Now, bugs, on the other hand… they creep me the fuck out.
I cannot avoid the skin crawling sensation every time I see any type of insect, arachnid, or other bug-like vermin. Even when going to kill said pest, I have to take a moment to muster my courage and approach the creature without reacting in a way that will betray my stance of dominance (according to the hierarchy of the animal kingdom). Once the deed is done I feel a sense of relief but it’s the anxious moments during the standoff that I dread. The waning moments of the insect’s short life versus the nervous tension I have built inside of me creates a moment in time not unlike the high noon showdowns of the Wild West.
What the hell does this have to do with ghosts you ask? Well, unless you want to consider the spirit of the deceased bug… then nothing really. I just needed a catchy title. LOL.
But one night a few weeks ago, I had an encounter with a bug that didn’t end the way I would have liked and it still haunts me even to this day. (You like what I did there? “haunt”… ahem… never mind)
I was lying in bed on a very humid night. I felt something brush across my face and thought it might be a random hair left by my girlfriend on my pillow. I quickly realized it wasn’t a hair and I bolted out of bed to turn on the light. In the few seconds as I moved to the light source, I brushed my face repeatedly as if I had a swarm of bugs on my face as opposed to just one tiny little creature.
I caught sight of the bug flying around and it looked like a cross between a small spider, a fly and a mosquito. It had the long, thin wiry legs of a mosquito or one of those light, 6-legged house spiders and the body of a very small fly. I think had it just been a mosquito, or a small spider, I would have been able to cope with the situation much better. But it was this unique hybrid of a bug that left me disoriented and emotionally rattled. As it flew around my bedroom, I couldn’t help but squirm and squeal like a small child that has come face-to-face with his greatest fear. Eventually, I managed to compose myself long enough to see the bug fly out of my bedroom.
What made this encounter more striking was the realization that I have NEVER had a bug in my apartment in my short time here. I found it strange and was wondering how one made it inside. I’m always careful to close the screen doors on my windows. Maybe it was my girlfriend who has a habit of opening all my blinds (to let in natural light) and open windows (to get some fresh air in my apartment). It couldn’t have been my fault this little fucker was flying around my apartment causing me to lose sleep. It was about 3 in the morning when it landed on my face.
Needless to say, this meant war. I had to kill this bug so I could have piece of mind. I wouldn’t be able to relax and have the adrenaline rush wear off until the deed was done. With vengeance on my mind, I pursued my prey into the living room. I grabbed a Crate & Barrel catalog that I had been meaning to throw out and roll it up as my weapon of choice. I spied the creature as it rested on my off-white walls. Its light brown body contrasted strongly against the wall making it an easy target for my wrath.
I raised my hand, weapon at the ready, and smacked the wall. SWAT!!
As I drew back my hand to view the impending clean-up job on the wall, a wave of dread washed over me. There was no trace of bug innards on my wall. This realization was coupled with an angry fly-by across my line of sight by the offending bug. I was so sure I had hit the little fucker, how did it not die?? I must have made contact since the creature seemed to have some difficulty flying around. This was a great sign and I was out for blood. There was just one problem.
My apartment has hardwood floors. The dark wood made for perfect camouflage for the bug that was now struggling to survive. I didn’t know how hurt it was but I knew at the very least it was stunned. But I wanted it dead. That would be the only way I could go to sleep. I had already wasted about a half hour stalking this little creature and refused to lose any more precious time for sleeping. I decided to be patient. Eventually, it would fly high enough for me to strike the death blow and go to sleep. I sat on my futon waiting for the moment it would reappear.
And reappear it did. The only problem was I wasn’t ready for it. My eyelids were getting heavier and I decided to turn on the TV after 10 minutes of waiting. When I saw the bug again, I was distracted, had put down the C&B catalog, and pretty much had forgotten about the bug. I freaked out as it was now flying close to and landed on my leg. I bolted off the futon trying to gather myself for the next offensive attack on this creature. But just like before it disappeared out of sight.
This went on for another hour or so with some variations in where I sat (on the small couch, at the dining table, on the futon again) and how focused I was (I had a stretch of 15 minutes where I meticulously scanned the floor).
