitter that I was considering stopping by Atlantic City to get some money to go on this cruise (without having to tap into any savings) to which a friend responded: "geez vegas, road trips, ac, and a cruise! Lol crazy." I suppose it is... but I'm loving every second of it!!
To add to that "crazy" list of activities, I'm considering going skydiving in late August right before the Fall '09 semester starts. I'd prefer to do this with a friend but I'm willing to do it solo if no one steps up to join me. Anyone down?
I may also get my tattoo once the summer is over. I'll probably do it at the start of the school year (with that first paycheck of the semester). Some of you may have heard me talking about it since the start of the year but when deciding between ink or traveling, sight-seeing won over every time. I am serious about getting it so you can expect it to happen before the year's end.
There are a few things to sort out in my life between now and the end of the year but everything will happen in due time. Maybe I'll write about it next time, who knows.
Nevertheless, I have visions of craps tables in my head and may head out to Atlantic City soon. I've been dying to go since I've been back from Vegas. Wish me luck in case I decide to go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I added a new MCB playlist today. It's been a while and my apologies to those of you who actually tuned in weekly for them in the past. This week's playlist features Beatles songs. No real reason other than it's great music that will never go out of style.
I'm also working on some new "Ultimate" playlists so keep your eyes open for that. For those who haven't read some of my earlier writing, the 'Ultimate's are lists of quintessential songs that define a genre and are must-haves in anyone's mp3 collection. They're an excellent starting point for people that are new to a particular genre looking to build their musical collection. I've completed playlists for Salsa, Bachata and Freestyle thus far. The genres I plan to tackle next are Vallenatos, Merengue, and Samba. When considering 'Ultimate's for English music, it gets a little more complicated but I will probably work on songs by genre and decade (a.k.a. rock from the 80's, R&B from the 90's, etc)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll leave you with this thought, borrowed from a blog I stumbled upon today:
"IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I'd limber up.
I would be sillier than I've been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously, take more chances, take more trips.
I'd climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who lived seriously, sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
I've had my moments, and if I had to do over again, I'd have more of them.
I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring, and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until next time, faithful reader......
It occurred to me today that I managed to upload pics from my trip to VA this past weekend to my Facebook profile but I still haven't posted my pics of my cousin Nelson's visit to NY yet!! What's wrong with me... smh. AH YES! I remember what happened now... Problems with the Facebook photo uploader. [Update: I managed to make it work while writing this blog entry. Hooray Beer!]
Speaking of VA, I HAD A BLAST this weekend catching up with old childhood friends in Richmond. This was the first time that all of us have been together under the same roof in almost a decade. We even made time (at the last possible minute, of course) to recreate the photo we took the last time we were together on that cold December night years ago back in T's house. This reunion also included a few new additions to the 'family' (a high school friend of T and Lex, and Lex's girlfriend, Cyn).
The only regret I have from this past weekend (it's a minor one, mind you) is that I missed out on the chance to check out the bar scene in downtown Richmond. I will say, though, that visiting Busch Gardens and spending time with childhood friends was a fair trade-off. On a related note, Busch Gardens was surprisingly fun and was better than Six Flags in NJ, if I do say so myself.
What else do I have planned, you ask? What's next for me?
Well... after talking with the fellas... we're trying set up a week-long cruise in Sept/Oct to the Caribbean. It'll be a chance for all the single guys of the crew to hang out and do our thing. Sorry Lex, though I'm sure you'd rather spend the time with Cyn anyway. =)
A few days ago, I had announced on Twitter that I was considering stopping by Atlantic City to get some money to go on this cruise (without having to tap into any savings) to which a friend responded: "geez vegas, road trips, ac, and a cruise! Lol crazy." I suppose it is... but I'm loving every second of it!!
To add to that "crazy" list of activities, I'm considering going skydiving in late August right before the Fall '09 semester starts. I'd prefer to do this with a friend but I'm willing to do it solo if no one steps up to join me. Anyone down?
