Remember, remember the 5th of November... again (or RaUM's 3rd anniversary)

Is that really you? Wow, sorry for the mess. Let me clean up here for a moment while I compose myself. Thanks for the unexpected visit.

I know. It has been a while. Truth be told, I have been busy and haven't dedicated as much time to the blog as I would have liked. This is not to say I didn't want to keep writing. I've had many ideas for blog entries and just never got around to writing about them. I knew another year was about about to pass but I could not believe it's been 3 years since I started rambling on RaUM.

I haven't taken the time to look back at the Alan that started writing back in 2008 (the same guy who once wrote consistently enough to have a potentially decent following). I probably should do that soon. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I've told myself I would do "soon" or that I would "get to" at some point and they have long been forgotten in my memory.

This entry won't serve as a declaration of where I need to be (or perhaps want to be) nor will it be a reflection of the years that have passed. Instead, I will give you a snapshot of what's been on my mind lately as I try to decide, once and for all, what I will be now that I'm grown up.

I've been teaching at Queens College for about as long as this blog has been active. It turns out it is what I love to do. I'm one of the lucky ones. As a close friend told me recently, I'm one of the few who can say he is doing what he loves... and can say it with a straight face.

Teaching has always been in my blood and perhaps that's why it comes so naturally to me. Maybe it's the power trip of managing/controlling information as well as managing/controlling a class full of students. Maybe it's the performance aspect: while standing in front of the room, everything I say and do conveys a message. Then again, the primary reason I've always given folks for enjoying the job is my feeling that the work is important. Teaching and gaining knowledge is often undervalued in our modern day, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed society. Yet sometimes, it's the ego trip that I get off on. I've had students tell me that the way I approach the material allows them to actually learn something in my class (a wonderful compliment but also a damning condemnation of my peers).

My problem is figuring out how can I do this full time. The one pre-requisite that seems to be universal is that I must have a PhD. I was able to get my job as an adjunct lecturer (a part-time teaching position at QC/CUNY) with just my MA in Sociology. At the time I completed the Masters program, I was burnt out with school and was simply grateful to have earned a graduate degree. I wasn't considering going for a PhD. However, once I started teaching and discovered I not only loved it but was pretty good at it (based on semi-annual peer evaluations by full time faculty), I realized I would have to give serious thought to a minimum of two more years as a student.

But I haven't done anything about it yet. I'm not quite sure I want to leave QC but I don't know if there would be a job for me there should I earn a PhD. I'm terrible at change unless it is forced upon me and this isn't something I'm forced to pursue. And yet the more I consider that stance I am convinced that all I'm doing is letting my dream fade away before my eyes. It shouldn't matter where I am teaching, so long as I can make a living off of it.

I also wish there was a way to just earn the PhD and get a full time job but it also isn't that simple either. I have to ensure that I have an interest in conducting research and enter my contributions to the nebulous academic ether. I also have to actively engage in the office politics which I am able to avoid now since adjuncts are, for all intents and purposes, invisible at QC. I'm sure I'm overthinking things (as I am wont to do) but these aren't idle considerations.

Who knows? We'll see what happens over the next few weeks as I try and get things in order and figure out whether entering a PhD program for Fall 2012 is something I'd be able to do. Nine months should be enough time to gather my thoughts together and prepare for the rigors of being a student again.

As for RaUM? It won't be neglected (more accurately, it won't be AS neglected). Just give me some time to kick some of the rust off of this old hunk of junk and I'll get back to writing regularly before you know it! =)

Welcome back and until next time, faithful reader......

A Childhood Poem (or Something Else I Dug Up)

Hey there,

I'll start by saying that I am not a hoarder though I do have pack rat tendencies. This morning, I was going through a pile of papers that I've kept from my high school years. It was nice to purge my apartment of the excess clutter that had gone unchecked all these years. There were so many memories that came rushing back to me (soccer on the Quad, the prom, that odd year where I had 3 different Chem teachers b/c my original Chem teacher - what was his name again?? - broke his hip after falling off of a stool).

In that chaos of dusty papers and old notebooks, I found this poem. There is a chance it may be from junior high school but the silliness of it brought a smile to my face! Enjoy y'all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
There's no chance in hell.
I'd go out with you.

Sugar is sweet.
Coal is black.
Do me a favor.
Go sit on a tack.

Snow is white.
Grass is green.
With you, in public,
I'd never be seen.

Flowers bloom.
The river flows.
What do you think I am?
One of your cheap hoes!?

Water is water.
Grass is grass.
Do me a favor
and wipe your ass.

You smell real bad.
You smell like shit.
Go take a bath.
You REALLY need it!

All in all,
what I have to say
is get a life
and have a nice day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[FYI, this was NOT written to me nor is it about me.]

