Hi there,
I'm glad you came back to take this walk through my thoughts today. Enjoy!
I've been hesitant this year. Hesitant to take any steps forward in 2010. I'm not quite sure why this is. After such a wondrous year of progress and personal growth in 2009, 2010 has been stagnant by comparison. I have a clearer sense of what I need to do but still have the old habit of over-thinking things instead of acting on given opportunities.
A thought occurred to me earlier today and when I went searching for it, I found this comment that I wrote back in August on Twitter (and posted as a Facebook status): "Despite being a man of reason, emotions trumps reason. And there are no rules that govern emotion." I wish I had remembered this tweet sooner. But it's 'done bun'. I can't change what's already happened. All I can do is look forward and learn from my mistakes and missteps.
Over the past week or so, I've come to accept who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm more self-assured with a better sense of who I am now. I've discovered my strengths and what makes me quintessentially Alan. I'll continue to focus on the things I could improve upon to make myself a better person. It's one thing to re-affirm that you, in fact, "love yourself" but if you don't truly know who you are... well, then who is it that you're really loving??
I have realized that my entire life I've been driven by a constant need to be better than I already am, to try and measure up to other people's expectations, and to not let those around me down. I would try to anticipate what people expected of me and would attempt to exceed those expectations. Oftentimes, I was left feeling like I've let others down. The closer I feel to someone, the greater my desire to do right by them (and, often, the greater my disappointment when I didn't 'measure up'). This was something that was instilled in me by my father when I was young. But it was done in such a way that it had a tremendously negative impact on my self-worth. I have always thought I was never good enough for any situation, any opportunity, or anyone.
So today I'm taking baby steps forward: rebuilding my self-confidence; learning to truly love myself (not just the outer me but the inner me); and reaching out to others without fear of the unknown, of not measuring up to fictitious expectations, or of rejection. Several years ago, I had done a favor for a co-worker once and he thanked me profusely and told me "Alan, tú vales oro" (click here for the translation). For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I agree!
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On a completely unrelated side note... my new celeb crush is Kany Garcia! ♪♫
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Thanks for stopping by this lil' ol' blog. Be sure to come back soon! =)
Until next time, faithful reader......
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Growing Up is Hard (or Failure is Not an Option)
Welcome back!! =)
Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.
I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."
There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).
I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.
This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.
It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.
I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)
Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......
Life is a continuous cycle of new experiences and opportunities for self-discovery. This past week, I've come to a realization about myself that rocked my world a bit. My mood has been rather melancholy lately and I didn't understand why. Overall, things have been progressing very well in my life over the past year or so. I truly have little of consequence to complain about. Despite this, I found it difficult to remain positive for the past several weeks.
I had attributed it to my stressful school schedule with the Winter class from hell. I also considered that it might be due to the missteps I've made in regards to my love life recently (or lack thereof). Though these may have played some role in it all, I've come to realize that it's actually deeper than that. The following tweet - posted 1/30/10 at 2:50pm - says it best: "The majority of my 'newfound' swagger in '09 was a result of my weight loss. My mood has been affected since I've stayed at the same weight."
There were many great things that happened to me in 2009: making contact with old friends and reconnecting with them, the places - new and old - that I traveled to, new sensations that overwhelmed me and made me feel more alive than at any other period of my life! The one constant throughout the year was my commitment to being healthier and, consequently, the weight loss that accompanied that change in my lifestyle. "Long time" RaUM readers will recall the regular updates on my weight loss throughout the past year or so. In the past few months, I've maintained a stable weight around 185lbs (it's fluctuated between 183 and 188).
I'm certain I could lose another 10 lbs or so without being 'unhealthily skinny'. I don't expect to ever be model-esque. I'm not built that way and I made many bad decisions when I was younger that has doomed me to a life of chubbiness (or 'softness'... lol). I also understand that at some point I won't physically be able to lose any more weight without jeopardizing my health. What I overlooked during this transition was just how much my self-esteem and general positivity in 2009 was intimately associated to my weight loss and improved body image.
This week I've been reconsidering what makes me tick, reassessing what I value, and what I need to work on moving forward. I have a better handle on who I am now. Inevitably, the person I see in the mirror will most certainly change as I grow older (and hopefully a little wiser). The major pitfall I hope to avoid is forgetting who I am as I continue to evolve. Ultimately, I need to stay true to myself and everything else will take care of itself.