Once the adrenaline wore off and I hadn’t seen the bug for 20 minutes, I decided I wasted enough time trying to kill this thing. I’d try again in the morning but I had lost too much sleep and was more annoyed than anything. I closed the bedroom door (first time I had to do this at this apartment) and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of the bug. I also realized very quickly that it was my own fault that any creatures had come into the apartment in the first place. Earlier the previous day, there was rain in the forecast and I had closed all my windows. Because of the high temperature and humidity, the apartment got stuffy very quickly so I reopened some of the windows. I had left the small screen door open on one of the windows.
So, what’s the moral of the story here? If you’re going to something (anything!), be sure to do it right the first time. Whether it’s closing/opening a window, or trying to kill a pesky bedroom invader intent on disrupting your sleep.
Until next time, faithful reader……
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Test Taking Archetypes (or Profiling My Students)
Tonight, my summer class will be taking their midterm and it reminded me of something I was working on informally several months ago.
As most of you may know by now, I’ve been teaching for about 2 years. In that time, I’ve seen hundreds of students taking my exams. What was interesting to me was observing my students as they trudged through my tests. During one of these boring nights of proctoring, I took note of the different behaviors that I observed among my class. I realized that there are many different types of test takers. In this RaUM entry, I’ve compiled 13 distinct groups of students and will describe each of their habits, nervous tics, or patterns that separate them from other students.
While putting together this list, I tried to think back to my time as an undergrad to recall which type of test taker I was when I was younger. But it’s just too hard to see things from the inside, especially after so many years have passed since I’ve had the nervous energy that came every time I took an exam. There’s simply no way to know how I behaved before while taking any of those tests.
Here are the 13 test taker archetypes:
1) The Yawners – These students either lost sleep studying, panicking about the exam, or simply use yawning as a coping mechanism while taking the test. They can be fairly annoying to others around them, especially when the yawns are more vocal.
2) The Fidgeters – These students suffer from leg shakes and constantly shifting position. It’s as if they cannot get comfortable in their chair while taking the test. Are they sitting on a cactus chair? WTF!!
3) The Peekers – These students have a tendency to look up while thinking of an answer but they use the professor as their primary point of focus. This can get kind of creepy after a half hour of the same thing.
4) The Anti-Peekers – These students use a similar recall technique as ‘The Peekers’ except they look around at anything, and anyone, BUT the professor. They make every effort to NOT have the professor in their line of sight while looking up. These students rouse a great deal of suspicion. I consistently feel the need to keep my eyes on them as I suspect they’re trying to cheat in the most conspicuous way possible.
5) The Eyes Down – These students are the type that will have their head down and noses buried deep in the exam paper. All I see is the top of their head during the entire exam. They will not make their face visible until they finish the exam when they finally lift their head up. Sometimes I wonder if they’re even awake and as I walk by them I listen for snoring.
6) The “Sigh”-ers – These students (like ‘The Yawners’) use a form of exhalation during the exam that can get annoying to those around them if done in excess, which is usually true for those in this group. The sighing isn’t necessarily a sign of frustration or annoyance but can simply be a release of anxiety and nervous energy.
7) The Over-Reviewers – These students are the double-, triple-, quadruple-checkers who feel the constant need to review their answers to be absolutely sure that they have answered everything correctly and avoided any possible mistake. This doesn’t mean they always catch their mistakes but they feel better having reviewed their work repeatedly before handing their exam in. They are also likely to stay for the full duration of the exam (even if they’ve finished early)
8) The ‘Dory’ – Just like the character in Finding Nemo, these students are easily distracted and almost forget the task at hand. It’s a miracle that they even finish the exam!
9) The Over-Confident – Unlike the “Over Reviewers”, this group finish their exam fairly quickly and are so sure of their performance that they don’t give any question/answer a second look while taking the exam. They’re typically among the first to finish any exam.
10) The Head Slappers – The name says it all. Another nervous tic exhibited by students either to release tension or to smack around some brain cells to recall the information they need to answer a question. No bruising or injury has occurred yet in my classes. Though there has been plenty of forehead rubbing after the slaps.
11) The Time Keepers – These students are very aware of the amount of time they have to complete an exam and will pace themselves (whether intentional or not is difficult to gauge) to complete the exam at, or near, the end time. The will use every possible minute (and, at times, second) allotted to complete the exam.
