Is that really you? Wow, sorry for the mess. Let me clean up here for a moment while I compose myself. Thanks for the unexpected visit.
I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.
I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.
This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.
I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.
Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).
My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.
But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.
I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.
Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.
As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)
Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Monday, June 14, 2010
Test Taking Archetypes (or Profiling My Students)
Tonight, my summer class will be taking their midterm and it reminded me of something I was working on informally several months ago.
As most of you may know by now, I’ve been teaching for about 2 years. In that time, I’ve seen hundreds of students taking my exams. What was interesting to me was observing my students as they trudged through my tests. During one of these boring nights of proctoring, I took note of the different behaviors that I observed among my class. I realized that there are many different types of test takers. In this RaUM entry, I’ve compiled 13 distinct groups of students and will describe each of their habits, nervous tics, or patterns that separate them from other students.
While putting together this list, I tried to think back to my time as an undergrad to recall which type of test taker I was when I was younger. But it’s just too hard to see things from the inside, especially after so many years have passed since I’ve had the nervous energy that came every time I took an exam. There’s simply no way to know how I behaved before while taking any of those tests.
Here are the 13 test taker archetypes:
1) The Yawners – These students either lost sleep studying, panicking about the exam, or simply use yawning as a coping mechanism while taking the test. They can be fairly annoying to others around them, especially when the yawns are more vocal.
2) The Fidgeters – These students suffer from leg shakes and constantly shifting position. It’s as if they cannot get comfortable in their chair while taking the test. Are they sitting on a cactus chair? WTF!!
3) The Peekers – These students have a tendency to look up while thinking of an answer but they use the professor as their primary point of focus. This can get kind of creepy after a half hour of the same thing.
4) The Anti-Peekers – These students use a similar recall technique as ‘The Peekers’ except they look around at anything, and anyone, BUT the professor. They make every effort to NOT have the professor in their line of sight while looking up. These students rouse a great deal of suspicion. I consistently feel the need to keep my eyes on them as I suspect they’re trying to cheat in the most conspicuous way possible.
5) The Eyes Down – These students are the type that will have their head down and noses buried deep in the exam paper. All I see is the top of their head during the entire exam. They will not make their face visible until they finish the exam when they finally lift their head up. Sometimes I wonder if they’re even awake and as I walk by them I listen for snoring.
6) The “Sigh”-ers – These students (like ‘The Yawners’) use a form of exhalation during the exam that can get annoying to those around them if done in excess, which is usually true for those in this group. The sighing isn’t necessarily a sign of frustration or annoyance but can simply be a release of anxiety and nervous energy.
7) The Over-Reviewers – These students are the double-, triple-, quadruple-checkers who feel the constant need to review their answers to be absolutely sure that they have answered everything correctly and avoided any possible mistake. This doesn’t mean they always catch their mistakes but they feel better having reviewed their work repeatedly before handing their exam in. They are also likely to stay for the full duration of the exam (even if they’ve finished early)
8) The ‘Dory’ – Just like the character in Finding Nemo, these students are easily distracted and almost forget the task at hand. It’s a miracle that they even finish the exam!
9) The Over-Confident – Unlike the “Over Reviewers”, this group finish their exam fairly quickly and are so sure of their performance that they don’t give any question/answer a second look while taking the exam. They’re typically among the first to finish any exam.
10) The Head Slappers – The name says it all. Another nervous tic exhibited by students either to release tension or to smack around some brain cells to recall the information they need to answer a question. No bruising or injury has occurred yet in my classes. Though there has been plenty of forehead rubbing after the slaps.
11) The Time Keepers – These students are very aware of the amount of time they have to complete an exam and will pace themselves (whether intentional or not is difficult to gauge) to complete the exam at, or near, the end time. The will use every possible minute (and, at times, second) allotted to complete the exam.
12) The Tiny Bladders – These students are the ones who in the middle of the exam ask to go to the bathroom. I personally try to avoid any conflict with the “Tiny Bladders” by telling them they should go right before the exam or hold it until they’re done. Any suspicion of cheating is grounds for a zero on an exam in my classroom this includes going to the bathroom for an extended period of time (I’m not a COMPLETE ogre about the bathroom. I understand that you can’t control the urges to go)
13) The Exasperated – These students are the ones who seem completely lost during every single exam. When they look up, they have a WTF look on their face and you can sense a tinge of desperation as they try to work their way through the exam. I feel bad for them but it’s their way. Usually they’re pleasantly surprised by their success on an exam since they tend to walk out of an exam positive that they failed.
