Never again (at least for the forseeable future)

I swear I cannot look at another of bottle of Tangueray the same way again. No really, it's true. (I even considered removing the picture I placed in this post.)

My drink of choice lately has been Tangueray and tonic practically each and every time I've gone out. But after this weekend, the sight of that green bottle makes my stomach churn. Whatever is left in that bottle is still sitting in the black bag given to me at the liquor store. A whirlpool swirls in my belly at the memory of that clear elixir pouring into a glass, sans ice, that was much too large for the drink.

Saturday started out like any other day. OK ... not exactly. I got up early to help a friend move, as promised. I didn't sleep in as I normally do and I barely had enough time to have breakfast. I managed to make myself a cup of coffee and grabbed half a bagel on the way out the door. It was a cold morning but the move itself only took about 90 minutes. I stuck around her new studio apartment in the afternoon to help put together some Ikea furniture and tidy up a little bit.

For a few days, I was needing an escape and even considered driving a pretty long distance to get away from it all. I didn't do that but went for the next best option... drinking myself silly. Long story short... between a game of Trivial Pursuit - 90's Edition (don't ask, lol), a 1L bottle of Tangueray, Key Food brand tonic water (it was all I could find on such short notice), and an empty stomach, it all made for a very messy Saturday night and a hangover on Sunday morning.

For those of you who are curious, I am OK now but didn't do anything really productive this weekend. I also missed out on a little gathering at an old friend's house on Sunday which I truly regret. (I hear the food was awesome!) I'll be sure to make it up to her the next time she hosts another event.

With the snow day today, I was able to delay my lesson for the day class but I still need to finalize my lesson for the evening class tomorrow night. I also need to make tweaks to the syllabus for the day class. Shoot... I need to find time to grade the first lab assignment they've completed, as well. *sigh*

Ahhh... such is the life of a new adjunct. All this, while trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. It hasn't been easy but I'm managing somehow...

I've got some things to get back to here.

Until next time, faithful reader.

Recipes I Want to Try Out (and the next MCB)

Welcome once again to the latest in the world of RaUM,

Every time I go to my aunt's house in Newark, the family is treated to a wonderful meal where everyone eats well, there are drinks a-plenty, and enough desserts to make your belly burst. Some of the desserts are staples available at every gathering while others are experiments that may or may not make the rotation for the next get-together. One of the new additions to the dessert list is a modified cheesecake. It's basically a thin cheesecake cut into small squares like a brownie. Being a bit of a cheesecake junkie, I had to ask my aunt for the recipe. Turns out it's a Paula Deen recipe that my aunt adopted after watching the Food Network one day: Savannah Cheesecake Cookies.


(Here's the pic from FoodNetwork.com)

It is delicious! The decadence of a cheesecake without the heaviness that can come sometimes accompany a large wedge of cheesecake. I personally love how the crust stands out so much more. For me, it's the thing that brings the whole cheesecake together. A bad crust can ruin a piece of cheesecake for me (let's be honest for a sec... a lot can go wrong with a cheesecake.. it's not limited to the crust). The pecans are a nice touch and add a nice texture to the overall "cookie".

It's super easy to make. It bakes quickly. And can be easily decorated to look very pretty on the table though this dessert still looks inviting even without any garnish!

I will definitely give this one a shot the next time I have company over.

Another recipe I've been dying to try my hand at (and have been very lazy to start up) is ajiaco. Now granted, with the weather warming up this isn't necessarily the optimal meal so if it's gonna go down, it has to be soon. For those of you who are not familiar with ajiaco, click here.

(This is one 'interpretation' of ajiaco)

One of the few vivid memories I have of being in Colombia - both as young child and later in my pre-teen years - was the seeing the dining room table (and occasionally a side table) full of food. A delicious spread of food for the entire family. All those years spent in the kitchen, perfecting recipes with generations of Gonzalez children, allowed my grandmother to present us with the magic that is her cuisine during my stays there. I regret not being more curious about the prep work and doing more hands-on cooking while I was there. The only recipe I really "learned" was how to put together empanadas just before you throw them into a pot full of hot oil. Which, for the record, is a great lesson in and of itself... lol.

Years ago, I scoured the internet trying to find a recipe that reminds me of my grandmother's style of ajiaco. My mother had also attempted to make one using my father's faulty memory for the ingredient list. It was ok... but it needed something... more. It's hard to say what was missing. I think I'll just go back to some Colombian recipe sites and just pick one recipe and use that as my baseline ajiaco. If any of you have suggestions for where I may find a good recipe (or have a family member willing to give up their own personal recipe), please pass the info my way.