I may also get my tattoo once the summer is over. I'll probably do it at the start of the school year (with that first paycheck of the semester). Some of you may have heard me talking about it since the start of the year but when deciding between ink or traveling, sight-seeing won over every time. I am serious about getting it so you can expect it to happen before the year's end.
There are a few things to sort out in my life between now and the end of the year but everything will happen in due time. Maybe I'll write about it next time, who knows.
Nevertheless, I have visions of craps tables in my head and may head out to Atlantic City soon. I've been dying to go since I've been back from Vegas. Wish me luck in case I decide to go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I added a new MCB playlist today. It's been a while and my apologies to those of you who actually tuned in weekly for them in the past. This week's playlist features Beatles songs. No real reason other than it's great music that will never go out of style.
I'm also working on some new "Ultimate" playlists so keep your eyes open for that. For those who haven't read some of my earlier writing, the 'Ultimate's are lists of quintessential songs that define a genre and are must-haves in anyone's mp3 collection. They're an excellent starting point for people that are new to a particular genre looking to build their musical collection. I've completed playlists for Salsa, Bachata and Freestyle thus far. The genres I plan to tackle next are Vallenatos, Merengue, and Samba. When considering 'Ultimate's for English music, it gets a little more complicated but I will probably work on songs by genre and decade (a.k.a. rock from the 80's, R&B from the 90's, etc)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll leave you with this thought, borrowed from a blog I stumbled upon today:
"IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I'd limber up.
I would be sillier than I've been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously, take more chances, take more trips.
I'd climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who lived seriously, sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
I've had my moments, and if I had to do over again, I'd have more of them.
I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring, and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until next time, faithful reader......
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What I Learned About Life from a Puppy
A mini-post for today:
Most of you who know me personally know I've always been more of a cat-person than a dog-person. However, after observing the behavior of a certain puppy this weekend, I had a quasi-epiphany.
The world could be a better place if we take time to learn a lesson, or two, from dogs when it comes to dealing with other people:
- All we really need in life is a roof over our heads, regular meals, some love and attention, and a daily walk outside. The rest is gravy.
- There is nothing wrong with running up to a person you like and acknowledge them wholeheartedly
- If you don't like or trust someone, there is no shame in snarling, growling, or barking at them to let them know how you truly feel about them (a.k.a. don't be fake. If you don't like/trust someone, don't pretend to like/trust them)
- If you want to play, share your toys.
- Getting in someone's face doesn't have to be a sign of aggression. It may just mean you really like that person.
- Take the time to size someone up before you decide, with good reason, whether you like them or not.
It certainly is food for thought. Does anyone out there have any more lessons we can learn from "man's best friend"?
Until next time, faithful reader......
Most of you who know me personally know I've always been more of a cat-person than a dog-person. However, after observing the behavior of a certain puppy this weekend, I had a quasi-epiphany.
The world could be a better place if we take time to learn a lesson, or two, from dogs when it comes to dealing with other people:
- All we really need in life is a roof over our heads, regular meals, some love and attention, and a daily walk outside. The rest is gravy.
- There is nothing wrong with running up to a person you like and acknowledge them wholeheartedly
- If you don't like or trust someone, there is no shame in snarling, growling, or barking at them to let them know how you truly feel about them (a.k.a. don't be fake. If you don't like/trust someone, don't pretend to like/trust them)
- If you want to play, share your toys.
- Getting in someone's face doesn't have to be a sign of aggression. It may just mean you really like that person.
- Take the time to size someone up before you decide, with good reason, whether you like them or not.
It certainly is food for thought. Does anyone out there have any more lessons we can learn from "man's best friend"?
Until next time, faithful reader......
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thinking back (or My Life After High School) - Part 1 of 2
I'll get right to it today....