So, faithful reader, which type are you?
Until next time……
As most of you may know by now, I’ve been teaching for about 2 years. In that time, I’ve seen hundreds of students taking my exams. What was interesting to me was observing my students as they trudged through my tests. During one of these boring nights of proctoring, I took note of the different behaviors that I observed among my class. I realized that there are many different types of test takers. In this RaUM entry, I’ve compiled 13 distinct groups of students and will describe each of their habits, nervous tics, or patterns that separate them from other students.
While putting together this list, I tried to think back to my time as an undergrad to recall which type of test taker I was when I was younger. But it’s just too hard to see things from the inside, especially after so many years have passed since I’ve had the nervous energy that came every time I took an exam. There’s simply no way to know how I behaved before while taking any of those tests.
Here are the 13 test taker archetypes:
1) The Yawners – These students either lost sleep studying, panicking about the exam, or simply use yawning as a coping mechanism while taking the test. They can be fairly annoying to others around them, especially when the yawns are more vocal.
2) The Fidgeters – These students suffer from leg shakes and constantly shifting position. It’s as if they cannot get comfortable in their chair while taking the test. Are they sitting on a cactus chair? WTF!!
3) The Peekers – These students have a tendency to look up while thinking of an answer but they use the professor as their primary point of focus. This can get kind of creepy after a half hour of the same thing.
4) The Anti-Peekers – These students use a similar recall technique as ‘The Peekers’ except they look around at anything, and anyone, BUT the professor. They make every effort to NOT have the professor in their line of sight while looking up. These students rouse a great deal of suspicion. I consistently feel the need to keep my eyes on them as I suspect they’re trying to cheat in the most conspicuous way possible.
5) The Eyes Down – These students are the type that will have their head down and noses buried deep in the exam paper. All I see is the top of their head during the entire exam. They will not make their face visible until they finish the exam when they finally lift their head up. Sometimes I wonder if they’re even awake and as I walk by them I listen for snoring.
6) The “Sigh”-ers – These students (like ‘The Yawners’) use a form of exhalation during the exam that can get annoying to those around them if done in excess, which is usually true for those in this group. The sighing isn’t necessarily a sign of frustration or annoyance but can simply be a release of anxiety and nervous energy.
7) The Over-Reviewers – These students are the double-, triple-, quadruple-checkers who feel the constant need to review their answers to be absolutely sure that they have answered everything correctly and avoided any possible mistake. This doesn’t mean they always catch their mistakes but they feel better having reviewed their work repeatedly before handing their exam in. They are also likely to stay for the full duration of the exam (even if they’ve finished early)
8) The ‘Dory’ – Just like the character in Finding Nemo, these students are easily distracted and almost forget the task at hand. It’s a miracle that they even finish the exam!
9) The Over-Confident – Unlike the “Over Reviewers”, this group finish their exam fairly quickly and are so sure of their performance that they don’t give any question/answer a second look while taking the exam. They’re typically among the first to finish any exam.
10) The Head Slappers – The name says it all. Another nervous tic exhibited by students either to release tension or to smack around some brain cells to recall the information they need to answer a question. No bruising or injury has occurred yet in my classes. Though there has been plenty of forehead rubbing after the slaps.
11) The Time Keepers – These students are very aware of the amount of time they have to complete an exam and will pace themselves (whether intentional or not is difficult to gauge) to complete the exam at, or near, the end time. The will use every possible minute (and, at times, second) allotted to complete the exam.
12) The Tiny Bladders – These students are the ones who in the middle of the exam ask to go to the bathroom. I personally try to avoid any conflict with the “Tiny Bladders” by telling them they should go right before the exam or hold it until they’re done. Any suspicion of cheating is grounds for a zero on an exam in my classroom this includes going to the bathroom for an extended period of time (I’m not a COMPLETE ogre about the bathroom. I understand that you can’t control the urges to go)
13) The Exasperated – These students are the ones who seem completely lost during every single exam. When they look up, they have a WTF look on their face and you can sense a tinge of desperation as they try to work their way through the exam. I feel bad for them but it’s their way. Usually they’re pleasantly surprised by their success on an exam since they tend to walk out of an exam positive that they failed.