The last recipe in my "Top Three" that I want to try soon is another Food Network inspired meal. This one is by Ellie Krieger (star of Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger): Succotash with Grilled Scallops and Parsley Drizzle.



Need I say more? How awesome does that look?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend's MCB (2-27) features two songs you may be familiar with already - Jason Mraz's I'm Yours and Mercy by Duffy. Boxer Rebellion makes another appearance on this list with Flashing Red Light Means Go.

Enjoy, ladies and gents!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Between grading lab assignments for my two classes and going out just about every day this weekend, I don't expect to post until maybe midweek at the earliest. Those of you who suffer from withdrawal symptoms when I do not post... you've been given fair notice. Then again you can always re-read previous posts. ;)

Have a great weekend!!! See you for the next entry...

Until next time, faithful reader

Introspective and Contemplative Musings...

I'm going to dig deep into 'me' today... You can always leave now before things get messy... This will not be a light-hearted entry or one filled with interesting anecdotes of my quotidian life...

Still here?

OK then. Suit yourself. You've been warned...

First off, I'm doing this because it's the only method I haven't tried yet to get over this mental funk that I feel I'm in. All the bravado and energy I started the year with is starting to fade just a little and I'm looking to recapture that spark.

You should also know that I hate opening up and exposing myself too much. I've always felt it wasn't in my nature to do so. However, I now feel it's not nature but nurture (or maybe the lack of it) that's at the heart of things.

Bear with me as I open up a little bit. As this is serving as a thought dump, I may end up all over the place and you're not obligated to connect the dots.

- Over the years, I've been told I have emotional barriers. (It happened as recently as a few days ago) Though this may be true, I've never given it much serious thought before today. You can consider this entry a rudimentary self-exploration to what's going on in my noggin. (More stalling? Damn...)

- I'm accustomed to repressing, hiding, or masking my true feelings on many occasions. So much so that I end up on one of two extremes: (1) not being able to open up when I really want to, or (2) I keep things inside to the point that I uncontrollably let out some emotion (usually anger but it's not limited to that).

- I have a constant need to feel like I have to do anything and everything to the best of my ability. If I put in a half-assed effort to something, I usually feel like I let myself down. This need, however, is coupled with a need to impress others. If I feel I'll fail at meeting either of the two needs, I usually abandon that activity altogether whenever possible. It's better for me to not do anything than to fuck it up. This can't be healthy... and being aware of it now, I hope to change it. I hope it this old dog can still learn some new tricks.

- I was talking to my sister about something the other day. Essentially, people don't understand the degree to which we were made to feel like sh*t growing up. This was because of our dad and his constant put-downs. We were never good enough in his eyes. (Except when we did something he could brag about to co-workers about, then we were HIS kids. Every other time we were our MOM'S kids.) He was very vocal in reminding us on a consistent basis that we wouldn't amount to much and that we weren't very good at anything.

One residual side-effect of this is that I find it hard to accept compliments or praise. I justify this by easily dismissing it because I feel I can always do better and/or be better. It's almost as if who I am or anything I do is not praise-worthy. I tend to devalue myself because that's what I grew up with. The positive application of this attitude has been to drive myself to strive for excellence - and, when possible, perfection - in anything I do. Though when I feel that I can't do things well I abandon it altogether (see above). However, I also find that I usually stop myself from even trying if I deem I cannot do things well.

- I feel there are many people who are okay with mediocrity and accept their own limitations. This bothers me greatly and, personally, I cannot. Maybe it's a matter of perspective and they feel they are the best they can be. Maybe they don't realize they can be more than they are. On the contrary, I constantly feel like I should be challenging myself to be better in all aspects of my life, to be a better son, a better brother, a better worker, a better friend, a better lover.

Some things are easier to envision and extremely difficult to put into practice for me. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and not give a damn about the consequences but all I seem to think about are the what if's.

I was reminded of a quote I once heard and I read it again recently: older people do not regret what they have done but rather what they have not. I really need to take charge of things and not put myself in a position where I will regret anything later in life.

- I have never learned to properly deal with failure because I was made to feel like it wasn't a natural part of life. It was either success or nothing. Failure never seemed like an option for me. This is why I think I don't take a chance on anything... I need to know what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so I don't mess things up... It's not matter of preparedness but just me not wanting to fail.

- I'm afraid to open up to people because I've been made to feel like it is a sign of weakness. I hate being this way and, at times, try very hard to not get sucked into that emotional black hole where I disconnect from others. It's difficult for me to gauge how much is too much when I finally manage to share my feelings with others. Which is why I fear opening up in the first place. My apologies to those who have been frustrated by my tight-lipped nature...