I'm often bitter of people that don't have to "pay their dues". This sentiment is born out of a resentment that I have since I didn't have parents that could provide me with the opportunities that others seem to have. Mommy and daddy weren’t able to take care of me during my college years. Quite frankly, I had to eat shit for a while before I could get to a place where I was relatively comfortable in life. I can say with a certain sense of pride that everything I have now, for better or worse, was earned, literally, through much blood, sweat and tears. Please don’t think this is something I want others to experience because I don’t. But it annoys me when others have the support that I didn't have whether it is financial, emotional, or academic. It's been a long road but I am beginning to feel a sense of fulfillment now that I haven't had before.
It all started when my parents separated when I was in high school. I won’t go into the details as to why they separated or why my mother, my sister, and I moved out of our apartment. During my senior year, the three of us lived in a room that we rented on a weekly basis. Yes... you read that correctly. It was a single room where we somehow managed to set up two twin sized beds with the rest of our stuff carefully arranged in the remaining space. The kitchen and bathroom was shared with other renters and it was a miserable experience. But it kept us away from the dangerous man I used to refer to as “Dad”.
My senior year at Bronx Science, arguably the most important of the 4 HS years, was spent with more pressure than any teen should ever experience. The academic and social pressures of taking the SATs, applying for colleges, going to the prom, etc. were compounded with the worry of what we would be eating each night for dinner or managing my personal spending to make sure I didn’t put any financial pressure on my mom. I still wonder how we survived those years. I remember many days that I went without eating lunch. I would mooch off of friends to survive the day. I was really skinny back then. I was an active kid (handball during free periods, soccer on the quad during lunch) but the main reason I was thin was because I didn’t eat.
Fast forward to the first year out of high school when I was in my second semester at NYU. I had done pretty terribly in my first semester because I wasn’t really focused on my studies. I had a job at an electronics store and knew that I needed to work more hours to be able to help my mom out with the expenses. We had moved into an actual apartment by this time (a basement in a private house a block away). I ended up dropping out of NYU during that second semester. I hated to do it but I needed the money more than I needed the education.
I hated dropping out of NYU for several reasons. For one, I feel like I cheated myself out of a chance to get a degree from a well known school. Secondly, I hated giving up on college only because I needed to work and earn money to live. It’s one thing to have a part time job to cover frivolous expenses. But I had to work to help pay the rent, to have food in the fridge, to help my mom in any way I could since she now had two children in college each with their own expenses. I had very little financial aid and had a lot to pay back in student loans, with nothing to show for it. I managed to pay off my NYU student loan several years ago and even paid the last 1/3 of the parent loan my mom took out for me as well. I felt guilty that she put had to her name and credit on the line for a kid who, essentially, wasted his time while in NYU. She worked long hours sometimes 6 days a week to get us to where we were. She dealt with the aggravation of talking to my father, who tried to exploit the fact that he was helping to pay for my sister’s college expenses as a way to be a part of all our lives again. [Side note: By this time, I had stopped speaking to him and didn’t want anything to do with him. I certainly wasn’t going to take his money thus giving him an excuse to get back into my life.]
To be continued next time, faithful reader......
I'm often bitter of people that don't have to "pay their dues". This sentiment is born out of a resentment that I have since I didn't have parents that could provide me with the opportunities that others seem to have. Mommy and daddy weren’t able to take care of me during my college years. Quite frankly, I had to eat shit for a while before I could get to a place where I was relatively comfortable in life. I can say with a certain sense of pride that everything I have now, for better or worse, was earned, literally, through much blood, sweat and tears. Please don’t think this is something I want others to experience because I don’t. But it annoys me when others have the support that I didn't have whether it is financial, emotional, or academic. It's been a long road but I am beginning to feel a sense of fulfillment now that I haven't had before.
It all started when my parents separated when I was in high school. I won’t go into the details as to why they separated or why my mother, my sister, and I moved out of our apartment. During my senior year, the three of us lived in a room that we rented on a weekly basis. Yes... you read that correctly. It was a single room where we somehow managed to set up two twin sized beds with the rest of our stuff carefully arranged in the remaining space. The kitchen and bathroom was shared with other renters and it was a miserable experience. But it kept us away from the dangerous man I used to refer to as “Dad”.
