I Ain’t ‘Fraid of No Ghost (or One Semi-Sleepless Night)

Now, bugs, on the other hand… they creep me the fuck out.

I cannot avoid the skin crawling sensation every time I see any type of insect, arachnid, or other bug-like vermin. Even when going to kill said pest, I have to take a moment to muster my courage and approach the creature without reacting in a way that will betray my stance of dominance (according to the hierarchy of the animal kingdom). Once the deed is done I feel a sense of relief but it’s the anxious moments during the standoff that I dread. The waning moments of the insect’s short life versus the nervous tension I have built inside of me creates a moment in time not unlike the high noon showdowns of the Wild West.

What the hell does this have to do with ghosts you ask? Well, unless you want to consider the spirit of the deceased bug… then nothing really. I just needed a catchy title. LOL.

But one night a few weeks ago, I had an encounter with a bug that didn’t end the way I would have liked and it still haunts me even to this day. (You like what I did there? “haunt”… ahem… never mind)

I was lying in bed on a very humid night. I felt something brush across my face and thought it might be a random hair left by my girlfriend on my pillow. I quickly realized it wasn’t a hair and I bolted out of bed to turn on the light. In the few seconds as I moved to the light source, I brushed my face repeatedly as if I had a swarm of bugs on my face as opposed to just one tiny little creature.

I caught sight of the bug flying around and it looked like a cross between a small spider, a fly and a mosquito. It had the long, thin wiry legs of a mosquito or one of those light, 6-legged house spiders and the body of a very small fly. I think had it just been a mosquito, or a small spider, I would have been able to cope with the situation much better. But it was this unique hybrid of a bug that left me disoriented and emotionally rattled. As it flew around my bedroom, I couldn’t help but squirm and squeal like a small child that has come face-to-face with his greatest fear. Eventually, I managed to compose myself long enough to see the bug fly out of my bedroom.

What made this encounter more striking was the realization that I have NEVER had a bug in my apartment in my short time here. I found it strange and was wondering how one made it inside. I’m always careful to close the screen doors on my windows. Maybe it was my girlfriend who has a habit of opening all my blinds (to let in natural light) and open windows (to get some fresh air in my apartment). It couldn’t have been my fault this little fucker was flying around my apartment causing me to lose sleep. It was about 3 in the morning when it landed on my face.

Needless to say, this meant war. I had to kill this bug so I could have piece of mind. I wouldn’t be able to relax and have the adrenaline rush wear off until the deed was done. With vengeance on my mind, I pursued my prey into the living room. I grabbed a Crate & Barrel catalog that I had been meaning to throw out and roll it up as my weapon of choice. I spied the creature as it rested on my off-white walls. Its light brown body contrasted strongly against the wall making it an easy target for my wrath.

I raised my hand, weapon at the ready, and smacked the wall. SWAT!!

As I drew back my hand to view the impending clean-up job on the wall, a wave of dread washed over me. There was no trace of bug innards on my wall. This realization was coupled with an angry fly-by across my line of sight by the offending bug. I was so sure I had hit the little fucker, how did it not die?? I must have made contact since the creature seemed to have some difficulty flying around. This was a great sign and I was out for blood. There was just one problem.

My apartment has hardwood floors. The dark wood made for perfect camouflage for the bug that was now struggling to survive. I didn’t know how hurt it was but I knew at the very least it was stunned. But I wanted it dead. That would be the only way I could go to sleep. I had already wasted about a half hour stalking this little creature and refused to lose any more precious time for sleeping. I decided to be patient. Eventually, it would fly high enough for me to strike the death blow and go to sleep. I sat on my futon waiting for the moment it would reappear.

And reappear it did. The only problem was I wasn’t ready for it. My eyelids were getting heavier and I decided to turn on the TV after 10 minutes of waiting. When I saw the bug again, I was distracted, had put down the C&B catalog, and pretty much had forgotten about the bug. I freaked out as it was now flying close to and landed on my leg. I bolted off the futon trying to gather myself for the next offensive attack on this creature. But just like before it disappeared out of sight.

This went on for another hour or so with some variations in where I sat (on the small couch, at the dining table, on the futon again) and how focused I was (I had a stretch of 15 minutes where I meticulously scanned the floor).

Once the adrenaline wore off and I hadn’t seen the bug for 20 minutes, I decided I wasted enough time trying to kill this thing. I’d try again in the morning but I had lost too much sleep and was more annoyed than anything. I closed the bedroom door (first time I had to do this at this apartment) and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of the bug. I also realized very quickly that it was my own fault that any creatures had come into the apartment in the first place. Earlier the previous day, there was rain in the forecast and I had closed all my windows. Because of the high temperature and humidity, the apartment got stuffy very quickly so I reopened some of the windows. I had left the small screen door open on one of the windows.

So, what’s the moral of the story here? If you’re going to something (anything!), be sure to do it right the first time. Whether it’s closing/opening a window, or trying to kill a pesky bedroom invader intent on disrupting your sleep.

Until next time, faithful reader……