=)

Hope you all go out and make the most of this Memorial Day weekend! And please take a moment this weekend to remember those folks who have served our country.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Survey Results (or How To Lose Friends Quickly with Just One Message)

Helllllllooooooooo everyone,

Long time no see. I've been wanting to write this entry for several months now. I've been busy with my stats classes, keeping sane, and staying afloat financially. [Sidebar: When I say "staying afloat", I mean it like drowning... but managing to get your head above water JUST long enough to catch a quick breath before you go under long enough for your lungs to burn. Rinse and repeat.]

But enough of that... I have an interesting story to tell you all. [Trust me when I tell you that the pace with which I am typing these keys now is one that only compares to those all-nighters I would pull to write my 10+ page term papers as an undergrad... only with more of a purpose... and joy.]

Several months ago, I get the following text message from a female friend:
"So gentlemen,I was having a debate w/a male friend of mine...I know this isn't a hot topic of discussion,but if ur all not embarrassed 2 respond, I'd appreciate honest responses.1)would/do u mind having sex w/ ur girl when she has her period 2)would/do u mind doing "strategic" oral sex 2 ur girl if she has her period- ask if u need clarification on strategic 3)would/do u prefer just a bj to sex from ur girl when she has her period- this one was a hoot!"

[FYI, for those of you wondering, like I did... "strategic meaning: clitoral tongue action only. not necessarily tongue to vaginal opening"]

After mulling it over I replied by e-mail (since she needed written evidence). Then I got curious to know what my fellow XY chromosome comrades thought of these questions. I got busy contacting my buddies to get their feedback. Partly to give my friend some more content for her debate but the researcher in me was curious to see if there were any trends in the responses I'd get.

Here were the questions I asked my friends:
(1) Would you/do you mind having sex with your girl when she has her period?
(2) Would you/do you mind "strategic" oral sex to your girl if she has her period? ("strategic" = tongue-to-clitoris contact)
(3) Would you/do you prefer just a BJ to sex from your girl when she is on her period?
(Follow-up to Q3) Would you ask for the BJ or only take it if offered?

I had 21 friends reply (why did I think there were more??) and here are the results (with my answers included among the totals) along with any funny/quirky/insightful quotes to these yes/no questions added in.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(1) Yes, they would have sex during period - 12
"My penis has no sense of smell or taste"
"only in the shower or covered bed"
"with a condom and if she cleans up"
"a shower takes care of that"
"but on a VERY slow day"

No, they would not - 9
"I'd try anything once but I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it"
"but sometimes you have to take one for the team to make her happy"

Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(2) Yes, would perform "strategic" oral - 1

No "strategic" oral - 20
"NAY!!! Mouth stays fffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr away from that area until things clear up. lol"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(3) Yes, they would prefer BJ over sex - 15
"If she's comfortable only"
"It's easier"
"It's all about reciprocating so I won't lose sleep if there is no BJ during this time"
"If I had a choice - which most of the time I don't - I would prefer a BJ over sex"

No to BJ over sex - 5
"Sex over BJ but a BJ or a handjob would do [if that's all there is]"

Depends on state of mind - 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Follow-up Q
Yes (would ask for a BJ) - 2
"whatever floats her boat"
"a BJ is good but would rather have sex"
"I would ask in a diplomatic way"

No (would not ask for it but would take it if offered) - 12
"only if she prefers that"
"asking for it ruins the experience"

Other - 2
"feel bad about getting and not giving"
"it depends on the girl. some are givers and some aren't"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It would seem as if the guys are almost split evenly among those who would and would not do it during "that time of the month". There was a resounding, nearly unanimous NO on question 2 about the strategic oral. Also when given the choice, my pool of respondents would mainly prefer a BJ over sex during this time but acknowledged that it isn't up to them (us?). I suspect there was a case of "If I have to answer this question then..." and is not really a reflection of what would actually happen under those circumstances. Finally, most of the guys recognize that getting a BJ is a privilege and not something we should necessarily ask for per se (unless done "diplomatically"! LOL). Besides, there are plenty of women who refuse to do that (just like there are plenty of guy who won't reciprocate).

I'm considering revisiting these questions but from the female perspective. Any of my female friends reading this... you've been warned. Expect an e-mail/FB message from me in the near future.

For the guys reading this... are any of you brave enough to answer these questions? You could comment anonymously but any feedback would be welcome!

Until next time, faithful reader......

Are you sick of highly paid teachers?

I will be breaking from the norm with this RaUM entry. I came across this post through a friend on FB and felt it was worth repeating (or - depending on your frame of mind - borrowing, or stealing, or sharing):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE.... That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!