My senior year at Bronx Science, arguably the most important of the 4 HS years, was spent with more pressure than any teen should ever experience. The academic and social pressures of taking the SATs, applying for colleges, going to the prom, etc. were compounded with the worry of what we would be eating each night for dinner or managing my personal spending to make sure I didn’t put any financial pressure on my mom. I still wonder how we survived those years. I remember many days that I went without eating lunch. I would mooch off of friends to survive the day. I was really skinny back then. I was an active kid (handball during free periods, soccer on the quad during lunch) but the main reason I was thin was because I didn’t eat.
Fast forward to the first year out of high school when I was in my second semester at NYU. I had done pretty terribly in my first semester because I wasn’t really focused on my studies. I had a job at an electronics store and knew that I needed to work more hours to be able to help my mom out with the expenses. We had moved into an actual apartment by this time (a basement in a private house a block away). I ended up dropping out of NYU during that second semester. I hated to do it but I needed the money more than I needed the education.
I hated dropping out of NYU for several reasons. For one, I feel like I cheated myself out of a chance to get a degree from a well known school. Secondly, I hated giving up on college only because I needed to work and earn money to live. It’s one thing to have a part time job to cover frivolous expenses. But I had to work to help pay the rent, to have food in the fridge, to help my mom in any way I could since she now had two children in college each with their own expenses. I had very little financial aid and had a lot to pay back in student loans, with nothing to show for it. I managed to pay off my NYU student loan several years ago and even paid the last 1/3 of the parent loan my mom took out for me as well. I felt guilty that she put had to her name and credit on the line for a kid who, essentially, wasted his time while in NYU. She worked long hours sometimes 6 days a week to get us to where we were. She dealt with the aggravation of talking to my father, who tried to exploit the fact that he was helping to pay for my sister’s college expenses as a way to be a part of all our lives again. [Side note: By this time, I had stopped speaking to him and didn’t want anything to do with him. I certainly wasn’t going to take his money thus giving him an excuse to get back into my life.]
To be continued next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
My life according to HIMYM (or Just a Line That Resonated with Me)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From last night's How I Met Your Mother (5/11/09)
[In Stella's car]
Ted: OK, but just tell me this. Why Tony? I mean, is it the money? The kung fu pajamas? Like, wha- what is it?
Stella: He's the one.
T: The one.
S: Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy but... yeah.
T: *sigh* OK, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have. I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and I'm waiting for it to happen and... I guess I'm just... *sigh* I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
S: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket.
T: Really?
S: *nods* I was heading upstate to my parents' house doing, like, 90 on this country road and I got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car, he kinda swaggers on over and he's like "Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day." So I looked up at him and I said "I'm so sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could."
T: *chuckle* For real?
S: *chuckle* No. Small joke. I know that you're tired of waiting and you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
T: Bye, Stella
S: Goodbye, Ted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I'm not planning to get all melancholy and depressing proclaiming "FML", and whining about how I'm not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. But I must admit watching that scene last night really tugged at the ol' heart strings.
I see several of my friends in happy and fulfilling relationships, starting families and I want that. When I thought I had it in the past, things were good and now that I don't, well... I feel like I'm adrift at sea. I may just be a hopeless (and maybe a little helpless?) romantic but I don't really enjoy being single.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not looking to dive right in to another relationship but I feel like a social retard when thinking about hooking up with someone. I may just be taking myself too seriously or simply over-thinking things but I haven't gotten very comfortable being single. So my primary focus has been on "doing my thing". Learning to do fun things that I normally didn't (and wouldn't) do in the past.
Nevertheless, I just can't shake the feeling that "time is running out". I'm a big believer in age being a state of mind and that you can be as young as you feel (within reasonable limits, of course). I also am always flattered when people think I'm younger than my actual age. But there are times when I'm left alone with my thoughts and I consider the "what if"s more than the "what now"s. In those moments, I can't stop the little voice in my head, the sappy romantic in me, who reminds me that we are simply waiting for the moment where I find "the one" instead of just going out there and sticking my neck out. I can't accept that things work that way... not any more.