So, faithful reader, which type are you?
Until next time……
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thinking back - part 2
Welcome back,
Previously, I started recounted the story of my path from HS to when I dropped out of NYU (and the subsequent regret I had over that decision). This is the story of how I ended up at Queens College.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After spending several years away from a classroom, I realized my life wasn't really progressing and I wasn't happy where I had been working. Some of the jobs I had in this time included working at a car parts warehouse, a car rental agency (both ends of the transaction: the guy that gives the customer his/her car AND later as the rental agent printing up contracts), and a video store, among others. In all these jobs (except the warehouse), I had either become, or was on the verge of being promoted to, a manager (whether it was P/T mgr or ass't mgr). But despite the increase in pay and responsibility, it was not the life I felt I needed to be living.
I made the decision to go back to school. I had been out of NYU for some time and two of my closest friends were in Queens College. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I were to never go back and get a college degree. I went to Bronx-freaking-Science for Christ's sake!! I had friends who went to Ivy League schools. Others went to top universities throughout the country studying with faculty that were the experts in their fields of interest. What did I have to show for my time at Science? NOTHING. I was an NYU-drop out. I was bitter and needed to get back on the intellectual horse for my own sanity otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself.
I knew I couldn't afford a private university and opted for a CUNY education. I applied to all the CUNY's in Queens: LaGuardia CC, Queens College and Queensborough CC (QCC). Queens College was my first choice. Though I was willing to settle for admission to one of the CC's and transfer after a year or two. I was only accepted to Queensborough which was a blow to my ego but, at least, it got my foot in the door.
I tried to make the most of my time there but, quite frankly, I was so bored with my classes that I didn't feel challenged. I would spend more time hanging out with new friends than working on my class work. I fell behind in my course work and was very unmotivated. In the span of a year, I managed to pass 2 classes, dropped a few (I forgot how many exactly), and the others I failed outright for lack of attendance. I knew I had to get out of there.
I decided a transfer would do me some good. After all, the school I really wanted to go to was Queens College (QC). I need to confess that my primary motivation for going to QC was the fact that my friends were there. They'd tell me about how they spent time there, the people that they've met, and it sounded like fun. So much so, I even started spending my free time at QC and really liked the vibe on the campus. I often rushed out of class at QCC (when I actually went to class) and took the buses to QC just to hang out. I spent my time at the office for the student organization Alliance of Latin American Students (ALAS). It got to the point that people in ALAS thought I was a QC student and were shocked to find out I was going to QCC.
My decision to attend QC was not solely based on the social scene there. After all, it's not as if QC is a bad school, academically. It actually had (and still has) a very good reputation and is one of the few "respected" schools in the CUNY system.
I applied for a transfer during the summer. I didn't get a letter from CUNY Central telling me whether the transfer was accepted or not. Instead, I received a phone call from the Director of Admissions at QC (to this day, I wish I could remember her name). She wanted to interview me in person. I was surprised and excited. I didn't know what to expect but, even though I was extremely nervous, I figured this must be a good sign.
I walk into her office and I'm greeting by a friendly woman. She asks me to take a seat and proceeds to tell me that she has been looking over my application repeatedly. Immediately, my heart sank. I began wondering why I was even called here in the first place. This was a waste of my time! She's seen how badly I've done in QCC. She knows that I've been out of HS for so many years. I only had a B (maybe B-) average at Science. What do I really have going for me??
Well, it turns out... something in my application had caught her eye. Something that made her call me in for the interview. Something that she couldn't quite wrap her head around that caused her to want to meet me in person rather than make her decision based on what was on paper. She asked me how someone who graduated from Bronx Science could do so badly in QCC. Essentially, I explained that I didn't feel QCC was the place for me. I explained having visited QC and feeling a sense of belonging there. She reasoned, aloud, that I wasn't being challenged academically and I hadn't realized that until she said it. It was the first ray of sunshine in what had been a cloudy collegiate experience for me.
She reviewed my SAT scores (which, for the record, were quite good) and told me that my academic pedigree was strong. She understood why I didn't do well at QCC and she was willing to give me a chance to succeed at QC. This was based on a hunch. An intuition that she had gotten after speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes. I could not believe what had just happened. I was going to attend Queens College!