- "Sand is so overrated. It's just tiny little rocks."

I recently saw a movie that I hadn't seen in years (one of my faves, actually) and it got me to thinking about things. I empathize with Joel. He's a shy man who has a self-perceived dull and uninteresting life, yet he has a lot of pent-up creativity and a sense of craziness about him. For much of my life, I've routinized my life to going to work and going home (rinse and repeat). Even Joel's experience with "fall[ing] in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention” is something I can relate to.

Watching this movie made me think about my life again. As beautiful and exciting as it would be, I can't expect to just sit around waiting to run into my own Clementine in Montauk (though, is a road trip in order?). I'm content where I am now... but is it enough? . . . . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I keep writing at this point, I'll veer off on a tangent that I don't want to go on now... so I'll leave you with a quote from the movie cited above.

Until next time, faithful reader...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

My first month as a college professor (or How to slowly lose your mind)

Hi there,

I've managed to get some of my thoughts together regarding my time as a full fledged, bona fide (albeit part-time, lowest tier of the totem pole) professor. There have been some ups and downs but so far I'm loving the job. Of course, I say this now before I've had a chance to grade the first exam. I don't want my memories of my first few weeks ruined by my disappointment at those grades. =)

Just before the semester started, I decided to take on two classes. I thought it'd be great for me financially and would allow me to reach more students. Thus far it has been a wonderful experience but my schedule is brutal during the middle of the week. I was originally scheduled to teach one evening class on Tuesdays and Thursdays (6:30 - 9:20pm). When I was offered a second class, I had the choice of two morning classes: (1) another Tues/Thurs class (9:25am - noon) or (2) Monday/Wednesday - same time.

I reasoned that being in school from 9am to 9pm was not my idea of a good time despite the long break for the afternoon. If I worked the Mon/Wed class, I'd still be able to work the afternoons at my other job in Brooklyn. What I didn't consider was the Tuesday night/Wed morning turnover. I feel like I'm working a double (I suppose I actually AM working a double!) and it's extremely difficult for me to get up on Wednesdays for class. It has more to do with the late night on Tuesday night than it does with me not being a morning person. FYI, me and early morning sunshine do not get along!

I'm not sure how the Fall 2009 schedule will shake out but I know I would love to continue teaching two classes. I've already submitted my request for days and times so we'll see what happens.

Well... without any further ado...

Notes from my first month as Professor Gonzalez:

Week 1:
I DEFINITELY should have planned this past weekend a little bit better. After going out Friday night (bull riding, drinks, and diner food.. woohoo!), I drove down to PA on Saturday and visited Philly and Baltimore on Sunday. I came back late Sunday night. Now some of you may start telling me that 2 AM isn't that late and that I should quit my bellyaching. Also, I didn't have to drive the last leg of my trip so it wasn't all THAT bad. However, without a finalized syllabus in hand (I had already completed a draft of it) and a class scheduled for 9:25 Monday morning, it was going to be a looooong night and an even longer day!

On Monday morning, I made it to class several minutes late (at least I made it!) and I managed to trudge through the finer points of my syllabus in zombie mode - completed at 3:30am for those of you keeping track - including a mini-lecture on lateness. I may be a hypocrite but I meant every word I said about how much I despise students coming in late!

Damn, I was sleepy... zzzzzzz.... I don't think I managed to scare any of them into dropping my class. Shoot...

The night class went a lot better. I still didn't manage to scare anyone away with my opening day lecture. *sigh* Oh well. At least they were more attentive and took great notes on my Day One introductory lesson. I expect big things from this group. I don't care if it's unfair to say that since they seem more engaged that the day class.

I quickly realized that the day class was going to be my "guinea pig". I'd learn from my mistakes with them and the evening class would reap the benefits. I didn't tell them that but I knew that would be the case. This is especially true since I would always have a day and a half to tweak the lesson for the evening class.

Week 2:
WTF!?! My night class has gotten worse and my day class got better!!

OMG... Noooooo. How is this possible? lol..

The good thing is that they were now on par with each other in terms of attentiveness, question asking, etc. Let's see how long this lasts.

It was around this time that I started seriously thinking about getting the first exam completed. I didn't think I'd finish it but if I could start figuring out what will and won't be on the exam, it'd go a long way to saving me time later.

Week 3:
Oh man... I got pretty sick on Monday morning. I had to cancel class.
[Memo to self: No more late night runs to Tacolandia for tacos when you have class the next morning!]

