Welcome back,
Sorry to return on such a somber tone but... here goes.
It's at moments like these that I find myself at my most weakest. Not physically but emotionally. When I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I lose control of my emotions and my vulnerabilities seep through the surface...
I cried today... I cried at not having a father. It's not as if he's dead or if I didn't know him while growing up. It's quite the contrary. He's very much alive and he has had an impact on my life. The problem is that the impact was mostly negative. When I became an adult (the magical age of 18 when the law determines you're no longer a minor), I decided to live my life in a way that was opposite to the example he set for me. I credited him with teaching me how to be a man by showing me what NOT to do. But I realize now, many years later, I still have a lot of work to do.
I sit here weeping as I realize that I may have ended up more emotionally stable had he actually died when I was young. Or if only he had decided to leave my mom instead of staying and slowly inflicting the damage he did to me, my mom, and my sister, like a deadly cancer. Instead, I sit here, with tears streaming down my face as I type this, envying those around me who have a father they respect, and love, and can turn to in times of need. I hate them... well, that's not entirely true nor is it fair. I hate that they have the luxury of having a good man, or even just a decent one, at their disposal.
I need someone to turn to. I need to feel safe. I need a rock to lean on. I need the wisdom that only comes with age. I need a father. Just not the one I have.
I don't typically cry. But lately I've found it comes really easily to me. I want to do so much more for those I love but feel handcuffed by my financial circumstances. Although money isn't everything (this isn't a cliché thrown in for effect... it truly isn't) I can't help but look at the situation we're in and recognize that we'd all have a little more piece of mind if we just had a little financial comfort. Instead, we claw and scratch and scrape together what we can to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I just want to live.
I want to enjoy life without wondering if my bills will get paid. Wondering if I'll have an apartment to live in next month. Wondering if I can get through the week. Wondering if I'll have food in the kitchen to cook a meal tonight. Wondering if I'll regain my sanity soon. Wondering what will drive me further down this hole next.
I want my dad. I need my dad. Shit... at this point, I'll take any dad. But only one will do. And that man doesn't exist. He never did.
Thanks for sticking with me, faithful reader.
Until next time......
5 comments:
You know you just wrote everything Ive been feeling and thinking for months now except not a dad but a mom!! I know its hard not having him around but sometimes what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and when your time comes around to be a dad you'll be able to use this experience to positively influence their lives. Thats a blessing for them whoever they are!! Its hard to believe but sometimes blessings come dressed up in a curse and only later do you realize that it was halloween the whole time!!
Thanks dude. Glad this resonated with someone. I'm sorry you're going through it, too.
One other thing... this is going to sound fucked up but... I think it'll be unfair that my kids could have what I didn't. And how could I even know if I'm doing right by them if I don't even know how it feels myself.
I think that the simple fact that you'll be there for them to lean on and cry to and that you'll be there to take care of them will be enough. It will come natural that you'll want them to have more than you did. I dont think its bad to say that they could have something you didnt. But know that they'll be happier knowing you'll be around for them and that should give you a sense of closure and fulfillment!!
of all the posts...this touched me the most...i support you al. i sent you a FB mail with my reflections about it. just stay strong...i know it may sound easier said than done, but think of it this way: you made it this far...dont give up, resilience over adversity
Hey,
I have a lot more to say than what i'm about to write but i'm at work so i'm limited.
I worry sometimes too, about whether I can be a good, loving, unabusive parent who can raise morally decent, smart and stable children. But dad was half the equation. And being a good dad is the same as being a good mom. Its the same as being a good friend. And you are a good friend to everyone you claim as a friend. And thank God we had a good mom too. You can always use her as a good example of how to be a parent. And you know, even with stable people, it seems like each person decides how they want to raise their children. Its hard to wonder and not worry about it but it's one of those things that you just can't possibly know how it's going to turn out until you're in it, until it happens.
As for the other emotional things, a lot of the break-thrus I've made in therapy have mostly been just uncovering what was always there - anger, resentment, fear, fault, blame, lack of confidence, defeat - and all the behaviors that come along with carrying these feelings all your life. We subconsciously look for ways to re-create situations that will allow these feelings to surface so that we can work through it. And every once in a while, when you catch a glimpse of what's going on with yourself, it can really hit a nerve.
I agree with Onnik and for most of my life I have adopted the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality. And what he did sucks. It sucks that we had to go through it. But there is a reason we were meant to. Whatever we have each learned from the experience, that is our tool to make our lives better and the lives of those around us better. We can't change the past and we can't control other people's behavior - but we can change the present and we can change our own behavior.
Part of working through something is allowing yourself to feel. Feel it, and let it go. That is the natural current of life. Don't hold on to the negative because it will only eat you alive. The circumstances we live in now are what they are. All the can do is make the most of it. Most everyone encounters financial struggle at different points in their lives, the important thing is to not fall deeper into debt by pretending your lack of money doesn't exist and keep spending and partying! Thats exactly what dad did, just another component to how awful it was. And that happened to me for a few months - luckily I caught myself and was able to make proper changes. The best thing to do is be as realistic as possible about your current situation and plan, plan, plan. That's it. Map it out, make a plan and stick to it til you can get where you want to be. You have to struggle in life. That is just the way it is. For everybody. Just that each person has different struggles.
Most importantly, when things look dim, don't fall into the darkness. There is always a light if you look for one. Sometimes it requires thinking outside the box and going outside our comfort zone.
:)
I have faith in you. And in us. Have faith in fate - we are always exactly where we need to be, the trick is to learn your lessons from every situation - good and bad.
k gotta go. love ya :)
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