It's time to lay down the foundation, brick by brick, for my personal growth: to be more aware of things around me so I may learn all I can from my experiences; to be able to express myself without paralyzing myself with thoughts of potential consequences; and to enjoy every second of my life which could end at a moment's notice.
I'm still feeling introspective but won't let it get out of hand (a.k.a. entering the dreaded world of over-analyzing things to death). =)
Wishing you all peace, love, and prosperity--
Until next time, faithful reader......
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Work in Progress
Welcome back,
I went on a bit of a Twitter rant this morning. I'm not sure if it was appropriate or not but I felt that I needed to get those thoughts off my chest. And since I've been dedicating this blog to that very action, I feel it is only fair to re-post the tweets here:
(Around 8:15am)
'Was startled by some news in my dream & woke up. I didnt get the whole story. Now I'm wide awake wishing I could sleep & re-enter my dream.'
[In my dream, someone started telling me about their experience the night before and it seemed like it was leading to an 'interesting' story. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it could be. But I woke up with my heart racing and all I wanted was to go back to sleep and get back into that dream]
'I can't take complements well b/c I never thought I was that special. Still makes me feel a little awkward. May come off as false modesty.'
[Annoyed and frustrated at being wide awake, I got to thinking about the night before when I was told I have a 'brilliant mind'. I've always felt I was fairly normal and to know that I might be "better" than I thought I was - in any capacity - is something that is very humbling and at the same time depressing.]
'It's probably why I don't know how to complement others even when I think they deserve it. I'm working on it. #ivegotlotstolearn'
[I think this is true. If I don't know how to take a complement then I can't easily pass them on to others. Plus, I think too damned much and, at times, I am too passive.]
'There's no pressure becoming friends w/some1 but once I'm attracted to some1 I second guess myself. What do I possibly have to offer her?'
[Some of the "old me" creeping back, I suppose. I shoot myself in the foot before I even get started. It's quite frustrating.]
'But who am I to decide what someone else wants or needs? Ultimately, it's on them.'
[Even though I feel I understand this, I still don't have that selfish edge to go after what I want and/or need. Instead, I'm more empathetic to what I perceive to be other people's needs/wants. A classic case of self-sabotage actually.]
Perhaps writing about it (and acknowledging these ideas) would make it easier for me to reconcile what's going on inside my mind and heart. These are my preliminary thoughts to my tweets from this morning. I will come back to them when I'm not as distracted by things.
Until next time, faithful reader......
I went on a bit of a Twitter rant this morning. I'm not sure if it was appropriate or not but I felt that I needed to get those thoughts off my chest. And since I've been dedicating this blog to that very action, I feel it is only fair to re-post the tweets here:
(Around 8:15am)
'Was startled by some news in my dream & woke up. I didnt get the whole story. Now I'm wide awake wishing I could sleep & re-enter my dream.'
[In my dream, someone started telling me about their experience the night before and it seemed like it was leading to an 'interesting' story. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it could be. But I woke up with my heart racing and all I wanted was to go back to sleep and get back into that dream]
'I can't take complements well b/c I never thought I was that special. Still makes me feel a little awkward. May come off as false modesty.'
[Annoyed and frustrated at being wide awake, I got to thinking about the night before when I was told I have a 'brilliant mind'. I've always felt I was fairly normal and to know that I might be "better" than I thought I was - in any capacity - is something that is very humbling and at the same time depressing.]
'It's probably why I don't know how to complement others even when I think they deserve it. I'm working on it. #ivegotlotstolearn'
[I think this is true. If I don't know how to take a complement then I can't easily pass them on to others. Plus, I think too damned much and, at times, I am too passive.]
'There's no pressure becoming friends w/some1 but once I'm attracted to some1 I second guess myself. What do I possibly have to offer her?'
[Some of the "old me" creeping back, I suppose. I shoot myself in the foot before I even get started. It's quite frustrating.]
'But who am I to decide what someone else wants or needs? Ultimately, it's on them.'
[Even though I feel I understand this, I still don't have that selfish edge to go after what I want and/or need. Instead, I'm more empathetic to what I perceive to be other people's needs/wants. A classic case of self-sabotage actually.]