But I'll keep waiting. I know that for as many friends of mine who are "happy", there are many others in the same boat as me. They're out there looking, waiting, or seeking their "one". And with that thought, I sit back and simply take a deep breath. My time - our time - will come. Whether I've met "the one" already or if she's coming into my life in the future, now is not the time to worry about it. I just need to live my life. And she - whoever it is - will get here when she gets here.
And that's all I feel like saying now on that subject.
Until next time, faithful reader......
From last night's How I Met Your Mother (5/11/09)
[In Stella's car]
Ted: OK, but just tell me this. Why Tony? I mean, is it the money? The kung fu pajamas? Like, wha- what is it?
Stella: He's the one.
T: The one.
S: Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy but... yeah.
T: *sigh* OK, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have. I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and I'm waiting for it to happen and... I guess I'm just... *sigh* I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
S: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket.
T: Really?
S: *nods* I was heading upstate to my parents' house doing, like, 90 on this country road and I got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car, he kinda swaggers on over and he's like "Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day." So I looked up at him and I said "I'm so sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could."
T: *chuckle* For real?
S: *chuckle* No. Small joke. I know that you're tired of waiting and you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
T: Bye, Stella
S: Goodbye, Ted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I'm not planning to get all melancholy and depressing proclaiming "FML", and whining about how I'm not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. But I must admit watching that scene last night really tugged at the ol' heart strings.
I see several of my friends in happy and fulfilling relationships, starting families and I want that. When I thought I had it in the past, things were good and now that I don't, well... I feel like I'm adrift at sea. I may just be a hopeless (and maybe a little helpless?) romantic but I don't really enjoy being single.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not looking to dive right in to another relationship but I feel like a social retard when thinking about hooking up with someone. I may just be taking myself too seriously or simply over-thinking things but I haven't gotten very comfortable being single. So my primary focus has been on "doing my thing". Learning to do fun things that I normally didn't (and wouldn't) do in the past.
Nevertheless, I just can't shake the feeling that "time is running out". I'm a big believer in age being a state of mind and that you can be as young as you feel (within reasonable limits, of course). I also am always flattered when people think I'm younger than my actual age. But there are times when I'm left alone with my thoughts and I consider the "what if"s more than the "what now"s. In those moments, I can't stop the little voice in my head, the sappy romantic in me, who reminds me that we are simply waiting for the moment where I find "the one" instead of just going out there and sticking my neck out. I can't accept that things work that way... not any more.
But I'll keep waiting. I know that for as many friends of mine who are "happy", there are many others in the same boat as me. They're out there looking, waiting, or seeking their "one". And with that thought, I sit back and simply take a deep breath. My time - our time - will come. Whether I've met "the one" already or if she's coming into my life in the future, now is not the time to worry about it. I just need to live my life. And she - whoever it is - will get here when she gets here.
And that's all I feel like saying now on that subject.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Introspective and Contemplative Musings...
I'm going to dig deep into 'me' today... You can always leave now before things get messy... This will not be a light-hearted entry or one filled with interesting anecdotes of my quotidian life...
Still here?
OK then. Suit yourself. You've been warned...
First off, I'm doing this because it's the only method I haven't tried yet to get over this mental funk that I feel I'm in. All the bravado and energy I started the year with is starting to fade just a little and I'm looking to recapture that spark.
You should also know that I hate opening up and exposing myself too much. I've always felt it wasn't in my nature to do so. However, I now feel it's not nature but nurture (or maybe the lack of it) that's at the heart of things.
Bear with me as I open up a little bit. As this is serving as a thought dump, I may end up all over the place and you're not obligated to connect the dots.
- Over the years, I've been told I have emotional barriers. (It happened as recently as a few days ago) Though this may be true, I've never given it much serious thought before today. You can consider this entry a rudimentary self-exploration to what's going on in my noggin. (More stalling? Damn...)
- I'm accustomed to repressing, hiding, or masking my true feelings on many occasions. So much so that I end up on one of two extremes: (1) not being able to open up when I really want to, or (2) I keep things inside to the point that I uncontrollably let out some emotion (usually anger but it's not limited to that).