WHAT A DEAL!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a fellow educator, I post this in solidarity with individuals who are already teaching and those who are working hard towards their degrees in education. It's a tough road and a career path that isn't for everyone. But, for those of us who love what we do (and stick with it), this is a fresh perspective on an old argument.

Until next time, faithful reader......

Innovators in Human History (or a List of People I Secretly Admire)

Hello there,

This morning I woke up with gratitude for some of the greatest human beings ever to roam this green planet of ours. Without any further pomp or circumstance, I will list a few of them here.

(1) The hominid who first thought "Damn, those chickens [or insert any other bird] are pretty tasty. I wonder how those rocks that their babies come from taste.":

This enterprising individual is the reason why we eat eggs in the morning. [Note: I admit there is a lot more history that I'm blatantly ignoring here in between that thought and the cultural acceptance of our quotidian morning staple as a standard component of breakfast. Deal with it!]

For that revolutionary thought, Mr. (or Ms.) Hominid, I thank you!

(2) The creator of sitcoms:

This man (or woman) realized the vaudevillian/slapstick humor that audiences loved in person would work on TV. Mind you, this concept was not unique nor especially innovatiove as it had already appeared on TV in the form of variety programs (see Tonight Show w/Steve Allen or Milton Berle Show). This entertainment genius took that idea and asked himself (or herself, but let's be real here... in that era... only a guy would've been able to present this idea)... where was I... OH, yes... so this guy asked himself "Why don't we use this same humor in the normal, unassuming setting of an all-American household where hijinks and hilarity will ensue."

Thank you, Mr. TV Visionary. Without your foresight we wouldn't have such classic TV moments like the moment on Three's Company (Season 4 Episode 8: A-Camping We Will Go) where an exhausted Jack Tripper continuously tries (and fails) to get some sleep at a cabin that a friend of his has access to. He ultimately finds a hammock and creates the funny like ONLY John Ritter can. [Tangent: I miss seeing that dude on TV. I practically idolized JR when I was a kid.... dreamt of growing up to be like Jack Tripper and everything.]

(3) Billy Mays:



You read that correctly. It wasn't a typo. I didn't mean Willie Mays. Or anyone with a similar sounding name. I meant Billy f**king Mays!!

Why? Because from now until the day I die any cleaning product I will come across (no matter how REVOLUTIONARY it is and how much nano-technology is used) will always have me asking "Yes, but is it as good as the cleaning power of OxyClean?!? Hmmm?? Is it powered by the air I breath and activated by the water that you and I drink??"


If you have other individuals in human history that you admire, I'd like to hear from you. Please take a minute or two and type your comments below.

Until next time, faithful reader......

My Light Bulb Moment (or Consider It a 2011 Resolution)

Welcome back!!

It's no coincidence that the time spent on this blog decreased dramatically when I started going out with my girlfriend last spring.

I found it hard to be open and honest on the blog while simultaneously trying to remain guarded and not open up "too soon" with her at the start of the relationship.

Why the sudden change now? Am I single?? No. No. It's nothing of the sort.

I just realized what this blog meant to me and my sanity. My mental health has taken a toll lately by keeping a lot of my "random" thoughts in my head. Purging my brian of these thoughts that have weighed heavy on my conscience has been cathartic. I've been depriving myself of the opportunity to be less stressed, less overwhelmed, and less helpless for the better part of 2010, which was a challenging year. I refuse to let that happen in 2011.

Those closest to me know that I am not one to open up or share my emotions/feelings very easily. That's what makes this blog rather unique. I don't really hold much back when writing here. There is something inherently impersonal in blogging that makes it easier to write whatever I feel without censoring the content. I do happen to know some of you that visit here, whether it's occassionally or immediately after every post. For the most part, I consider my "audience" to be anonymous. I admit there are times when I want to know EVERYONE that reads this blog. Nevertheless, I truly enjoy writing for the unknown readers (including the future me).

This time away has also forced me to accept something that is probably obvious to most folks. When in a relationship, you cannot force your significant other to like the person you want to be, or the person you try to be around them. They need to accept you for who you are. For better or worse, this blog is an extension of me and maybe even a bigger piece of who I am than I care to admit. After all, a lot of who I am is left in every entry of this blog.

I kept myself from writing much in 2010. That will change going forward. It's not as if I have anything to hide. ;)

For your continued readership and patience throughout 2010, I thank you.
For those of you new to RaUM, I hope you enjoy the sneak peeks into my life.

Until next time, faithful reader......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum (2 hours after posting):
For the record, those who know me well (and that is a very short list, folks) know that I don't share my emotions/feelings very well in the "real world". Blame it on my troubled childhood or poor social skills as a youth. Perhaps, it was never learning how to deal with rejection or never understanding how to accept that life can be fucked up sometimes.