12) The Tiny Bladders – These students are the ones who in the middle of the exam ask to go to the bathroom. I personally try to avoid any conflict with the “Tiny Bladders” by telling them they should go right before the exam or hold it until they’re done. Any suspicion of cheating is grounds for a zero on an exam in my classroom this includes going to the bathroom for an extended period of time (I’m not a COMPLETE ogre about the bathroom. I understand that you can’t control the urges to go)
13) The Exasperated – These students are the ones who seem completely lost during every single exam. When they look up, they have a WTF look on their face and you can sense a tinge of desperation as they try to work their way through the exam. I feel bad for them but it’s their way. Usually they’re pleasantly surprised by their success on an exam since they tend to walk out of an exam positive that they failed.
So, faithful reader, which type are you?
Until next time……
As most of you may know by now, I’ve been teaching for about 2 years. In that time, I’ve seen hundreds of students taking my exams. What was interesting to me was observing my students as they trudged through my tests. During one of these boring nights of proctoring, I took note of the different behaviors that I observed among my class. I realized that there are many different types of test takers. In this RaUM entry, I’ve compiled 13 distinct groups of students and will describe each of their habits, nervous tics, or patterns that separate them from other students.
While putting together this list, I tried to think back to my time as an undergrad to recall which type of test taker I was when I was younger. But it’s just too hard to see things from the inside, especially after so many years have passed since I’ve had the nervous energy that came every time I took an exam. There’s simply no way to know how I behaved before while taking any of those tests.
Here are the 13 test taker archetypes:
1) The Yawners – These students either lost sleep studying, panicking about the exam, or simply use yawning as a coping mechanism while taking the test. They can be fairly annoying to others around them, especially when the yawns are more vocal.
2) The Fidgeters – These students suffer from leg shakes and constantly shifting position. It’s as if they cannot get comfortable in their chair while taking the test. Are they sitting on a cactus chair? WTF!!
3) The Peekers – These students have a tendency to look up while thinking of an answer but they use the professor as their primary point of focus. This can get kind of creepy after a half hour of the same thing.
4) The Anti-Peekers – These students use a similar recall technique as ‘The Peekers’ except they look around at anything, and anyone, BUT the professor. They make every effort to NOT have the professor in their line of sight while looking up. These students rouse a great deal of suspicion. I consistently feel the need to keep my eyes on them as I suspect they’re trying to cheat in the most conspicuous way possible.
5) The Eyes Down – These students are the type that will have their head down and noses buried deep in the exam paper. All I see is the top of their head during the entire exam. They will not make their face visible until they finish the exam when they finally lift their head up. Sometimes I wonder if they’re even awake and as I walk by them I listen for snoring.
6) The “Sigh”-ers – These students (like ‘The Yawners’) use a form of exhalation during the exam that can get annoying to those around them if done in excess, which is usually true for those in this group. The sighing isn’t necessarily a sign of frustration or annoyance but can simply be a release of anxiety and nervous energy.
7) The Over-Reviewers – These students are the double-, triple-, quadruple-checkers who feel the constant need to review their answers to be absolutely sure that they have answered everything correctly and avoided any possible mistake. This doesn’t mean they always catch their mistakes but they feel better having reviewed their work repeatedly before handing their exam in. They are also likely to stay for the full duration of the exam (even if they’ve finished early)
8) The ‘Dory’ – Just like the character in Finding Nemo, these students are easily distracted and almost forget the task at hand. It’s a miracle that they even finish the exam!
9) The Over-Confident – Unlike the “Over Reviewers”, this group finish their exam fairly quickly and are so sure of their performance that they don’t give any question/answer a second look while taking the exam. They’re typically among the first to finish any exam.
10) The Head Slappers – The name says it all. Another nervous tic exhibited by students either to release tension or to smack around some brain cells to recall the information they need to answer a question. No bruising or injury has occurred yet in my classes. Though there has been plenty of forehead rubbing after the slaps.
11) The Time Keepers – These students are very aware of the amount of time they have to complete an exam and will pace themselves (whether intentional or not is difficult to gauge) to complete the exam at, or near, the end time. The will use every possible minute (and, at times, second) allotted to complete the exam.