- I have a constant need to feel like I have to do anything and everything to the best of my ability. If I put in a half-assed effort to something, I usually feel like I let myself down. This need, however, is coupled with a need to impress others. If I feel I'll fail at meeting either of the two needs, I usually abandon that activity altogether whenever possible. It's better for me to not do anything than to fuck it up. This can't be healthy... and being aware of it now, I hope to change it. I hope it this old dog can still learn some new tricks.
- I was talking to my sister about something the other day. Essentially, people don't understand the degree to which we were made to feel like sh*t growing up. This was because of our dad and his constant put-downs. We were never good enough in his eyes. (Except when we did something he could brag about to co-workers about, then we were HIS kids. Every other time we were our MOM'S kids.) He was very vocal in reminding us on a consistent basis that we wouldn't amount to much and that we weren't very good at anything.
One residual side-effect of this is that I find it hard to accept compliments or praise. I justify this by easily dismissing it because I feel I can always do better and/or be better. It's almost as if who I am or anything I do is not praise-worthy. I tend to devalue myself because that's what I grew up with. The positive application of this attitude has been to drive myself to strive for excellence - and, when possible, perfection - in anything I do. Though when I feel that I can't do things well I abandon it altogether (see above). However, I also find that I usually stop myself from even trying if I deem I cannot do things well.
- I feel there are many people who are okay with mediocrity and accept their own limitations. This bothers me greatly and, personally, I cannot. Maybe it's a matter of perspective and they feel they are the best they can be. Maybe they don't realize they can be more than they are. On the contrary, I constantly feel like I should be challenging myself to be better in all aspects of my life, to be a better son, a better brother, a better worker, a better friend, a better lover.
Some things are easier to envision and extremely difficult to put into practice for me. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and not give a damn about the consequences but all I seem to think about are the what if's.
I was reminded of a quote I once heard and I read it again recently: older people do not regret what they have done but rather what they have not. I really need to take charge of things and not put myself in a position where I will regret anything later in life.
- I have never learned to properly deal with failure because I was made to feel like it wasn't a natural part of life. It was either success or nothing. Failure never seemed like an option for me. This is why I think I don't take a chance on anything... I need to know what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so I don't mess things up... It's not matter of preparedness but just me not wanting to fail.
- I'm afraid to open up to people because I've been made to feel like it is a sign of weakness. I hate being this way and, at times, try very hard to not get sucked into that emotional black hole where I disconnect from others. It's difficult for me to gauge how much is too much when I finally manage to share my feelings with others. Which is why I fear opening up in the first place. My apologies to those who have been frustrated by my tight-lipped nature...
- "Sand is so overrated. It's just tiny little rocks."
I recently saw a movie that I hadn't seen in years (one of my faves, actually) and it got me to thinking about things. I empathize with Joel. He's a shy man who has a self-perceived dull and uninteresting life, yet he has a lot of pent-up creativity and a sense of craziness about him. For much of my life, I've routinized my life to going to work and going home (rinse and repeat). Even Joel's experience with "fall[ing] in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention” is something I can relate to.
Watching this movie made me think about my life again. As beautiful and exciting as it would be, I can't expect to just sit around waiting to run into my own Clementine in Montauk (though, is a road trip in order?). I'm content where I am now... but is it enough? . . . . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I keep writing at this point, I'll veer off on a tangent that I don't want to go on now... so I'll leave you with a quote from the movie cited above.
Until next time, faithful reader...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...
Still here?
OK then. Suit yourself. You've been warned...
First off, I'm doing this because it's the only method I haven't tried yet to get over this mental funk that I feel I'm in. All the bravado and energy I started the year with is starting to fade just a little and I'm looking to recapture that spark.
You should also know that I hate opening up and exposing myself too much. I've always felt it wasn't in my nature to do so. However, I now feel it's not nature but nurture (or maybe the lack of it) that's at the heart of things.