Perhaps writing about it (and acknowledging these ideas) would make it easier for me to reconcile what's going on inside my mind and heart. These are my preliminary thoughts to my tweets from this morning. I will come back to them when I'm not as distracted by things.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Friday, January 22, 2010
Karaoke Obsession
Welcome back,
Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!
Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.
When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.
Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P
I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.
The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!
I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.
To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.
Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':
Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)
Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots
Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis
Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words
If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.
This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.
Until next time, faithful reader......
Happy New Year if this is your first visit to RaUM in 2010!!
Music has always been a passion of mine. Regardless of the genre, good music stirs my soul and, at times, can bring long-forgotten emotions and memories to the surface. To me, that alone is a testament to the power of music.
When I was a kid I was always involved in some kind of singing class. I was in the chorus group in elementary school. When I moved on to middle school, I got to choose a specialty for my honors class: a typing class (it turned into a computer class within a year), an art class, a band class, and chorus. I was in the art class for about 3 weeks before I realized it wasn't for me and I moved into the chorus class. Not a bad move since I was one of maybe 5 boys in a class full of girls. Even in high school, I opted to be part of chorus as an elective.
Looking back on those years of chorus was that I never had to sing a solo. I was always able to hide behind the cover of the group. Despite all the public performances I did in front of my classmates in assembly or for parents/family on special performance nights, I have a tremendous amount of stagefright when it comes to singing alone. I tend to sing very quietly when I'm around other people. My mom just told me the other day that she has NEVER heard me sing. In her entire life!! She doesn't recall a time when she has heard my angelic voice! =P
I don't know where this embarrassment comes from [that's not entirely true, Alan!! You're a perfectionist at heart and don't want others to judge you!!] but it's paralyzing. I decided to do something about it and will work on in 2010.
The easy way to combat that anxiety? Singing karaoke!! No one expects the next American Idol to appear on the stage of a bar/lounge and it's all in good fun. I've learned that it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of a group (no matter if they're your friends or strangers) and sing a song - even one you know well!
I have a lot of respect for those who do take the stage. Their fearlessness is something I'm beginning to develop in myself.
To that end, I've been going to this bar in Brooklyn (Sugar Lounge) practically every Wednesday night, thanks to two friends of mine who have been going for several months now. I figured the best way to get that monkey off my back was to rip that sumbitch off. And so far, I've been having a lot of fun... and the nerves are slowly escaping me.
Here's my song selection thus far in my 5 visits to Sugar Lounge's 'Singin for a Supper':
Day One - (12/16/09 - My first karaoke experience. I was too scared to perform solo. I did 2 duets with an old friend)
- Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
- Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Day Two - (12/23/09 - with experienced karaoke folks... and their friends)
- Maria Maria by Santana (My first solo)
- Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
(Oddly enough, on this night, I came in 2nd for the infamous FREE ENTREE at Sugar Lounge. For my first ever solo performance. I've been spoiled!!! I now want to win REALLY badly... shhhh... don't tell anyone... lol)
Day Three - (1/6/10 - bringing in 2010 with:)
- Alone by Heart
- Last Request by Paolo Nutini
- [duet] Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots
Day Four - (1/13/10)
- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw
- You and Me by Lifehouse
- Every Little Step by Bobby Brown
- Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
- [trio] I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Day Five - (1/20/10)
- Home by Daughtry (was made fun of by the MC for doing ANOTHER American Idol-ish song this week after doing 'I Don't Wanna Be' the previous week)
- Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
- Lithium by Nirvana
- Wonderwall by Oasis
Some other songs I've been considering for 2010--
Daughtry - Life After You
Jason Mraz - Wordplay
John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart; Daughters
PM Dawn - Die Without You
Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Xtreme - More Than Words
If there is ONE resolution I would continue for this new year, I would say it will be more karaoke. Singing in front of strangers has been so liberating and has gotten me to open up just a little bit more lately. More that I never thought I would actually. I still experience stage-fright. Let's be honest here, I STILL get nervous standing in front of my class despite having a year of teaching experience under my belt and knowing what I'm doing.
This will be the next big step in my personal evolution. I vow to be more open with everyone around me. That is my primary goal of 2010. And karaoke will help me get there.
Until next time, faithful reader......
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