12) The Tiny Bladders – These students are the ones who in the middle of the exam ask to go to the bathroom. I personally try to avoid any conflict with the “Tiny Bladders” by telling them they should go right before the exam or hold it until they’re done. Any suspicion of cheating is grounds for a zero on an exam in my classroom this includes going to the bathroom for an extended period of time (I’m not a COMPLETE ogre about the bathroom. I understand that you can’t control the urges to go)
13) The Exasperated – These students are the ones who seem completely lost during every single exam. When they look up, they have a WTF look on their face and you can sense a tinge of desperation as they try to work their way through the exam. I feel bad for them but it’s their way. Usually they’re pleasantly surprised by their success on an exam since they tend to walk out of an exam positive that they failed.
So, faithful reader, which type are you?
Until next time……
Thursday, March 18, 2010
High Praise (or The Day I Earned My Teaching Stripes)
[NOTE: This entry was almost complete as of Feb 5, 2010. It's been cleaned up a little bit but as to not mislead you, my fellow RaUMer, I have decided to not post-date it back to early February. I hope it was worth the wait.]
This Spring 2010 semester at QC, I'm co-teaching a stats class for the first time ever. I still have my own stats class which I teach in the evening. A week before the start of the Spring semester, I was offered the opportunity to take over 2 lab sections for a massive lecture class taught by Joanne Miller. It took a little bit of luck and a right-place/right-time convergence of circumstances to get me in the office of the chair of the Sociology department. It turns out the original instructor, who I went to grad school with, had decided to quit her teaching gig when she was offered a full time job at a market research firm. This left Prof. Miller without a lab instructor for 2 of her sections. The chair offered me the chance to take over the lab sections and get a little extra compensation for agreeing to it on such short notice.
Dr. Miller is the head stats instructor for the department and though she has been away for personal reasons (medical leave) for the better part of last two years, she's back in full force. I've actually worked for her before but not in this capacity. She teaches in a large lecture hall on Tuesdays to over 150 students. On Thursdays, the class gets split up into sections of approximately 20 students to do lab work which requires them to perform data analysis using real data collected from U.S. residents.
On my first meeting with the second lab class of the day, Prof Miller stopped by unexpectedly. She had some things she wanted to discuss with me but she took advantage of her time in the classroom to see me in action. I was nervous because although I've worked with her before I was never a peer. I took the same approach during this unofficial observation as I've done during my previous two observations, I focused on the material I was covering that day and tried to figure out how I can get my students to learn.
After class, as she approached me, I expected to get some constructive criticism on how I could have taught the class better. I was looking forward to getting her feedback since she has decades of experience and has, perhaps, "seen it all". Instead, I received, what I can only classify as, the greatest professional compliment I had ever gotten in my life. Dr. Miller told me that I taught my lesson just as she would... only better. (Her ACTUAL words!!)
She told me that she liked: (1) how I got the class to participate throughout the lab lesson; (2) how I managed to ask questions and get different students to respond; (3) how I had a poker face when students gave me their answers so as to not make students feel bad if they got the question wrong and to not provide clues to others on how to correct their mistakes (if, in fact, there were any); (4) that I provided the students with a very relaxed atmosphere and even she felt at ease immediately after sitting down for a few minutes; and (5) the game show gimmick where I wanted everyone to participate by raising their hands to answer some questions. She indicated that she may not be able to get away with some what I did during my lesson because of our age difference (she's significantly older than I am) but that she would adopt some of my techniques in the classroom for her classes in the future.
My jaw must have dropped!! I could not believe what she had just told me! I was waiting for the comments to be balanced out by some factors I could correct or improve upon. The only thing she did criticize was the lack of time I had towards the end of the lesson (At one point, she assisted me and took over for a few minutes while I was troubleshooting some computer issues with a handful of students in an effort to get everyone on the same page).
The only reason I was behind on time to begin with was because I had a late start having to hustle over from a building across campus and I had to familiarize myself with the new equipment in a computer lab room I never used before. I had no legitimate excuse. I should have taken the time to visit those lab rooms before the semester started but I was burnt out from the Winter class I had taught.
Receiving that feedback from Dr. Miller made me feel like I had 'arrived' as an educator. I have such a passion for what I do in the classroom and was floored by her praise. I hope that, as I continue teaching, I can maintain the high standards I've set for myself and can bring out the best in my 'kids' from week to week, semester to semester.