Bear with me as I open up a little bit. As this is serving as a thought dump, I may end up all over the place and you're not obligated to connect the dots.
- Over the years, I've been told I have emotional barriers. (It happened as recently as a few days ago) Though this may be true, I've never given it much serious thought before today. You can consider this entry a rudimentary self-exploration to what's going on in my noggin. (More stalling? Damn...)
- I'm accustomed to repressing, hiding, or masking my true feelings on many occasions. So much so that I end up on one of two extremes: (1) not being able to open up when I really want to, or (2) I keep things inside to the point that I uncontrollably let out some emotion (usually anger but it's not limited to that).
- I have a constant need to feel like I have to do anything and everything to the best of my ability. If I put in a half-assed effort to something, I usually feel like I let myself down. This need, however, is coupled with a need to impress others. If I feel I'll fail at meeting either of the two needs, I usually abandon that activity altogether whenever possible. It's better for me to not do anything than to fuck it up. This can't be healthy... and being aware of it now, I hope to change it. I hope it this old dog can still learn some new tricks.
- I was talking to my sister about something the other day. Essentially, people don't understand the degree to which we were made to feel like sh*t growing up. This was because of our dad and his constant put-downs. We were never good enough in his eyes. (Except when we did something he could brag about to co-workers about, then we were HIS kids. Every other time we were our MOM'S kids.) He was very vocal in reminding us on a consistent basis that we wouldn't amount to much and that we weren't very good at anything.
One residual side-effect of this is that I find it hard to accept compliments or praise. I justify this by easily dismissing it because I feel I can always do better and/or be better. It's almost as if who I am or anything I do is not praise-worthy. I tend to devalue myself because that's what I grew up with. The positive application of this attitude has been to drive myself to strive for excellence - and, when possible, perfection - in anything I do. Though when I feel that I can't do things well I abandon it altogether (see above). However, I also find that I usually stop myself from even trying if I deem I cannot do things well.
- I feel there are many people who are okay with mediocrity and accept their own limitations. This bothers me greatly and, personally, I cannot. Maybe it's a matter of perspective and they feel they are the best they can be. Maybe they don't realize they can be more than they are. On the contrary, I constantly feel like I should be challenging myself to be better in all aspects of my life, to be a better son, a better brother, a better worker, a better friend, a better lover.
Some things are easier to envision and extremely difficult to put into practice for me. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and not give a damn about the consequences but all I seem to think about are the what if's.
I was reminded of a quote I once heard and I read it again recently: older people do not regret what they have done but rather what they have not. I really need to take charge of things and not put myself in a position where I will regret anything later in life.
- I have never learned to properly deal with failure because I was made to feel like it wasn't a natural part of life. It was either success or nothing. Failure never seemed like an option for me. This is why I think I don't take a chance on anything... I need to know what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so I don't mess things up... It's not matter of preparedness but just me not wanting to fail.
- I'm afraid to open up to people because I've been made to feel like it is a sign of weakness. I hate being this way and, at times, try very hard to not get sucked into that emotional black hole where I disconnect from others. It's difficult for me to gauge how much is too much when I finally manage to share my feelings with others. Which is why I fear opening up in the first place. My apologies to those who have been frustrated by my tight-lipped nature...
- "Sand is so overrated. It's just tiny little rocks."
I recently saw a movie that I hadn't seen in years (one of my faves, actually) and it got me to thinking about things. I empathize with Joel. He's a shy man who has a self-perceived dull and uninteresting life, yet he has a lot of pent-up creativity and a sense of craziness about him. For much of my life, I've routinized my life to going to work and going home (rinse and repeat). Even Joel's experience with "fall[ing] in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention” is something I can relate to.
Watching this movie made me think about my life again. As beautiful and exciting as it would be, I can't expect to just sit around waiting to run into my own Clementine in Montauk (though, is a road trip in order?). I'm content where I am now... but is it enough? . . . . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I keep writing at this point, I'll veer off on a tangent that I don't want to go on now... so I'll leave you with a quote from the movie cited above.
Until next time, faithful reader...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...
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