That being said, I want to be clear that the issue with the gf and my blogging had to do with my perception of how she might (or might not) react to things I had to write about. I can be very self-conscious about what I post sometimes (believe it or not!) which can make me more sensitive to any potential feedback I might get from those close to me. I hope you didn't think I was using her as a scapegoat.

English Language Miscues (or Another Pet Peeve Unveiled)

My nerves are severely frayed and I can sense all of the muscles in my body tense up as I think about what I'm going to write now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1) "Humbleness":
Have you ever heard someone speak a word and do a mental double take? You can make sense of what they said after quickly (or not so quickly) deciphering the mangled portion of what they uttered.

We get what they're trying to say. Sadly, we accept these mispronunciations and move on. After all, our own über-important lives are filled with serious concerns. Why should we bother bruising someone's ego and correct them when we have bigger fish to fry? Am I right?

A word already exists for what you're trying to say here, champ: 'humility'! <For some strange reason, right after I typed it, I read the word as humidity and giggled for a bit.> You cannot take any adjective and add the suffix '-ness' to the end of it and think everything is OK. It's as bad as those folks who think they can convert any English word to Spanish by adding an '-o' at the end. It doesn't work! Understand-o?

If you don't believe me, why not tell me how stupid 'strongness' sounds to you? Perhaps 'teachableness' suits your limited English language needs?

I rest my case.

[Side note: To be fair, I know the word 'humbleness' does actually exist but it isn't commonly used. After all, we do use the word humility more than humbleness. Keep up with modern society, please.]

(2) "At the end of the day, ...":
Ahhhh yes. The hot new saying that everyone seems to be using. It's one of the most overused phrases I have heard in a long time! (It's only rivaled nowadays by 'epic', IMO.) When a person starts every other statement with this phrase, my brain goes to two places (depending on my mood): either the person has nothing of value to share and is trying to sound more interesting or the person genuinely believes the BS that's coming out of their mouths which makes me wonder what the end of their days are like. Well, not really. At the end of the day, they're not that interesting to begin with.

Damn it!!! It's contagious!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OKOKOKOKOKOK....
I'll stop venting now. Do you have any other words or sayings that rub you the wrong way? Do share below in the comments section!!

I hope to hear from you.
Until next time, faithful reader......

P.S. On second thought, those people that add an 'o' to the end of English words are worse. Instead of trying to learn the proper word, they decide that Spanish isn't important enough to make an effort for. In fact, they're devaluing the language and, by proxy and perhaps unintentionally, insulting an entire culture.

Envy (or Why Can't I Keep It Together)

Welcome back,

Sorry to return on such a somber tone but... here goes.

It's at moments like these that I find myself at my most weakest. Not physically but emotionally. When I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I lose control of my emotions and my vulnerabilities seep through the surface...

I cried today... I cried at not having a father. It's not as if he's dead or if I didn't know him while growing up. It's quite the contrary. He's very much alive and he has had an impact on my life. The problem is that the impact was mostly negative. When I became an adult (the magical age of 18 when the law determines you're no longer a minor), I decided to live my life in a way that was opposite to the example he set for me. I credited him with teaching me how to be a man by showing me what NOT to do. But I realize now, many years later, I still have a lot of work to do.

I sit here weeping as I realize that I may have ended up more emotionally stable had he actually died when I was young. Or if only he had decided to leave my mom instead of staying and slowly inflicting the damage he did to me, my mom, and my sister, like a deadly cancer. Instead, I sit here, with tears streaming down my face as I type this, envying those around me who have a father they respect, and love, and can turn to in times of need. I hate them... well, that's not entirely true nor is it fair. I hate that they have the luxury of having a good man, or even just a decent one, at their disposal.

I need someone to turn to. I need to feel safe. I need a rock to lean on. I need the wisdom that only comes with age. I need a father. Just not the one I have.

I don't typically cry. But lately I've found it comes really easily to me. I want to do so much more for those I love but feel handcuffed by my financial circumstances. Although money isn't everything (this isn't a cliché thrown in for effect... it truly isn't) I can't help but look at the situation we're in and recognize that we'd all have a little more piece of mind if we just had a little financial comfort. Instead, we claw and scratch and scrape together what we can to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I just want to live.

I want to enjoy life without wondering if my bills will get paid. Wondering if I'll have an apartment to live in next month. Wondering if I can get through the week. Wondering if I'll have food in the kitchen to cook a meal tonight. Wondering if I'll regain my sanity soon. Wondering what will drive me further down this hole next.

I want my dad. I need my dad. Shit... at this point, I'll take any dad. But only one will do. And that man doesn't exist. He never did.

Thanks for sticking with me, faithful reader.
Until next time......