It'll be nearly impossible for anyone to get me off this cloud. I am truly feeling a rush of excitement and accomplishment after this first week of the Spring 2010 semester.
Someone pinch me because life CAN'T be this good.... or can it? =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
This Spring 2010 semester at QC, I'm co-teaching a stats class for the first time ever. I still have my own stats class which I teach in the evening. A week before the start of the Spring semester, I was offered the opportunity to take over 2 lab sections for a massive lecture class taught by Joanne Miller. It took a little bit of luck and a right-place/right-time convergence of circumstances to get me in the office of the chair of the Sociology department. It turns out the original instructor, who I went to grad school with, had decided to quit her teaching gig when she was offered a full time job at a market research firm. This left Prof. Miller without a lab instructor for 2 of her sections. The chair offered me the chance to take over the lab sections and get a little extra compensation for agreeing to it on such short notice.
Dr. Miller is the head stats instructor for the department and though she has been away for personal reasons (medical leave) for the better part of last two years, she's back in full force. I've actually worked for her before but not in this capacity. She teaches in a large lecture hall on Tuesdays to over 150 students. On Thursdays, the class gets split up into sections of approximately 20 students to do lab work which requires them to perform data analysis using real data collected from U.S. residents.
On my first meeting with the second lab class of the day, Prof Miller stopped by unexpectedly. She had some things she wanted to discuss with me but she took advantage of her time in the classroom to see me in action. I was nervous because although I've worked with her before I was never a peer. I took the same approach during this unofficial observation as I've done during my previous two observations, I focused on the material I was covering that day and tried to figure out how I can get my students to learn.
After class, as she approached me, I expected to get some constructive criticism on how I could have taught the class better. I was looking forward to getting her feedback since she has decades of experience and has, perhaps, "seen it all". Instead, I received, what I can only classify as, the greatest professional compliment I had ever gotten in my life. Dr. Miller told me that I taught my lesson just as she would... only better. (Her ACTUAL words!!)
She told me that she liked: (1) how I got the class to participate throughout the lab lesson; (2) how I managed to ask questions and get different students to respond; (3) how I had a poker face when students gave me their answers so as to not make students feel bad if they got the question wrong and to not provide clues to others on how to correct their mistakes (if, in fact, there were any); (4) that I provided the students with a very relaxed atmosphere and even she felt at ease immediately after sitting down for a few minutes; and (5) the game show gimmick where I wanted everyone to participate by raising their hands to answer some questions. She indicated that she may not be able to get away with some what I did during my lesson because of our age difference (she's significantly older than I am) but that she would adopt some of my techniques in the classroom for her classes in the future.
My jaw must have dropped!! I could not believe what she had just told me! I was waiting for the comments to be balanced out by some factors I could correct or improve upon. The only thing she did criticize was the lack of time I had towards the end of the lesson (At one point, she assisted me and took over for a few minutes while I was troubleshooting some computer issues with a handful of students in an effort to get everyone on the same page).
The only reason I was behind on time to begin with was because I had a late start having to hustle over from a building across campus and I had to familiarize myself with the new equipment in a computer lab room I never used before. I had no legitimate excuse. I should have taken the time to visit those lab rooms before the semester started but I was burnt out from the Winter class I had taught.
Receiving that feedback from Dr. Miller made me feel like I had 'arrived' as an educator. I have such a passion for what I do in the classroom and was floored by her praise. I hope that, as I continue teaching, I can maintain the high standards I've set for myself and can bring out the best in my 'kids' from week to week, semester to semester.
It'll be nearly impossible for anyone to get me off this cloud. I am truly feeling a rush of excitement and accomplishment after this first week of the Spring 2010 semester.
Someone pinch me because life CAN'T be this good.... or can it? =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Hesitation Kills (or Learning to Put One Foot in Front of the Other)
Hi there,
I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!
I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.
A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.
Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??
I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.
So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!
I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.
A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.
Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??
I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.
So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)
Welcome back!! =)
Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.
I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."
There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).
I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.
This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.
It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.
I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)
Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......
Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.
I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."
There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).
I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.
This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.
It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.
