The anxiety of dating (and rediscovering myself)

Hello friend,

I'm single again (I'm sorry if this comes as news to you... call me and we'll talk... lol) and now I find myself trying to figure out exactly how to proceed.

My break-up was a clean one. Essentially, it was one that was as amicable and stress-free as one could ever dream up in a best case scenario. I am ready to move on and I realized I am ill-equipped for the next phase of my life.

I've always had a high degree of self-doubt, wrestled with self-confidence issues, and had a low self-image. Needless to say, trying to establish some semblance of positive self-esteem was something that was always a work in progress. I just didn't know how to actually work on it. And yet here I am after the longest relationship of my life and, though most people would expect this to be a low period in my life, I find that I am the most confident I've ever been in myself in my entire adult life. I think a lot of it comes from knowing who I am, understanding what my needs are, and having a sense of what to expect out of life (while at the same time not trying to anticipate anything).

I still have a lot of growing (and learning) to do. There are things that are yet to be discovered about me, and about my life in general. Yet the difference today is that I'm ready to face the challenges that will open those doors.

Which then leads me to the dreaded "next phase": dating.

Let me explain:
I've never really "dated" per se. I've always had this illusion that if two people are going to be together they should be committed to each other blah blah blah blah... (this was also connected to my belief that one shouldn't have sex with someone unless they're in love... boy was I wrong!! It's good either way). This is not to say that I was against casual dating, it just wasn't something I couldn't bring myself to do. I didn't really understand it much.

I always felt getting to know someone was a necessary precursor to going out with them. This line of thinking manifested itself as a self-perpetuated cycle of disappointment and heartache. I would want to get to know someone and I would end up entering the dreaded "friend" zone when I wanted to know was if there was a spark... some connection between me and the girl I was getting to know. Needless to say, I would get caught up emotionally in someone that didn't see me "that way" any more (if they even did in the first place... I was also never good at determining if there was mutual interest, which is why I probably always ended up in the friendship stage when getting to know someone). The rejection (or worse yet, disappointment of a lost opportunity) was always debilitating. It would often take me weeks, sometimes months, to stop beating myself up over "being such a loser" and to get over my own self-defeating attitude.

I suspect that now I'm better equipped to handle the whole dating thing once and for all. The problem I face now is that I'm a fish out of water. Other guys my age have years of dating experience that I presently lack. All the mistakes and pitfalls that those in their teens and 20's experience are what I will be going through now. Just about everyone I've gone out with in my life have been girls/women who I knew for some time (one exception was someone I met at work). And the one thing that they all pretty much had in common was I didn't get more aggressive in pursuing them (beyond the getting to know them phase) until I knew they liked me. This was usually initiated after receiving "reliable" information given to me by friends of mine who heard from the source or from friends of the girl I was talking to.

This was my M.O. for my whole life. I realize now that it was very limiting and I may have lost several opportunities playing it safe.

Which leaves me now with the man in the mirror. This man is not the same one that lived through the forgettable music produced in the 90's. This man is not a reflection of the awkward teen with issues at home that he was in high school. This man is now one who can hold his head up high. He doesn't worry himself with what others think like he used to but rather worries about what HE thinks about who he is. He no longer relies on the charity or support of others but has learned to stand on his own two feet (even if they're both left feet... lol).

My hope is that this rediscovery of myself doesn't vanish with the first rejection. I hope that this man can now be a better friend to those who I cherish and value having in my life. I hope to be a better lover for those who decide to take a chance on the new "me". I hope to be a better person simply because I now know that loving and caring for myself first is paramount to caring and loving others. I hope this bravado carries on and I can grow from my experiences, good and bad.

This is a new chapter in my life. One that I hope leads to bigger and better things. I have no complaints about my life thus far and have very few regrets (which I have come to terms with since I cannot do anything about them any more). Everything that has happened to me have shaped the man that appears before you today. For better or worse, my time has come to go out into the world and truly live my life... alone. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Until next time faithful reader...