I suppose this was a good thing because now the night class is the experimental class. I wonder if it will actually matter... though the exam date is now pushed back another day. I wanted both classes to take the exam on the same week so neither class would have an advantage over the other (a.k.a. a full weekend to study for the exam). Selfishly, this would also allow me to grade ALL the exams over the weekend. Oh well, done bun. Nothing I can do about it now.

Also, I found out that one of my students is friends with someone I know. I don't want to know who it is or which class he or she is in... OH, TOO LATE!! My friend spilled the beans and now I know who it is. Fortunately, she is one of my better students so I'm not worried about her trying to take advantage of our mutual friendship.

Week 4:
Reviewed for the first exam this week with my classes. One class takes the exam this week, the other next week. I had decided to use the first half of class for the review and go over issues with the first lab assignment during the second half of class. The Tuesday night review went relatively well and I felt they were adequately prepared for the exam on Thursday night. The review for the day class on Wednesday was going well also... except that... we had a freaking fire drill during our review... grrr.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't upset that the review was interrupted. I was actually upset for my kids because I knew that if I had just 10 more minutes, I would have been done with my review and the majority of the students could have left during the fire drill. However, after approximately 20 minutes, they all had to come back for the last part of the review session.

It was at this time that I thought it was a good thing I had gotten sick on week 3 because otherwise the fire drill would have interrupted the exam. I can't even imagine how I would have handled that headache! The evening class got the exam first and I'll grade them over the weekend. The day class gets it Monday morning with the luxury of time to study over the weekend. We'll see how that works out for them...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week's MCB (2-20):
T.I. - Dead and Gone (featuring Justin Timberlake)
Rosi Golan - Been a Long Day
Boxer Rebellion - Semi-Automatic
Temple Scene - Somewhere in the City
Drenalin - Healing Time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've got a lot on my plate for the weekend. I wonder if there will be anything noteworthy to talk about later... hmmmmmm....

Until next time, faithful reader

Dreaming and recall

When I was young, I would occasionally remember my dreams rather vividly. There are some that I can relive clearly in my mind's eye even to this day.

As an adult, I haven't been able to recall many of my dreams when I wake each morning. However, over the past few weeks, I've been remembering snippets of dreams. Visual splinters that I hope to piece together to make sense of them and reawaken my consciousness. I've realized that as I've gotten older I've become hyper-rational, overly analytical, and much more "grounded". I've become a prisoner to the physical plane of existence.

It's always been hard for me to tap into my arcane spiritual side. But the few times I've breached that wall, I would lament not being to tap into it as easily as others around me have. I suspect my own personal psychological barriers were created during my childhood (all part of my memory suppression).

I don't really know why I haven't tried to return to that state of curiosity, of exploration, and of open-mindedness that I had when I was a teen and young adult... but I can always try again. Now that I'm remembering my dreams, even if they come to me in fragments, I'm craving more. I try and go to bed with the thought of being able to recall my dreams in the morning. Though, I can't say with any certainty that this is the reason why I'm recalling more dreams and dream fragments, I am happy that it is happening now.

======================================
Last night's 'clip':
I was driving in my car down a straight road in the day time. I think there was a passenger next to me but I'm not sure. While driving I saw roadkill - I'm certain it was a raccoon - in middle of my lane. I swerved slightly to the right avoid it.

That was all I remembered but apparently, after looking up the elements of the dream, there is a lot that I can take out of this. Below is the breakdown from each component of the dream.

Roadkill
To see roadkill in your dream, represents unavoidable death. The death may be a symbolic death representing an end to a habit, behavior or idea. It is time to let go of old habits and put those ideas to rest, as you are only prolonging the inevitable. Alternatively, it suggests that there is some issue in your past that is hindering your pursuit of your goals.

Animals
To see animals in your dream, represents your own physical characteristic, primitive desires, and sexual nature, depending on the qualities of the particular animal. Animals symbolizes the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Refer to the specific animal in your dream.

To dream that you are saving the life of an animal, suggests that you are successfully acknowledging certain emotions and characteristics represented by the animal.

Raccoon
To see a raccoon in your dream, signifies deceit, thievery, and of false friends secretly conspiring against you.

Driving
To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. Alternatively, driving a car in your dream, is analogous to your sex life and sexual performance. Consider how you are driving and what kind of car you are driving and how it relates to your waking sex life.

Car/Automobile
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy.

Day
To dream of a sunny day, symbolizes clarity and/or pleasantness. You are seeing things clearly.

Street/Road
To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life.

To see a road in your dream indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned.

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views.
======================================

Food for thought...

~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely tangential side note... I'm about a week away from consistently being below 200 pounds!! WOOHOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~

Until next time, faithful reader...