After completing a few formalities such as writing a short reply to a generic question she had prepared (to prove I can write in English) and filling out some forms, I was officially a QC student. The director then made me promise to follow up with her every semester to let her know how I was progressing. I easily agreed to this condition. After all, this woman had just changed my life!! In hindsight, she changed it in more ways than I could have EVER imagined.
I'll talk about my time at QC some other time but I did want to say one more thing about the QC Admissions Director. I successfully completed my first semester at QC the following fall and was beginning to erase the memory of QCC on my record. I made arrangements to swing by the Director's office in January. It was after the new year but before the start of the spring semester. When I walked into the Admissions Office, I learned that she had transferred to another school and was no longer working at QC. I was disappointed since I really did want to give her a progress report and to thank her for letting me transfer to QC.
If she could only see me now: a graduate of the MA program at QC and teaching other QC students. I don't know where she is now and I am fairly certain she isn't reading this entry but THANK YOU! Thank you for for believing in me and for taking the chance on me. It was just what I needed and I don't know where I would be without you!!
Until next time, faithful reader......
Previously, I started recounted the story of my path from HS to when I dropped out of NYU (and the subsequent regret I had over that decision). This is the story of how I ended up at Queens College.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After spending several years away from a classroom, I realized my life wasn't really progressing and I wasn't happy where I had been working. Some of the jobs I had in this time included working at a car parts warehouse, a car rental agency (both ends of the transaction: the guy that gives the customer his/her car AND later as the rental agent printing up contracts), and a video store, among others. In all these jobs (except the warehouse), I had either become, or was on the verge of being promoted to, a manager (whether it was P/T mgr or ass't mgr). But despite the increase in pay and responsibility, it was not the life I felt I needed to be living.
I made the decision to go back to school. I had been out of NYU for some time and two of my closest friends were in Queens College. I knew I would be disappointed with myself if I were to never go back and get a college degree. I went to Bronx-freaking-Science for Christ's sake!! I had friends who went to Ivy League schools. Others went to top universities throughout the country studying with faculty that were the experts in their fields of interest. What did I have to show for my time at Science? NOTHING. I was an NYU-drop out. I was bitter and needed to get back on the intellectual horse for my own sanity otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself.
I knew I couldn't afford a private university and opted for a CUNY education. I applied to all the CUNY's in Queens: LaGuardia CC, Queens College and Queensborough CC (QCC). Queens College was my first choice. Though I was willing to settle for admission to one of the CC's and transfer after a year or two. I was only accepted to Queensborough which was a blow to my ego but, at least, it got my foot in the door.
I tried to make the most of my time there but, quite frankly, I was so bored with my classes that I didn't feel challenged. I would spend more time hanging out with new friends than working on my class work. I fell behind in my course work and was very unmotivated. In the span of a year, I managed to pass 2 classes, dropped a few (I forgot how many exactly), and the others I failed outright for lack of attendance. I knew I had to get out of there.
I decided a transfer would do me some good. After all, the school I really wanted to go to was Queens College (QC). I need to confess that my primary motivation for going to QC was the fact that my friends were there. They'd tell me about how they spent time there, the people that they've met, and it sounded like fun. So much so, I even started spending my free time at QC and really liked the vibe on the campus. I often rushed out of class at QCC (when I actually went to class) and took the buses to QC just to hang out. I spent my time at the office for the student organization Alliance of Latin American Students (ALAS). It got to the point that people in ALAS thought I was a QC student and were shocked to find out I was going to QCC.
My decision to attend QC was not solely based on the social scene there. After all, it's not as if QC is a bad school, academically. It actually had (and still has) a very good reputation and is one of the few "respected" schools in the CUNY system.
I applied for a transfer during the summer. I didn't get a letter from CUNY Central telling me whether the transfer was accepted or not. Instead, I received a phone call from the Director of Admissions at QC (to this day, I wish I could remember her name). She wanted to interview me in person. I was surprised and excited. I didn't know what to expect but, even though I was extremely nervous, I figured this must be a good sign.