I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)
Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Work in Progress
Welcome back,
I went on a bit of a Twitter rant this morning. I'm not sure if it was appropriate or not but I felt that I needed to get those thoughts off my chest. And since I've been dedicating this blog to that very action, I feel it is only fair to re-post the tweets here:
(Around 8:15am)
'Was startled by some news in my dream & woke up. I didnt get the whole story. Now I'm wide awake wishing I could sleep & re-enter my dream.'
[In my dream, someone started telling me about their experience the night before and it seemed like it was leading to an 'interesting' story. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it could be. But I woke up with my heart racing and all I wanted was to go back to sleep and get back into that dream]
'I can't take complements well b/c I never thought I was that special. Still makes me feel a little awkward. May come off as false modesty.'
[Annoyed and frustrated at being wide awake, I got to thinking about the night before when I was told I have a 'brilliant mind'. I've always felt I was fairly normal and to know that I might be "better" than I thought I was - in any capacity - is something that is very humbling and at the same time depressing.]
'It's probably why I don't know how to complement others even when I think they deserve it. I'm working on it. #ivegotlotstolearn'
[I think this is true. If I don't know how to take a complement then I can't easily pass them on to others. Plus, I think too damned much and, at times, I am too passive.]
'There's no pressure becoming friends w/some1 but once I'm attracted to some1 I second guess myself. What do I possibly have to offer her?'
[Some of the "old me" creeping back, I suppose. I shoot myself in the foot before I even get started. It's quite frustrating.]
'But who am I to decide what someone else wants or needs? Ultimately, it's on them.'
[Even though I feel I understand this, I still don't have that selfish edge to go after what I want and/or need. Instead, I'm more empathetic to what I perceive to be other people's needs/wants. A classic case of self-sabotage actually.]
Perhaps writing about it (and acknowledging these ideas) would make it easier for me to reconcile what's going on inside my mind and heart. These are my preliminary thoughts to my tweets from this morning. I will come back to them when I'm not as distracted by things.
Until next time, faithful reader......
I went on a bit of a Twitter rant this morning. I'm not sure if it was appropriate or not but I felt that I needed to get those thoughts off my chest. And since I've been dedicating this blog to that very action, I feel it is only fair to re-post the tweets here:
(Around 8:15am)
'Was startled by some news in my dream & woke up. I didnt get the whole story. Now I'm wide awake wishing I could sleep & re-enter my dream.'
[In my dream, someone started telling me about their experience the night before and it seemed like it was leading to an 'interesting' story. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it could be. But I woke up with my heart racing and all I wanted was to go back to sleep and get back into that dream]
'I can't take complements well b/c I never thought I was that special. Still makes me feel a little awkward. May come off as false modesty.'
[Annoyed and frustrated at being wide awake, I got to thinking about the night before when I was told I have a 'brilliant mind'. I've always felt I was fairly normal and to know that I might be "better" than I thought I was - in any capacity - is something that is very humbling and at the same time depressing.]
'It's probably why I don't know how to complement others even when I think they deserve it. I'm working on it. #ivegotlotstolearn'
[I think this is true. If I don't know how to take a complement then I can't easily pass them on to others. Plus, I think too damned much and, at times, I am too passive.]
'There's no pressure becoming friends w/some1 but once I'm attracted to some1 I second guess myself. What do I possibly have to offer her?'
[Some of the "old me" creeping back, I suppose. I shoot myself in the foot before I even get started. It's quite frustrating.]
'But who am I to decide what someone else wants or needs? Ultimately, it's on them.'
[Even though I feel I understand this, I still don't have that selfish edge to go after what I want and/or need. Instead, I'm more empathetic to what I perceive to be other people's needs/wants. A classic case of self-sabotage actually.]
Perhaps writing about it (and acknowledging these ideas) would make it easier for me to reconcile what's going on inside my mind and heart. These are my preliminary thoughts to my tweets from this morning. I will come back to them when I'm not as distracted by things.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Friday, January 22, 2010
Karaoke Obsession
Welcome back,
Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!
Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.
When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.
Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P
I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.
The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!
I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.
To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.
Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':
Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)
Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots
Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis
Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words
If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.
This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!
Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.
When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.
Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P
I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.
The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!
I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.
To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.
Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':
Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)
Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots
Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis
Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words
If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.
This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)