I walk into her office and I'm greeting by a friendly woman. She asks me to take a seat and proceeds to tell me that she has been looking over my application repeatedly. Immediately, my heart sank. I began wondering why I was even called here in the first place. This was a waste of my time! She's seen how badly I've done in QCC. She knows that I've been out of HS for so many years. I only had a B (maybe B-) average at Science. What do I really have going for me??
Well, it turns out... something in my application had caught her eye. Something that made her call me in for the interview. Something that she couldn't quite wrap her head around that caused her to want to meet me in person rather than make her decision based on what was on paper. She asked me how someone who graduated from Bronx Science could do so badly in QCC. Essentially, I explained that I didn't feel QCC was the place for me. I explained having visited QC and feeling a sense of belonging there. She reasoned, aloud, that I wasn't being challenged academically and I hadn't realized that until she said it. It was the first ray of sunshine in what had been a cloudy collegiate experience for me.
She reviewed my SAT scores (which, for the record, were quite good) and told me that my academic pedigree was strong. She understood why I didn't do well at QCC and she was willing to give me a chance to succeed at QC. This was based on a hunch. An intuition that she had gotten after speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes. I could not believe what had just happened. I was going to attend Queens College!
After completing a few formalities such as writing a short reply to a generic question she had prepared (to prove I can write in English) and filling out some forms, I was officially a QC student. The director then made me promise to follow up with her every semester to let her know how I was progressing. I easily agreed to this condition. After all, this woman had just changed my life!! In hindsight, she changed it in more ways than I could have EVER imagined.
I'll talk about my time at QC some other time but I did want to say one more thing about the QC Admissions Director. I successfully completed my first semester at QC the following fall and was beginning to erase the memory of QCC on my record. I made arrangements to swing by the Director's office in January. It was after the new year but before the start of the spring semester. When I walked into the Admissions Office, I learned that she had transferred to another school and was no longer working at QC. I was disappointed since I really did want to give her a progress report and to thank her for letting me transfer to QC.
If she could only see me now: a graduate of the MA program at QC and teaching other QC students. I don't know where she is now and I am fairly certain she isn't reading this entry but THANK YOU! Thank you for for believing in me and for taking the chance on me. It was just what I needed and I don't know where I would be without you!!
Until next time, faithful reader......
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thinking back (or My Life After High School) - Part 1 of 2
I'll get right to it today....
I'm often bitter of people that don't have to "pay their dues". This sentiment is born out of a resentment that I have since I didn't have parents that could provide me with the opportunities that others seem to have. Mommy and daddy weren’t able to take care of me during my college years. Quite frankly, I had to eat shit for a while before I could get to a place where I was relatively comfortable in life. I can say with a certain sense of pride that everything I have now, for better or worse, was earned, literally, through much blood, sweat and tears. Please don’t think this is something I want others to experience because I don’t. But it annoys me when others have the support that I didn't have whether it is financial, emotional, or academic. It's been a long road but I am beginning to feel a sense of fulfillment now that I haven't had before.
It all started when my parents separated when I was in high school. I won’t go into the details as to why they separated or why my mother, my sister, and I moved out of our apartment. During my senior year, the three of us lived in a room that we rented on a weekly basis. Yes... you read that correctly. It was a single room where we somehow managed to set up two twin sized beds with the rest of our stuff carefully arranged in the remaining space. The kitchen and bathroom was shared with other renters and it was a miserable experience. But it kept us away from the dangerous man I used to refer to as “Dad”.
My senior year at Bronx Science, arguably the most important of the 4 HS years, was spent with more pressure than any teen should ever experience. The academic and social pressures of taking the SATs, applying for colleges, going to the prom, etc. were compounded with the worry of what we would be eating each night for dinner or managing my personal spending to make sure I didn’t put any financial pressure on my mom. I still wonder how we survived those years. I remember many days that I went without eating lunch. I would mooch off of friends to survive the day. I was really skinny back then. I was an active kid (handball during free periods, soccer on the quad during lunch) but the main reason I was thin was because I didn’t eat.
Fast forward to the first year out of high school when I was in my second semester at NYU. I had done pretty terribly in my first semester because I wasn’t really focused on my studies. I had a job at an electronics store and knew that I needed to work more hours to be able to help my mom out with the expenses. We had moved into an actual apartment by this time (a basement in a private house a block away). I ended up dropping out of NYU during that second semester. I hated to do it but I needed the money more than I needed the education.
I hated dropping out of NYU for several reasons. For one, I feel like I cheated myself out of a chance to get a degree from a well known school. Secondly, I hated giving up on college only because I needed to work and earn money to live. It’s one thing to have a part time job to cover frivolous expenses. But I had to work to help pay the rent, to have food in the fridge, to help my mom in any way I could since she now had two children in college each with their own expenses. I had very little financial aid and had a lot to pay back in student loans, with nothing to show for it. I managed to pay off my NYU student loan several years ago and even paid the last 1/3 of the parent loan my mom took out for me as well. I felt guilty that she put had to her name and credit on the line for a kid who, essentially, wasted his time while in NYU. She worked long hours sometimes 6 days a week to get us to where we were. She dealt with the aggravation of talking to my father, who tried to exploit the fact that he was helping to pay for my sister’s college expenses as a way to be a part of all our lives again. [Side note: By this time, I had stopped speaking to him and didn’t want anything to do with him. I certainly wasn’t going to take his money thus giving him an excuse to get back into my life.]
To be continued next time, faithful reader......
I'm often bitter of people that don't have to "pay their dues". This sentiment is born out of a resentment that I have since I didn't have parents that could provide me with the opportunities that others seem to have. Mommy and daddy weren’t able to take care of me during my college years. Quite frankly, I had to eat shit for a while before I could get to a place where I was relatively comfortable in life. I can say with a certain sense of pride that everything I have now, for better or worse, was earned, literally, through much blood, sweat and tears. Please don’t think this is something I want others to experience because I don’t. But it annoys me when others have the support that I didn't have whether it is financial, emotional, or academic. It's been a long road but I am beginning to feel a sense of fulfillment now that I haven't had before.
It all started when my parents separated when I was in high school. I won’t go into the details as to why they separated or why my mother, my sister, and I moved out of our apartment. During my senior year, the three of us lived in a room that we rented on a weekly basis. Yes... you read that correctly. It was a single room where we somehow managed to set up two twin sized beds with the rest of our stuff carefully arranged in the remaining space. The kitchen and bathroom was shared with other renters and it was a miserable experience. But it kept us away from the dangerous man I used to refer to as “Dad”.
My senior year at Bronx Science, arguably the most important of the 4 HS years, was spent with more pressure than any teen should ever experience. The academic and social pressures of taking the SATs, applying for colleges, going to the prom, etc. were compounded with the worry of what we would be eating each night for dinner or managing my personal spending to make sure I didn’t put any financial pressure on my mom. I still wonder how we survived those years. I remember many days that I went without eating lunch. I would mooch off of friends to survive the day. I was really skinny back then. I was an active kid (handball during free periods, soccer on the quad during lunch) but the main reason I was thin was because I didn’t eat.
Fast forward to the first year out of high school when I was in my second semester at NYU. I had done pretty terribly in my first semester because I wasn’t really focused on my studies. I had a job at an electronics store and knew that I needed to work more hours to be able to help my mom out with the expenses. We had moved into an actual apartment by this time (a basement in a private house a block away). I ended up dropping out of NYU during that second semester. I hated to do it but I needed the money more than I needed the education.
I hated dropping out of NYU for several reasons. For one, I feel like I cheated myself out of a chance to get a degree from a well known school. Secondly, I hated giving up on college only because I needed to work and earn money to live. It’s one thing to have a part time job to cover frivolous expenses. But I had to work to help pay the rent, to have food in the fridge, to help my mom in any way I could since she now had two children in college each with their own expenses. I had very little financial aid and had a lot to pay back in student loans, with nothing to show for it. I managed to pay off my NYU student loan several years ago and even paid the last 1/3 of the parent loan my mom took out for me as well. I felt guilty that she put had to her name and credit on the line for a kid who, essentially, wasted his time while in NYU. She worked long hours sometimes 6 days a week to get us to where we were. She dealt with the aggravation of talking to my father, who tried to exploit the fact that he was helping to pay for my sister’s college expenses as a way to be a part of all our lives again. [Side note: By this time, I had stopped speaking to him and didn’t want anything to do with him. I certainly wasn’t going to take his money thus giving him an excuse to get back into my life.]
To be continued next time, faithful reader......
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